working is, well, work

I generally love my job.  I love it enough that I do not usually wish I was a SAHM instead of a working mom.  (Okay, I sometimes daydream about winning the lottery so that I can be a lady of leisure.  But apparently you have to be in it to win it.)  However, the past several work days have been a little bit more stressful than usual, and it is only going to get better worse. I feel pulled in several, usually opposite, directions and I am trying to get all my work done in a timely manner.

On top of it all, it is only my 2nd year in the position, so there is a learning curve.  I am sure that I will get faster and more efficient in what I need to get done as the years go by but for now, slow and steady seems to be my pace.  I am definitely more confident than I was last year but as new responsibilities have been added, that confidence only takes me so far.

Lest I sound like a whiny bitch...well, maybe I am a little whiny and/or bitchy tonight.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my system so that I can go back tomorrow refreshed and full of energy so I can power through whatever needs to get done.

p.s. Broadway show tunes on Pandora are an awesome way to get through a lot of paperwork!  If only I could banish them from my head now that I am trying to get ready for bed.  "Tonight, tonight..."

The holiday madness has descended

Oh. my. goodness.  I completely underestimated the insane effect of the impending holidays on my 3 year old.  She is a train wreck right now.  She needs wants everything.  She doesn't understand the passage of time (duh) so she thinks Christmas should be here already.  I mean, the poor kid has been seeing commercials and advertisements since practically the day after Halloween.

We have been trying very hard to explain the true meaning of Christmas.  She has gone to Mass with me and we talk about it a lot.  When I told her it was Jesus' birthday she was confused.  We even picked names off the giving tree together and she cried because she thought it meant that she was going to have to give her gifts to someone else.

I know that her reactions are pretty normal but sometimes I am still shocked at just how egocentric this 3-year-old can be.  I think that normally she is very giving and willing to share.  Well, she has a hard time sharing food sometimes.  But she is very generous with her toys and her stuff in general.

On top of it all we have not been keeping a great schedule.  We have had some later nights and some family visits.  She is way better at adapting than she used to be, but she is still very much a schedule kid.  The combination of all this led to these pictures today:

Charming, no?  It was 3pm-ish and right smack in the middle of nap time.  I actually think the pictures are hysterical!  She is with her (mine really) cousins Jack and Nolan, both of whom she adores.  We were able to get a few cuter ones after my cousin, their sister, Victoria talked her into it.

 
 Lilly was kind of smiling in the one with Jack's arm around her but I missed it.  I like the one where she is jumping, though. And why did we not get pictures of all the cousins?  Victoria? Do we remember why?  Next time...

Anyway, it was a great day spent with some wonderful family members.  I am hoping that now that I am aware of this craziness, I can be more calm about it.  Hoping...but maybe a glass of red wine each night will help with that this week!

oh my...weeks past and ahead

I have been remiss in my blogging absenteeism.  I wish I had a better excuse like, I was on an exotic island with no wifi, but I don't.  I was more than a little overwhelmed with some stuff going on and just could not write about it yet.  And because I could not write about the main thing going on, I could not write about anything.

As I have blogged about many times before, Lilly has had febrile seizures from the time she was 15 months old.  For those who don't know what that means, febrile seizures are generally harmless and caused by the fever, either how fast it is rising or falling.  They are not neurologically involved.  Children outgrow them by 5-6 years old.

Most children have 1 or 2.  Lilly has had over 12.  I have lost count.  They have all been at very low temperatures, like 100.5 or 101.  Barely a fever, really.  The frequency had slowed down, so we were hopeful that she was outgrowing them already.  The last one was Memorial Day weekend after she had a vaccine booster that Friday.  For Lilly vaccine = fever = seizure.  I should have known that she needed constant ibuprofen.  Advil is our friend.

And then she had a different kind of seizure.  Last month, before Halloween actually, she was with my mom at a friend's house when she had a 10+ minute seizure.  With no fever.  :(  The ER doctor told me that he had never heard of a child having so many febrile seizures without being medicated.  He also made it clear that this was NOT a febrile seizure.  Time to go for another neurologist visit.

