Just Lose It!!!

I entered the summer with a expectations that were just a tad unrealistic.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could lose 30 pounds.  Give or take.  Yes, I know, you are all shaking your head right about now.  I am smh at myself.   I just found out that smh = shaking my head.  Had to use it.  :)   The thing is, I had never really voiced those expectations.  I am sure if I had someone would have laughed corrected me.  I was not really saying anything to anyone because, well, I did not want to fail.  I hate failing, maybe more than anything.  How silly of me...I don't want to fail but I set expectations that would have been impossible to meet.  But I had mentioned to a few people that I wanted to take the opportunity of working in a structured, busy environment to start anew on my weight loss journey.

So the results are in...I lost 15 pounds from the beginning of camp.  Yay!!!  I ate healthier than I had been, was working outside and on my feet in the heat for 8 hours a day and walked a good bit.  So now here is where the real work is going to begin for me.  I am home for the next 3 weeks before the school year begins again.  I have lots of time to snack.  I am not sweating on my feet for 8 hours a day.  If I am hungry, there is food in my house, unlike camp where I brought my lunch and any snacks.  Even though I was cooking all day and even tasting small bites many times through the day, I did not eat what I was cooking all that much.

I know I have to move.  That is always a big part of weight loss for me.  I also know that I need to pack and bring my lunch to work.  I found a few lunches that worked for me this summer.  it can be a little boring, but I think that's actually a good thing for weight loss.

The big change I have made since I am home now is that I am diligently tracking all my food and exercise.  I had used this app before but then this summer it was more difficult because we were not allowed to use our cell phones during camp.  Plus I was taking lots of "tastes" but not full servings, so it was challenging.  The app I am using is Lose It.  I find that it is easy to use and I love that I can scan foods.  I have also put in some of my "usuals" in the recipe section so that instead of adding my coffee, cream and sugar separately I can just add my coffee for which I already measured and calculated everything.  Additionally, when I scan in, say 2 chocolate chip cookies, and I see that I just ate 160 calories, I am less inclined to grab a few more.  A cup of grapes for 62 calories versus 2 cookies for 160.  There is a reason why the author of the "Eat This Not That" cookbooks is doing so well.  I just needed to see it for myself.

Along with using the app I am measuring most things again.  Years and years ago I lost a lot of weight by measuring and writing it all down.  That is how I will do it again.  I know it might take me a long time and I might even have setbacks here and there.  That is just being realistic, and I really don't want to trick my mind into thinking I can lose all the weight by Christmas.  It's just not going to happen!

I know beyond a doubt, that this is a journey.  And I also know I have to be patient with myself and have realistic expectations.  And also, like a journey, there are twists and turns, valleys and mountains but I just have to continue along.

One more note... Whenever I am tempted to think that 15 pounds is nothing compared to what I need to lose, I remember what my BFF Michelle told me another time I was on WW.  I think of a 5 lb bag of sugar, even pick one up next time I am in the grocery store.  It's heavy!  That is a lot of weight that is no longer surrounding my organs!

the podiatrist is my friend

**sigh** As many of you know, I have been really trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  This includes eating more fruits and veggies, sleeping more, relaxing as needed and exercising.  I was doing so well with the exercising and running and I was excited to maybe run a 5k this fall.  But then I started to feel pain in my ankle so I rested it for a bit.  Last Monday I went for a nice walk in between work and back to school night, since I was staying in Hoboken with nothing else to do.  I kept it easy.  I ran for 2 minutes but realized I was not ready to run again, especially on the hard sidewalks.  My ankle felt fine.  All week it felt fine.  I was wearing heels and it felt fine.  On Thursday it suddenly hurt.  A lot.  By Friday afternoon I was thinking that maybe I had to go to the ER it felt that bad.  I was able to get an appointment with a podiatrist for Saturday morning.

Here is the verdict:  chronic sprain in my right ankle, plantar fasciitis and heel spurs in both feet.  No "pounding" activity for me for awhile.  Special braces to wear at night to help the plantar fasciitis, one to wear while on my feet for the sprain.  The usual anti-inflammatory meds and a cream are also added.  The doctor was very thorough and watched the way I was walking and standing.  He thinks that they way I walk contributed to both things so he ordered orthotics to help with that.

