Getting through a divorce...

So it's been a little while, no? The last time I wrote was January 2015, slightly less than 18 months ago. Holy cow has my life changed since then. I am forewarning you that there is cursing in this blog post. I am writing about some of my experiences that, in my honest opinion, needed some serious *fucks* to get through.

I am writing again because I have some friends who are in the same place I was 2 years ago. Newly separated, trying to wade through the murky waters of divorce, single parenthood, dating again or not, and living with their parents. Some of my friends have children, some do not. Some are living with their parents again, some are not. The common thread connecting all of us in this position is that we feel broken. It is so damn scary.

I don't have all the answers. I have stumbled through this craziness by the grace of God, the love and support of my family and friends, and lots of therapy. Mostly everything I am about to say was told to me by others. I still need it told to me at times. Maybe that is the real reason I am writing this down...so that I can take my own advice sometimes. Whatever the reason, I just had a strong feeling that I should write this in my blog today. I have started and stopped several posts over the past 18 months. This is the only one that has made it this far. Take what you need, leave the rest. All my love...Melanie Rose

What do you do when you feel like you are completely broken?

1. Reach out to someone...call, text, tap on the shoulder. I had (have) drive to work phone call friends, walk into their office at work and tap on their shoulder friends, text in the middle of the night friends, and those who I would call and not say a word because I was crying so hard. You know what I mean. I know you do. And you need all of those kinds of people in your life right now.
2. Cry. Shout. Scream into a pillow. Bite the shit out of that pillow if you need to. Before I actually left, I would cry in the shower or on the bathroom floor because that was the only place I could hide. Holding it in is not good for anyone. I tried to hold my shit together for my daughter, who was 6 years old at the time. But you know what, our lives were changing and parts were really, really shitty. Is pretending that everything is honky dory good for a child? I truly believe that it is a disservice. Emotions are normal. We need to let them know that moms (and dads) are feeling the same things they are. Be aware that you don't put the responsibility of making it better for you on them. I know my daughter takes on that role anyway. She hates to see me sad. But I tell her that it's a normal part of our human experience. None of us escape it. So when I needed to really let it out I made sure I was able to do it where and when she wouldn't be around. I would scream in my car. I would cry in the shower. And in my car. And when I was sleeping in her twin bed with her and could not move for fear of waking her, I would cry into, or bite, my pillow.
3. Hug the heck out of your kids If you have children, hug them. Every second they allow it, let your love for them, and theirs for you wash over you like a wave of healing energy. Your love for your children is a very powerful force. Use it. Also, hugging them gives you the physical touch that you need right now. Let their touch heal you. 
4. Go to your momma, grandma, aunt, best friend, sister, SOMEONE who loves you unconditionally and is not judging you for your decision, crawl into their lap and let them stroke your beautiful head and face and tell you that it is all going to be okay. You need someone in your life who can do this for you. It may not be your mom. Not everyone has a mom, or maybe mom is not on the same page. I was blessed that my mom was right there with me. But, we also know that sometimes moms take on our pain, and maybe we need other people in our lives who can be this person, too. Allow someone else to care for you in this intimate, motherly way. 

Here is the truth that you need to hear. You feel broken because you are broken. My beautiful lovelies, you are so broken. But it is okay. You are breaking open so that your beautiful soul and heart can emerge. You will be stronger than you ever imagined. You will be more YOU than you ever dreamed. You would not be in this place if this did not NEED to happen. You would feel more broken if you chose NOT to take this giant, scary step. Somewhere deep in your hurt, you know that with all of your being, you are being true to yourself by leaving. But it fucking hurts.

About 6 months before I actually left my ex, I was working at a summer camp. I was the cooking instructor and I had a free period and I was doing my prep, with tears streaming down my face. I had decided the day before that I was leaving my husband. I had not told him yet (or for months to come) but I knew in my heart that it was over. A woman I did not know very well was walking by and saw me, stopping to ask if I was okay. I told her that, no, I was really not okay. This woman who I barely knew told me this, "This next year is going to suck. It is not going to be better 1 month from now or 3 months from now. But a year from now, it will be a little bit better. And each day after that it will be a bit better until you realize that you are good. And this process, it takes time. It does not go away by trying to avoid it. So just go through it. You'll survive. You may not feel like you will, but you actually will. And you will be a better person and mom for it."  I don't even remember this woman's name. She had never been through a divorce, but her best friend had and we were all around the same age. I found her bluntness to be comforting and her words true.

Which brings me to my final words for today. Sometimes you will need to take this one day at a time. Sometimes it will be one hour at a time. And sometimes it will be one fucking minute at a time. And you need to swallow your pride and gather your tribe around you. Whoever it is....brothers, sisters, family, friends....gather them in and let them support you. You will make it through this. Let those who love you hold you up.

Thank you for listening my lovelies. I don't know if there someone else out there who needed to read this today, but I felt a strong feeling that I needed to share it. xoxo

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

Change is hard. Even when it is good change, it can be so overwhelming. I feel as if my life is filled with uncertainty right now. I am in the middle of a divorce. I am on the brink of a career change. I had not really thought of it in that way, but my day-to-day duties will be very different than what I am currently doing. I also started teaching as an adjunct professor.  It is exciting to take what I know and have learned over the years and teach it to the future teachers of our world.