I decided to switch neuros at this time.  I won't get into all the details because, while they are important to me, it is a long and involved story.  Suffice it to say I did not feel fully comfortable with the last one.  I did not realize how uncomfortable I was until I met the new one.  I LOVE HIM!!  Lilly loved him.  That or she loved the toys in his office and the lollipop he gave her after his exam.

He recommended that she have the 48-hour video EEG (which is done in a hospital) as soon as possible.  The main concern, are her seizures caused by the fever OR are the fevers caused by the seizure, he brought up to me before I said anything and is the EXACT question I asked the last neurologist more than once.  That alone felt like he was the right doctor for us.  Lilly had the 20 minute EEG (sedated) almost 2 years ago.  The insurance company wants that one repeated before they will pay for the 48 hour.  The doctor called them and argued his case.  I am awaiting the decision.

We were supposed to go into the hospital last week but due to the insurance SNAFU we were rescheduled for this week.  I am hoping that we are in.  I just want the answers.  Knowing is hard.  Not knowing is harder.  Last week I was a ball of nerves and could barely be nice to anyone.  When the testing was cancelled at the very last minute the evening before I realized I just had to let it go.  I had worried about it all weekend, through Thanksgiving.  Well that got me nowhere fast.  I could not worry like I had for another whole week.

I received a confirmation call from the hospital this evening confirming Lilly's appointment.  I am hoping that is a positive sign.  I know that Lilly will do great.  Me, I am probably questionable!  lol

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts in the next few days. xoxo

I wish that I could think of something witty and funny to write tonight.  Instead all I can think about is how I lost my temper with my little girl.  She refused to clean up her toys.  I was doing all the right things and saying all the right things and she still would not even pick up one stupid toy.  And then I yelled.  And predictably, she yelled back and then cried and still refused to pick up her toys.  This went on for a few minutes...me yelling, her crying and still not cleaning and all the while I am.  Somehow we both calmed down and she started to clean up her toys with me.  This kind of thing does not happen that often in our house, but I hate when it does.  I feel terrible.  I wish that I could turn back the clocks and make a better choice.  What would I have done?  I would have sat on the couch and not made the popcorn or put the movie on.  It was raining and that was our after nap treat.  I would have sat there calmly and quietly until she realized that we had to clean the toys first.

She told me later, after I apologized, that I need a squishy ball to squeeze instead of yelling.  Oh, the wisdom of a 3 year-old...

Here I am...

...at midnight AGAIN!  It was a rough day.  Lilly, who was ill,  vacillated between cheery, sweet and snuggly to cranky, hitting, pinching and basically wretched.  I probably could have used a glass of wine tonight, if I was prone to such a thing.  The good thing is that I was able to see my friend for an hour alone, sans children!  This may be miraculous.  And seriously necessary today for both of us.

My husband was home but doing his job search stuff while I was home and then at the store during the big meltdown of mom.  Which left me to handle Lilly's ups and downs.  I did not handle them with the aplomb that I wish I had.  I wish that I was able to report to all my readers that I was able to implement all of my positive behavior supports (PBS) and things went swimmingly.  I would be lying.  I actually wrote a whole other post about my feelings about how I handled things today but I am not sure I am courageous enough to post it yet.  Suffice it to say I apologized to Lilly for losing my temper and we were both in tears at one point tonight.  It brought to mind the original reason I was started this blog.  I was just getting so damn overwhelmed!

I am a teacher, yes.  But I also identify myself as a learner.  I have to remember and remind myself that parenting has a big learning curve and it is something that we learn as we go along.  I have to be kind to myself.  Sometimes it is just so fucking hard.

the gym

I went to the gym tonight for the first time in, I don't know, forever.  It was just one of those things that I did not got for a few days because I was super tired.  Then it was hard with Vin being in school 2 nights a week so the only time I could really go meant that we never saw each other.  Then I had toe nail surgery.  Then I sprained my ankle.  In between Lilly would be sick.  I just stopped going.  Because, you know the feeling, I was embarrassed to go back and I was feeling fatter and more out of shape than ever.  Tonight I left Lilly's room before 9pm, which is a huge feat as of late.  So instead of making up the excuse that it is too late and that I won't have time to do a full workout, I was just going to go.  And I did.  I did the elliptical for 25 minutes and I worked it hard.