I am so disappointed with this situation.  He suggested swimming or using a stationary bike, but I do not have the money to join a gym to do those activities right now.  Maybe in a few months I will be able to join someplace with a pool.  I think the biggest part of the disappointment is that the running/walking was always about and for me, and only me.  Maybe now that my hand is feeling better I can do yoga again.  I forgot to mention last week that they finally removed that 1 inch stitch that was still in my hand.  Since it was removed it has improved 100%!

I think what I need to do is concentrate on what I can do and not what I cannot.  I can do abs, strengthening exercises, some walking, maybe yoga and watch what I eat.  I can start physical therapy as soon as I am approved.  And I can continue to think healthier.  I'll get to the 5k one day.  As my one friend said, there will be more.

wah! sidelined for a few days

I had posted on facebook earlier that I had tweaked my ankle doing a dance aerobics thing, thank you Billy Blanks jr.  I felt it as soon as I did and tried to stretch it but that did not make it feel better.  The next day I rested it in terms of exercise.  Today I was totally ready to wake up and get on the road for a nice long walk, even if I could not run.  The ankle felt worse, right in the back in the Achilles tendon.  I went to see my mom, who is not a doctor but plays one on tv.  :)  After a lot of massage and stretching it felt a lot better, but her orders were to rest it for several days.  I kind of already knew I should, but I really did not want to believe it.  I have such a hard time getting into an exercise routine that I hate to have to break it.  I guess maybe it is good to have the first week back to work off to get back into that routine.  Part of what makes me so upset is that I was so careful about not doing too much running too fast or too soon.  It was the aerobics on my off day that did me in!

I just really do not want to lose my momentum and motivation.  Help me friends!!  I am starting to feel a little discouraged here.  Thanks!!!!

I think I can or I know I can?

I have spoken about trying to lose weight and eat better in this blog before.  It has not happened.  For various reasons that I could go on and on about, I did not lose, but gained weight.  I became out of shape, not in better shape.  I made poor food choices and blamed it on many outside things/forces/whathaveyous.
Little by little in recent months, I began to see what I looked like and did not like it.  Not necessarily because I looked bad, but because I felt like the extra weight was my costume so that I could hide.

I have tried weight loss programs in the past and I would be marginally successful.  There have been two times in my life that I was very successful in losing the weight: once in college and when I was pregnant and then gave birth.  The latter has the easy reason of having morning (noon & night) sickness until about 4 1/2 months.  I had a 2 week reprieve and then for the remainder of the pregnancy I still had aversions (Chinese food and yogurt - blech!) and the added pleasure of throwing up every day.  Until I delivered, basically.  Within 18 months I gained back all the weight I lost while I was pregnant and directly after.  And then some.

The previous time that I lost a lot of weight was when I just made a decision one day to live a healthy lifestyle.  I literally went to bed one day deciding to change the next day; and I did.  The problem was that I was ultra strict with myself and it was very sudden.  I know some programs (OA) can be like that, but you have the support then.  This was just me, on my own.  It did not last long because it was not sustainable.  At least not for me.  I did not want to watch other people eat birthday cake.  There is a lot more to that story, but that is a story for another day, maybe.

Okay so back to the past few months...  I started to see my weight as a costume or shield.  From what, I still have to figure out.  I also started to take responsibility for my weight.  Yes, there are lots of reasons that I could say, "I gained weight because..." but nobody force fed me.  I put the food in my mouth.  Most of the time I even bought the food that I put in my mouth!  There is a freedom in accepting that I did this because it also means that I can undo this.  My recent focus has been away from dieting and on healthy eating and living.  Eating healthier, finding relaxation techniques that work for me and exercising are becoming a priority in my life.

I have always secretly wanted to be a runner, but I could never really get there.  I can walk pretty darn fast, but running makes me want to puke.  But I want to!  I have researched running programs, tried to figure out how I could do this.  But I never took that figurative first step to becoming a runner.  Last week I started walking again.  I had started right before and in between both my hand surgeries but now I really have nothing in the way.  Today I started running, a little bit, just to see if I could.  I always think that I can't.  That I am not a runner.  Yet today, I just did it.  I stopped thinking and did.  I walked as needed, but then started again.  This was already after 20 minutes of walking, so I knew I was not going to injure myself.  I felt powerful and graceful and like I could be a runner.  That momentum carried me through my day.  It made making healthy choices easier.  It cleared a lot of fluff from my head.  I want to run more.