I am so blessed to have these opportunities and I am having fun with them. But it also causes that pit in my stomach that I cannot quite get rid of right now.  What if I made the wrong choice? What if I fail? I HATE to fail. But...if I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that staying static does not improve situations. I have also learned that life moves forward, with or without you, whether you are involved or not. You might as well choose your path, before it is chosen for you.

So. Here I go...onward and upward into the unknown. I have really awesome friends and family who are supporting me along the way. I have people in my life who see things for me and about me that I have trouble seeing sometimes, and for that I am grateful. It is important for me to surround myself with people who know me; the real, nitty-gritty me. And they believe, not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am. 

I'm baack...

Hi y'all. I'm back. Not that I really went away; I had a self-imposed blog-break. Why, Melanie? Why have you not been writing your fabulous blog posts for us? Listen, I am not that self-important enough to think that any of you are thinking this. I write because writers have to write. It is just kind of how it is. Artists gotta do their art thing. Athletes have to move and be active. Writers gotta write. I cannot have this self-imposed silence any longer. So I am just going to come out with it and say it and then we can move on to bigger, better, more exciting topics.  Okay? Okay.

Over the past year I had come to the realization that the changes that needed to happen in order for my marriage to be successful were not going to happen. I stayed until I could no longer stay. In April, I moved with my daughter to my parent's house just a few miles down the road. I am currently in the process of a divorce. I was waiting for it to be final to share this information, but I have no idea how long that is going to take and as I said before, I have to write!

I do not intend on writing about the ins and outs of my situation here, as it is not appropriate. However, you may find a post or two about parenting through divorce, or being newly-single at the age of 39.

Know that I am doing well. I am strong and so is Lilly. In fact, I am realizing just how strong we both are. This does not mean that I do not have meltdowns and "wtf happened to my life" moments. I have amazing family and friends who immediately stepped up to the plate to help however and whenever I needed. I have had some really, really difficult moments. I have cried more in the past few months than I have in years. At the same time, my daily stress levels are lower. Lilly is doing extremely well, especially given the circumstances. She has outbursts and moments, but she has a fast recovery time and I am using them as teaching moments about managing her emotions and self-regulation.

So. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and support. I hope to be writing with some degree of regularity now. I will leave you with a few pictures so you can see that Lilly and I? We are doing just fine, my friends.

Happiness Selfie with Lilly

Springtime Sprinkler Fun

Moving Day Motivation, "This is Strong."

Curveballs and Compassion

Just when I think my life is coming along and maybe getting to the point where I am feeling good about  what is going on, life throws me a curveball.  I was going to use another phrase that has profanity in it, and it's not that I don't mind a good curse; I just changed my mind.  But click on the link to see the urban dictionary definitions of that other.  It made me smile, maybe even chuckle.

It is not a story that I can tell at this time, or maybe ever.  It is not mine to tell, yet it has affected me deeply.  If I don't write anything funny or witty or anything even for a little while, this is why.

I will keep plugging along and do what I need to do.  Now, maybe more than ever, that means taking care of myself first so that I can take care of the others in my life.

On another totally different note, a blog I follow, Momastery, had a recent back-to-school post.  As a teacher and a mother, I loved this post and this letter.  I totally plan on using it myself, both appropriately abbreviated now for my preschooler, and as is, with name changes, as Lilly gets older.  It is about compassion.  Please read it.  Use it with your children.  Use it as a reminder to yourself.

Mother Teresa said, “If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that We Belong to Each Other.” 

Lessons in Diversity - 4-year old style

I may have mentioned this before but if I did I can't find it.  There is a woman who works at my local Whole Foods who is a little person.   

So the point is that Lilly, now that she is not generally in a shopping cart, has noticed this woman, who is only a few inches taller than she.  The first time she really noticed her, the woman had already walked on, but Lilly was still staring.  She asked me why she was so short and I explained that people come in all shapes and sizes, much as I do when she asks why someone is "so big" when she notices a person who is obese.  We have seen the woman a handful of other times in passing.

This past Sunday I was there and the sales associate was standing at the end of the registers, almost like she was supervising.  Meaning, she was not walking away to another part of the store.  Lilly was walking by her and kelt looking back with open curiosity.  It took me a minute to make the decision, but I turned around with Lilly and asked the woman ( Michaela, it turns out) if my daughter could meet her.  I explained that she, Lilly had never met another adult who was only a little taller than she.  Michaela agreed and let Lilly look at her, asked how she was and introduced herself.  Lilly then introduced herself and they talked for a minute or two.  I thanked Michaela and we walked out of the store.

In my Disabilities Studies class at Montclair State University we discussed these very situations.  At the time Lilly was just about a year old so it was not very real to me.  It was more of a hypothetical situation but I was able to really think about what I would do when the time came.  The one thing I had realized was that telling my child not to stare was not going to be my solution.  Children stare.  It is natural for them; so in telling them not to, you are letting them know something is wrong.  I decided that I wanted my child(ren) to grow up knowing about differences while still respecting them.

Did I feel the littlest bit awkward asking this woman, a stranger to me,  if I could introduce my daughter to her?  Yes, but I wanted Lilly to see for REAL that people come in all shapes and sizes.  This was not hypothetical.  This was real life, in my local grocery store.  We will see this woman again, and I am hoping that next time Lilly will only stare so she can catch her eye and say hi.  After all, when we went out to the car Lilly told Vinnie, "Daddy, I met a new friend.  Her name is Michaela."