A woman who I would often see at the gym was also there.  I noticed that she may have lost a few pounds or toned up a bit.  I was tempted to have a pity party that I too would have lost weight if I had continued going to the gym.  But I stopped it in its tracks and decided to think that I can also lose some weight if I continue to workout regularly.  Hooray for me!  That small change in thinking is a big change for me.  

I was doing some working out on the wii and have increased my activity just by being home for the summer.  However, I strongly feel that I need to go to the gym for that mental break.  I could work out in  my house, but there are other things I could also be doing.  (Cleaning up from dinner, laundry, vacuuming, reading for work, you catch my drift)  At the gym, I plug my ipod in and GO!  It helps clear my mind and my stress and rids my mind of feelings of being overwhelmed.  If only they had babysitting....

Not only off the band wagon...

...but run over by it! Seriously, being at home this week has sucked in terms of eating. Couple that with being totally PMSy and an eating machine is born. And not healthy things like carrots and apples. I can start again tomorrow, right? Right? I know I could start right now, but I am not planning on eating anything else tonight as it is after 10pm. I have an 8:30am appointment with the endocrinologist tomorrow so maybe I will have something to post tomorrow. Or maybe not, who knows!?

On a totally different note, I feel like a bad mom today. It was just one of those days when I was feeling PMSy (see above) and Lilly was being a typical toddler who does not usually get to see Mommy all day. She had tantrums about e.v.e.r.y. thing and I was not the most patient mommy today. I was crying about it later and she said, "Mommy sad?" I told her that yes, I was sad because sometimes mommies get sad too, but I was okay. I smiled at her and she gave me a kiss. That only made me feel even worse. I am resolved to be a better mom tomorrow. Today (and yesterday to be honest) were just bad days. I know I am a good mom. I do. I just get down on myself sometimes.

Lazy Sundays?

Now that I am working Sundays have generally become my biggest day of work, as opposed to the traditional day of rest.

Here is what I have done and need to do today: Went to 1/2 Mass (because Lilly could only make it through half); came home and made breakfast for Vin, Lilly and myself; washed the dishes and pots from last night and emptied/refilled the dishwasher; put Lilly in for nap; worked out at the gym (cardio & stretching); as I came home Lilly was waking up so I heated up lunch for all of us; gathered laundry and started it; now I am blogging :); need to do about 3-4 more loads of laundry and put it away; go grocery shopping; cook dinner; get Lilly's stuff ready for daycare and my stuff ready for work; make lunches; bathe Lilly and get her to bed.

Generally I like lists. I like to write them, look at them, cross things off of them...you get the idea. Sundays list is so daunting that I just try to get through it by routine. Because that is the kicker of it all...this is not an extraordinary Sunday. This is a regular, every Sunday thing. Granted Vin helps out. But I still feel like mostly everything falls upon my shoulders. I guess it is a good thing I have such broad shoulders.

the working mom dilemma?

I thought that being at work all day would give me the patience with Lilly when I was with her. Meaning, that since I was spending significantly less time with her, I would not lose my patience when she has a tantrum or gets overtired and cranky. This was a great thing I heard happens from other working moms. LIARS!!! Okay, not really, but I am not finding that to be true. I find that the more time I am away from her the less I am able to put up the tantrums and crankiness. Also, in the little time that I have with her each day I am also: getting ready for work in the morning, cooking dinner, packing lunches, doing laundry, trying to keep the house in order, doing homework, and oh, spending time with my precious little one.

I also think that I was more in touch with what is typical behavior when I was a SAHM. Kind of like I was conditioned to expect it.

Another thing that is MUCH harder to handle as a working mom is night-time waking. It was hard enough when I was a SAHM. Now, it is terrible. Even if I can get her back to sleep in bed with me, the rest of my night's sleep is not as good. My average bedtime is midnight, waking at 6ish. If she wakes up at 4, I only get 4 hours of good sleep and then 2 hours of mediocre sleep.