NC 2011

Last year Vin, Lilly and I drive to NC to visit my college bestie Michelle.  Michelle moved to NC at some point in college after her parents, gulp, moved there while she was studying abroad in Australia.  Where, by the way, she met her hubbie Jason.  I had visited over the years but have not done the drive since Lilly came along.  Last year we stayed in a hotel 1/2 way both on the way down and back.  This year we were road warriors!  We drove all the way down in 1 day!!  Lilly was an amazing traveller.  She seriously did not give us any trouble going or coming back.  We spent about a week there visiting and getting to know her little miracle baby Porter.  From the looks of him (picture to follow) you would never guess that he was 10 weeks early!  He is an amazing baby and has the sweetest disposition.

We decided to take it easy coming home and stay over in VA.  Well, thank goodness we did because it took us 5.5 hours to drive the 200 or so miles from NC to VA.  yikes!  Vin was so hardcore...doing ALL the driving and not even letting me drive a tiny bit.  I was the Lilly helper....food, drinks, snacks, DVDs, books, crayons and baby dolls.  I will add pictures when I can find my wire to download them to my computer.

Now that I have had my fill of BBQ....swoon...I am getting back on that same old, same old bandwagon.  Eating healthy and daily exercise starts tomorrow!  I know, I know....I say that all the time.  But seriously, I need to just fucking do it.  I am tired of not fitting into my cute summer clothes.  Plus, I have some super cute fall skirts that will look so hot (yet work-appropriate) with my boots!  Must. Lose. Weight.  And I really, really just want to feel better about myself and I know I do when I just get the job done.  It is not that I lose weight and feel better because I start to feel better a lot sooner than any weight loss occurs.  I feel better about myself when I exercise regularly.  And then I make better choices.  And then the weight loss occurs.  Or probably it all happens at the same time, but you get my drift.

I am sure this should have been 2 posts but it's not.  My blog, my prerogative.  Kinda like the random profanities...my blog.  So bite me.  :)

p.s.  I was never into the term "bestie" when used by people over say, 12, but it has grown on me.  I always feel that BFF was limited to 1 person whereas bestie may refer to a few people because really, who has just 1 BFF?

So, is this it?

Is this my actual bottom where I decide to lose weight once and for all?  I sure hope so because I do not feel like buying more clothes.  I have all the excuses in the world for having gained weight, many of them valid.  However, I need to stop the excuses to myself and be real.  I had given up the scale because I was being obsessive about it.  But then yesterday Lilly asked to weigh herself at my MIL's house.  Then she asked me to weigh myself.  I was not shocked, but duly alarmed at the number on that scale.  So I weighed myself on my own scale this morning.  The number, while not as scary as yesterday's, was higher than I would care to admit.

The time is here.  I am making a decision to eat better with less snacks and bringing my own lunch.  AND I MUST GET TO THE GYM!!!!  Seriously, it drives me nuts that I am not going, but every week there has been something.  As soon as I am feeling out of the woods from this crazy viral thing I have, back to the gym I go. If I have to go from work and pack my clothes in the car in the morning, then so be it.

You heard it hear first.

late September already?

This past week was super hectic and all my good intentions to update this blog went right out the window. September has been insanely packed from the get-go, actually and I rather hope that it calms down a bit.

My co-worker who was out for a broken leg is back and we are now really getting underway.  I actually have a schedule for this week and I am excited to throw myself into it all.  I know that I will be very busy in the weeks and months to come and I am pretty happy about that.  Leaving Lilly breaks my heart almost every morning as she clings to my leg and tells me she wants to go to work with me.  I know that she is fine and playing with Vin within minutes of my departure, but the crying just adds to my sadness at being away from her all day.

I really love working and feeling as if I am using my graduate degree for which I worked very hard.  I know that I need to work, regardless of how I feel about it.  I am very fortunate to be home so early in the day, as compared to my friends who take the train into NYC and get home by 7pm.

I just miss her so and I want to be the one to teach her and play with her and....I could go on and on.  Vinnie is doing well with her while I am gone and she goes to her daycare 2 days a week now.  She is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to that, but I knew that was likely.    She has friends in school and she learns so much from them.  She comes home singing new songs and is counting in English and Spanish and recognizing many letters.  She loves to pretend play and it has become more complicated and involved.  She is starting to really recognize simple feelings, both in herself and others.  Lilly is just growing up before my very eyes!

