my conundrum

I have a conundrum.  I want to have another child.  I want Lilly to have a sibling, one who is close-ish in age to her.  I would have liked that a year or two ago but it was not the right time.  Now is not the right time either.  Nor will it be for the foreseeable future.  There are very real and valid reasons why we should not have another baby right now.  I know some people say there are no good times, but this is really the opposite of a good time.

Somehow, someway, knowing this does not stop the yearning.  Why does this not stop?  Why can't my heart take a hint from my brain and stop wanting things it cannot have right now?  I think part of it is wanting that sibling for Lilly; knowing how important it was for me and other people I know to have the sibling relationship.  I think part of it is straight up biology.  I am 36.  That clock ticks loudly, and it is not always a pleasant, soothing tick tock.  More like a gong announcing,  TICK TOCK biatch...GET GOING HERE!    And really, I think a big part of it is that we cannot separate our hearts and minds in that way.  They are intricately entwined and that is what makes us human.

Sometimes I just wish I could flip a switch, even just for a little bit, to give my heart a rest.  That or stop that damn biological clock from ticking so damn loudly in my ear!

Baby on the Brain?

A friend of mine is going through a miscarriage and she has an amazing outlook on the entire situation.  She has basically said what will be, will be and if another baby is in their future, then it will happen.  Besides sorrow for her and her family, her outlook caused me to question some of my own recent thoughts.

Here is my not-so-secret secret...I really, really want to have another baby, like, now.  If I had been hired on permanently at my last position, getting pregnant now would probably be in the cards.  I would have also considered trying for #2 if I did not get a full time job.  I would get as much consulting work as I could and go from there.  But the fact remains that I did (HOORAY!) get a full time, permanent position for which I am grateful and inordinately pleased.  And that also means that we need to wait before having another baby.

I have always wanted to have a big family....maybe 4 or 5 kids.  As I got older and I was not married I trimmed that number down.  After Lilly was born I finished graduate school as you all know and money was very tight at that time.  In fact, it is just now that we are starting to have some breathing room.  I would like to have a lot more breathing room before we have another baby.  I really do not want to start a job (that is only 10 months to begin with) and need to leave early for maternity leave.  That means we would have to plan it so that I would be due in the summer time when I am off.   I know all about best laid plans, but I suppose a good plan is better than none.  The good thing about waiting, besides having more money and getting my career on track, is that it gives me time to lose some weight.

The other thing is that Lilly is already 2 y.o.   I always thought that I would want my children to be 2-2.5 years apart.  My brother and I are 4 years apart so I know it is not a terrible thing, but I do feel that my brothers, who are all closer in age to each other were closer growing up.  Plus, I am 35.  I know that women have babies even into their 40s, but I don't know, I just don't want to do that.

 Am I just being a complainer?  Well, even if I am, it is my blog...ha ha!  Honestly, I am just processing everything and I think that is normal.  I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that there is a reason for everything.  After all, Lilly was not planned and she is the best detour my life has ever taken!

Welcome Connor James!

My brother Matthew and his wife Kelly just welcomed Connor James into this world on July 10, 2009. 9 lb 15 oz 22 inches long with a big head of black hair. I was hoping to post a picture with this but I lost my camera a few weeks ago. We drove up to Saratoga Springs for the day to see him. Holding a newborn is just one of the most glorious feelings in the world.

As a side note, Lilly did so well in the car...4 hours in the morning and 3 1/2 in the afternoon. Amazing!!

*edited to add pictures.

Here we are again...

So I decided to start blogging again.  Not that I have anything deep and important to share but sometimes I think to myself, Oh, I should write that down, and I don't.  Lots of things have happened since I last blogged.  side note: My cat is snoring.  It is really, really annoying.  So, we had all the holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, etc.  Vinnie and I celebrated our 1st anniversary...yeah us!  

Lilly has hit so many milestones.  She crawled, cruised and is now walking.  She looks so cute toddling around.  It makes me really sad though, to realize how fast she has grown.  This year has just really flown by.

I finished the Fall semester with 2 As.  I have the same professors this semester, so I kind of feel like I know what to expect.  Unfortunately the one is pretty tough in that her assignments are vague.  I have one paper due for the whole semester and it is due this coming Tuesday.  It is a good thing I have at least one page done already.  :)  

I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant women lately.  I know several women who are due sometime between now and next fall.  It is so exciting!  

Two of my closest friends had their babies in the last week.  Caroline had Bridget Elisabeth and Colleen had Fiona Marie.  I am alrady in love with them and so happy that Lilly will have some girlfriends.  I have known both Caroline and Colleen since we were about 5 years old, so it seems so fitting that we all have girls now.

Okay, hopefully I will keep up with this and make it more than just a once every 6 months thing.

xoxo