I won't even touch right now the stress between Vin and I. I knew working would make things stressful. That I have heard from friends. The money situation gets better, but not great. And every other stress factor sky rockets. I think it was surprise to him, though. I have a feeling he thought we would be on easy street once I started working. Life is never that simple.

The good news is that Lilly is really loving her daycare now. I am really getting into my position now at work. I (think) I am doing a good job and am hopefully impressing the powers to be so that I can hopefully obtain a permanent position.

I think the bottom line is that there are difficult things to handle whether you are a working mom or a SAHM. Maybe that is why there is often a battle between the two. It is really our own internal battles coming out to play. I could very easily say to a SAHM that her job is so much easier, based on my own experiences and wants and needs. But when I was a SAHM it was not easy. Money was tight to the point of being non-existent. And lets face it, it can be lonely. Thank God for social media like facebook and MOL and Mothers & More.

Anyway, if you have not guessed, I am writing this at 2am because Lilly has been awake for over an hour. After losing my patience, Vin stepped in and I needed to write to release some of this stress. Writing has always been good for my soul. I think my blood pressure has come back down to normal so wish me luck as I try to get some sleep tonight.

the mom dilemma

Before I was a mom I had visions of grandeur involving what my life would be like as a Mom. Life was a rude awakening my friends. I am not a working-for-pay mom yet but I am assuming that these problems that I am having as a Mom would plague every kind of Mom. Here is my dilemma, in a nut shell: How does a person get everything done that is supposed to get done? Here is what I would like to get done on a daily basis: cook, daily cleaning and tidying, work out, a few minutes of alone time OR short nap if necessary, spend time with my husband. On a regular basis: big cleaning like mopping, bathrooms, etc, laundry, school work, job applications. Maybe I would even like to have a phone conversation or two. All this needs to occur with a toddler underfoot. Who takes everything out of her dresser when I am putting clothes away in the next room. Who pulls out her favorite books and walks over to me while I am cleaning and says, "BO-ok" and opens my hand and places the book in said hand.

I feel like I can have a clean house but never exercise again, ever and perhaps never let my daughter be a kid. (read: messy, independent, feeding herself, coloring and painting, etc.) Or I can be resigned to a messier house. Here is the kicker...we only have one child right now. Can you imagine what will happen if/when #2 comes along? Hopefully we will be in a bigger house where there will be a play room and toys will not be as invasive on my daily life. For instance, I could walk across my floor without twisting my anle and stubbing my toe and then setting off toys that make noise that have NO OFF switch. Seriously, who makes a noisy toy without an off switch?

It is at times like this that I remember my original blog title...overwhelmed and loving it. Motherhood is not as overwhelming as it was in those first days, and certainly not in the same ways. But life can still be hectic. It is in the handling of that chaos that our true colors show.

Oh, and I have yet to receive a phone call. Positive feelings are dwindling. :(

Sleep %&#@ issues

I was thrilled! Last night Lilly slept from 8pm - 6am. Straight...no waking! It was a delight to have uninterrupted sleep. I had planned on sleeping until 7, so 6 was a little early, especially since I was up late cleaning, doing homework and then reading a bit, but that was okay. Now tonight...she woke up at 1:30. I nursed her in her room, tried to put her into the crib and she screamed. I finally brought her into my bed with me. Around 3 she started fussing again. Mostly to let my husband sleep I took her out and brought her back into her room. I tried the crib again - screamed. I took her out and rocked with her in the rocker. Wide awake. We go downstairs and lay together on the couch. She starts talking to the cats. "hi cat" while waving. Eventually I gave up and put Blue's Clues on and we are now watching Sesame Street. So, considering I went to sleep about 12:15, I have gotten a total of 2 hours sleep.

What the heck? This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, it is a pattern. Randomly she will sleep through the night and the next night, maybe 2, is hell. It is bad enough now. How will I handle this if/when I start a full time job in 2 months???

edited to add: She had Motrin right before bed for teething so I do not think that is it.

married life

Do you ever just want the arguing and bickering between you and your husband to end? Often it just seems like an ongoing battle that we take a break from and pick it right back up. Thankfully it is usually over minor things like cleaning and cooking and what's for dinner. But seriously? I really would like to be able to just have a weekend during which we have NO ARGUMENTS. Our common arguments go like this:

Please keep in mind that this is decidedly one-sided.