Regarding my exercise and eating habits....it all went out the window, but is about to walk right back in that door.  I want to go to they gym, I was just insanely tired the first few weeks of school, and then did not feel too hot this past week with the blasted allergies.  This week I start again.  Back to the gym and back to healthier eating.  I promise!

the scale and whatnot

If you follow my blog (I hope someone says yes!) then you will know that I was attempting to follow Weight Watchers.  I say attempting because I was only really doing it full heartedly for a few weeks.  I would do well for a few weeks and then fall off.  Then I would get back into it but then stop mid-week or something.  There was always a reason why I was not counting points that day or following it exactly.  Or I would start counting the points and then I would get a bit psycho about it.  Only to myself, mind you, but I hated feeling that way, so then I would stop.  i would weigh myself every day, multiple times a day and I would allow the results to dictate how I felt about myself.  I decided not to renew my membership, even after I saw both my SILs who are following WW and doing an AWESOME job!  (Go Kelly & Gina!) I have realized that after trying WW 3 or 4 times that it really might not be the plan for me.  

You will also know that I had fallen off the exercise wagon.  I was doing some Wii stuff but nothing regular and I was not utilizing my gym membership.  Last week I started back to the gym and I have been going regularly.  And it feels amazing.  I mean, I am a bit sore but I am so happy to be back.  I was thinking that I was going to be embarrassed that the guys who work there would know that I was MIA for so long.  I am not.  I am not worrying about what other people think of me.  I might have to remind myself of that every once in a while but I am not letting it get to me.  I am concentrating on cardio and my ab exercises (which I learned in PT to help my back) and stretching.  I am hoping to do yoga again soon, but for now I am just incorporating poses into my post-workout stretching.  I need to build up the strength in my wrists before I start really doing anything with weights again, so plank, table, and downward facing dog and cat/dog are perfect for that.

Here is the big thing: I am not getting on the scale.  I slipped last week at one point and I could really tell how it mentally brought me down for a few hours.  Besides that one slip, I have not weighed myself in about a month.  I feel crazy good about myself right now.  I know that I did not lose all the extra pounds in one week at the gym, but I just feel better about myself.  I am a little bit firmer perhaps and my legs always get definition quickly.  The main thing is how my state of mind has been able to remain positive. Even this morning I was feeling so good about myself and like maybe I even lost a few pounds so I thought, "Maybe I will just step on the scale and see."  I resisted because if I stepped on the scale and I had not lost any pounds I risked losing my positive outlook.  Maybe someday I will be able to step on a scale without it affecting how I feel about myself that hour/day/week.  But until then, I have sworn off the scale!

Now I just have to remember all this when the going gets tough and work starts back up September 1st. 

Day 1!

So I did it! Yesterday Vin & I joined the gym up the block and today I went for the first time. I weighed myself this morning and faced my reality. I am really trying to remember that the number on a scale is just that - a number. A piece of information about me. It is not me. It does not dictate who I am or how I am feeling on a particular day. Okay, that last thing is wishful thinking. But sometimes when you think something it is. Wow, would my college philosophy professors have a field day with that one!

Progress notes to follow....

Oh, and why is it that the night you want to get out of the house the baby won't go to bed????

New Year = New Goals

As 2009 drew to a close, I realized that I had accomplished my big goal for the past several years. I finished graduate school! I won't be walking until the May ceremony but I am finished with my classes. I am just awaiting grade and that very expensive piece of paper. I have some new goals for 2010. Most of these are things that had to get put aside as I finished school as a FT working mom of a toddler. Yikes! When I think of all I had to fight through, or maybe work through sounds better, I am even more proud of myself for having done it. I don't think that anyone would ever say that I am not persistent. Or stubborn. Either one. I think that did me well in this case. Without persevering I would have quit a looong time ago. I mean, I wrote papers while nursing Lilly. Literally. I would lay her across my lap and nurse her while I propped the laptop up in a way that I could type. Craziness.

So, my new goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them today.

1. Exercise - Totally went out the window when I started working.
2. Eat healthier/cook more - Also went partly out the window when working and taking 2 night classes. Lots of take-out and quick, not necessarily healthy meals.
3. Organize - I sometimes feel like I am drowning in paper.
4. Pay down debt - Believe it or not I am still paying off credit card debt that was accumulated before the un-wedding and the aftermath. Plus there is added debt that I/we are committed to paying down/off. Being a SAHM for 17 months may not have been the best financial decision, but I don't regret one minute I was home.
5. Go to church more often. - I just have not gone, not made the time and I regret that.

I know that they are the stereotypical resolutions that everyone makes. But in some way that makes me feel better. I am not alone in my need to make positive changes in my life. I had wanted to join the gym before this week so that I was not like all the other new members starting on the 1st. How silly is that! Maybe the momentum of others around me will help propel me forward.

Tangentially, Vinnie will be starting school in January. I will be supporting him as much as I can in this huge, but necessary endeavor. It will be great if some of his almost 9 years of Navy experience would count toward something academically speaking. He will be working full time as he starts and I know how hard it can be. I hope that I can be organized enough to have lunch and dinner packed for him on the nights he has school. He also has class Saturday morning which will take a Herculean effort on his part. He likes to sleep in, as evidenced by the amount of times I have been able to sleep in on a weekend. I know he can do this. I am not sure if he realizes how much a Bachelor's Degree can change his life. He can go in a totally new direction of he wants! How exciting!

Okay, off to make some coffee. I went to sleep a little before 2am and I was up a little after 6am. Good times.

New start

As I have written before, my husband has type 2 Diabetes. He was diagnosed about a year ago and it has been a long journey since then. He finally found an endocrinologist that he likes and trusts. Yesterday we went to the doctor's dietician and got some really great information.

As I have also written before, I have been gaining weight and trying to get motivated to get moving and to change my eating habits. I am getting uncomfortable in my own body, which tells me it is the right time. I used to be pretty active. I was even active a few months ago, but I got off track and it has been hard to get back on. The truth is that I have always struggled with my weight and/or body image. I don't understand why I have been gaining weight so quickly recently. I swear there is something else going on (thyroid?) but when they check they say it is normal. So I will try my best and if things still don't change then I will talk to a doctor again.

So here we go...Vinnie and I will be working as a team to support each other and change our lifestyle. Our Lilly baby deserves two healthy, active parents.

It starts NOW!!!

exercise and such

I am finally fed up with all the weight that I am gaining back. I had lost sooo much weight after I had Lilly. It was like it had melted off. Well, that was short lived. I think that #1 I was gaining back some of the fluid I lost when I hemorrhaged after Lilly's birth and that #2 I had to regain some of the muscle I lost. I lost weight during my pregnancy (12 lbs) and then gained about 5 pounds back at the end of it. Then by my 6 week postpartum visit I was a total of 40 pounds less than my first maternity visit. So by the end of my pregnancy and all last summer I had no butt and skinny arms and legs. Anyone who knows me that I don't naturally have skinny arms or legs and I have a butt. I am just built that way...pretty muscular. So, in my head, I know that some of the weight I gained back was muscle. I have my normal butt, arms and legs back. But when I step on the scale, my heart sinks. #3 is that Lilly is not nursing night and day. She still nurses a lot, but nearly what she did before food. The combination of the 3 factors has lead to me gaining back 20 of those 40 pounds. So, okay, I am still 20 pounds less than I was before I had Lilly. But I still have a lot to loose.

And to be honest, I don't want to diet. I hate dieting and I don't think it really works. I always find ways to cheat but still stay on the plan. I don't want to be a sneaky eater. I want to be an honest eater. So I am trying to make better choices. Not let myself get to the starving point. Drink enough water. Move my body most days of the week.

Today I went for a good-paced walk pushing the jogger (and Lilly) with my friend Caroline in the park. Also, instead of napping during Lilly's morning nap I did the 20-minute Winsor Pilates DVD. My core strength is just completely depleted since pregnancy and a c-section. My belly is actually the only thing that really bothers me.

Off to bathe and nurse Lilly girl!

exercise is good

I have been feeling positively exhausted for the past several days.  I feel like I got on a roll... school stuff, shopping, cooking, etc.  Then I collapse for 2 days.  Today I finally got off my butt and went for a walk with Lilly in the jogger.  Of course one block into the walk it started drizzling.  I kept with it and walked at a brisk pace for a solid 25 minutes.  It started raining just as we walked up the driveway.  I even did some floor exercises for a bit.  It is challenging trying to use an exercise ball when Lilly is pulling it out from under me!  

I really feel so much better when I get out and do some exercise.  I just wish I could get out there more often.  Then maybe I would lose some of this weight!