Me: I thought you were not sleeping in today.

He: I didn't. I slept until 9 like I said I would.

Me: It is 9:45 and considering I have been up since before 7am with our daughter, even 9 is sleeping in.

He: I'm sorry, okay. (in a slightly churlish voice)

Me: Whatever. Now it is time for her morning nap.

(later on)

He: Why don't you take a break?

Me: Because the house is a disaster, we have no clean laundry and we have nothing in the house to eat for dinner.

(sometimes arguments ensue over this.)

Before dinner, as I cook, sometimes with a toddler screaming at my legs.

He: Why is she crying like this?

Me: She is hungry and tired because we are eating way too late for a 1 year-old.

He: Stop crying!

Me: Don't talk to her like that!

He: Like what?

After dinner is done and baby is bathed, changed, read to and nursed...all by me...
He: What are you doing?

Me: I am cleaning the kitchen. I cannot go to bed with it like this. I need to be able to come down in the morning, make my coffee, which is decaf to begin with, and get breakfast for Lilly.

He: I cleaned all her toys.

Me: Thank you. (This has entailed everything going haphazardly into any bin or basket. I know she is too young to realize that her toys are organized or not, but I like them organized so I can see where everything is. Also, I get aggravated when I see her pull trash or non-toys out of the toy bin.) Sometimes I fix things right then, if there are obvious things that need fixing. Otherwise I wait until morning and he is at work.

He: What? What did I do wrong?

Me: It's just that.... (use your imagination)

He: anything said with a tone or curse words interspersed in daily conversation

Me: Why are you saying it like that? and Watch your mouth around the baby!

He: What tone? What are you talking about?



Or like tonight, I came down from putting Lilly in bed for the 2nd time and did a load of laundry. I then came up and worked on the kitchen for probably about an hour. I cleaned up meat juice that had spilled all over the counters and floor. I put away the dishwasher and washed the dirty dishes. I put away any food or condiments form our dinner. Then when he was shooting me with foam darts, he was wondering why I was not amused. When I asked why he just lied on the couch the entire time, he said that he can never do anything right anyway. I know that this can be true. It seems that our arguments are mostly about me wanting him to do more. From what my married friends, especially those with young children, say, this is all too common. So what do people do? Give up? Just do all the work (cooking, cleaning, laundry, baby caring) themselves?

I have been working on letting things go. My mom always says, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy." I think I need to concentrate on being happy. But damn it...I am right!

Okay, I do have to add that Vinnie does do things for me. This morning he made me and Lilly pancakes. He manned the grill while I did the sides and fed Lilly. And he went out to the store to get stuff so I could make cookies for the playgroup tomorrow. Maybe, for a guy, that is a lot in one day. And I am not being sarcastic about this. Lastly, but most importantly, he goes to work every day and provides for us.

so....

I really have nothing to say because I am pretty overwhelmed and cranky. I should say, I have nothing POSITIVE to say. In the past 10 days I have dealt with: a sick baby, a teething baby, a sick husband, a final grad school project, husband's birthday, a short trip down the shore, a leaking car, dealing with said car company, car shopping and now getting ready for Lilly's 1st birthday party. Oh and let's throw my period in on top of that...cause that's always fun. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. And for some reason Lilly is refusing to sleep in her crib. Great.

One of those days...

It has been one of those days. I am sleep deprived to the max...stayed up late 3 nights in a row to finish a grad school project/paper. Lilly was nap-resistant today. There are some days when I feel like all I do is attempt to get her to nap. Notice the word attempt!

I never got to the library. I swear they can pay at least one librarian's salary on my fines. Never got to Target to get stuff for Lilly's Easter Basket. Never got to Stop & Shop for garbage bags so we are using the little grocery bags. Never did laundry so Lilly may not have jammies to wear tonight.

Well, at least I got to Whole Foods and bought stuff for dinner and for meatballs. I got dinner on the table at a reasonable hour and it was fairly nutritious. I made mashed potatoes and grilled london broil. Paired it with a steam fresh and we were good to go. Whoever thought of those was brilliant! It makes eating healthy so much more convenient.

I will be making meatballs tomorrow for my friends who just had babies. :) And I am supposed to be gathering Lilly's laundry now from her room so that I can do it after she *hopefully* goes to sleep at a relatively early hour. I won't tell if you won't! wink wink

Mondays

I am very overwhelmed today.  Lilly cried a lot.  She was not comforted by nursing or by being held.  I started thinking it was me.  I raised my voice when I was speaking to her.  Then I was so mad at myself for doing that.  For goodness sake she is only a baby!  The guilt!!  

I realized that I have been feeling more overwhelmed than usual.  I have gained weight.  I am just not so happy.  I am freaking exhausted.  I think that starting school, the baptism and Lilly teething all kind of combined to make it a very stressful time for me.

The question is, now what do I do?  Do I call my midwives to see if they can test my thyroid levels?  A common complaint about this time postpartum is hypothroidism.  I know "they" say to not feel alone and that you did not cause it.  But gosh darn it, it sure feels lonely over here, and like I get the award for Bad New Mom of the Year.

update:  I actually felt better only a few days later.  I cried on the shoulder of one of my great friends and veteran mom, Nicole.  She assured my that I was completely normal.  I got some sleep, somehow.  I prioritized a bit.  I let go of my need for that "A".  I realized that I probably gained weight for a few reasons, one of which is that I am actually eating.  I did not eat properly almost all summer!  I forgot to eat half the time.  No matter I was so thin!  Now I just have to work on losing it again...healthily.  Oh, and I had my thyroid checked and it was normal.  

overwhelmed and NOT loving it

Tonight was one of those nights that I was warned about from all my friends who were moms before me.  It was not pretty.  

Okay, I will add a little more info.  Sleep deprived mommies and cranky daddies do not mesh.  It happens more than I like to admit to myself.  I know I am a full time nursing mom.  My daughter has only learned to take a bottle from my mom, so far.  She will not take it from my husband.  This makes things difficult.  She is very attached to me right now.  But that doesn't mean I have to be the only one to hold her, comfort her, whatever.  I feel like I am being punished for doing this amazing, wondrous thing.  

I know that this too will pass.  I got through the first few weeks after a c-section and breast feeding issues, right?  Okay, maybe things will look brighter in the morning.  Or after I get some sleep.  I just keep replaying conversations with my girlfriends in my mind.  Ones in which they told me that they thought their marriages would not survive the baby's 1st birthday.  Because they all did.  Some are even on baby #2!

Okay, I am going to try to force my gritty eyes to close and stay that way.  At least until the next feeding an hour from now!

My tooth

So the day after my wedding my crown fell out.  That is what I get for eating cold swedish fish.  Since I was pregnant at the time, my dentist glued it back in, but did not want to do any work on it.  Fast forward a few months and I decided to have my uncle, a dentist, do this crown.  Mainly because he did it the first time.  But also, my insurance is changing to my husband's, and I will not be able to use my beloved dentist.  Not that I don't love my uncle, but he lives in DE, a solid 2 hours away.  I procrastinated all summer, mostly because the thought of a 2 hour trip with my newborn was a bit overwhelming.  

Monday afternoon, I was really close to the breaking point.  Lilly was crying all day, unless she was being held, and sometimes even then.  She is teething hard and we had been on the go all weekend.  It was too hard to make a meal for myself, so I was snacking...cheez its, carrots and dip, etc.  And, you guessed it, my crown came out.  It was the figurative straw.  I promptly called my uncle's office and luckily his wife, Aunt Pam, answered the phone.  I broke down crying.  I did not even know I wanted to cry, but there I was crying over my broken crown.  Thank God it was Pam who answered!  

So today Lilly, my mom and I are making the trip to Delaware.  I hope that it goes smoothly.  I am glad my mom can make it.  She will watch Lil while I am in the dentist chair.  Lilly woke up much earlier than normal and I am a little tired.  I may need regular, not decaf today!