Vacation by Myself

I just came back from going on vacation by myself. Well, I did a lot of driving by myself, but I stayed with friends. It was glorious and much needed. I drove from New Jersey to North Carolina to spend some time with my college bestie, Michelle. I stopped along the way in Virginia and spent some time catching up with other friends and a cousin. I drank large margaritas, ate delicious food, drank lots of wine, danced, and even sang karaoke for the first time. Note to self: practice that before doing it in public again... haha. I drove with my music blasting, singing along to either my ipod playlists or the satellite radio. Hello, 80s and 90s stations! I really enjoyed my time, but missed Lilly enough to make coming home welcome. Having her 6 year-old self wrapped around me when I got home was the best!

I would have never thought that I could enjoy myself while being away from my daughter for so many days. I always worried about her so much, even if I left for more than a couple hours. But, I knew she was in good hands with her grandmother and then my mom.  She even got to spend the day with my SIL and niece, which was a huge hit.

As moms, we put ourselves last. I have been doing it for so long, and to such extremes with my recent situation, that it took me some time to realize that it is okay. By taking care of myself, I am taking care of my daughter. I needed that time to turn my brain off for awhile. At times I used the solitude during long stretches of beautiful North Carolina and Virginia roads to turn it back on, sort of in the background, just to let myself feel and think and BE, without anyone asking me questions or needing something from me. I was not lonely, even when I was by myself, but more notably, especially not when I was with others. I processed...dreamed...hoped.

I felt more Melanie than I have in a long time.  It was nice to be with her again. She plans on staying for the duration.

Vacay selfie, with btw, no make up.  Not bad for 39!

ahhh....the shore

Today I had a work training in Neptune (which is down the shore for non-NJ savvy friends) and when my co-workers and I went out for pizza I realized that we were literally blocks from the ocean.  "Let's get our stuff to go and eat it on the boardwalk" I said.  Hooray!  We were all excited...the beach in November...awesome!  It was a beautiful day, too, with slightly warmer than usual weather.

A beautiful fall day!

The 3 of us sat on a bench and ate our lunch while watching the ocean.  We were in the middle of discussing how restorative the ocean is.  I mean, on a very primal level the ocean just makes me feel like all will be alright with my world.

And then.  Oh yes...and then.  One seagull flew over us and landed in the sand in front of us.  I say, "Watch out for the seagull.  He'll try to steal our food."  And within what seemed like seconds, there were many seagulls circling over us and pretending to dive bomb.  We started walking to the gazebo a little ways away.  We turn around and the seagulls were following us.  By this time we were laughing so hard that we could barely talk, let alone walk upright.  If I had been able to I would have tried to record them.


We made it to the cover of the gazebo and finished eating our lunch.  As we were all looking out toward the ocean we realized that laughing hard like we did was just as restorative as looking out at the ocean.  And though I would love to be near the ocean every day, on most days, a good, hard laugh with friends is there for the taking.

Finally under cover!

Inner Strength

“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living

Sometimes in our lives we need to have inner strength beyond what we believe possible.  I realized today just how strong I am.  I have an inner strength that will get me through this phase of my life, no matter what happens.  I know it.  I am owning it.

I cannot take credit for this all by myself.  I have a great support system of women helping me keep up that inner strength: the women with whom I work, my friends (my besties!), and the strongest of all, my mom.

My dad and brothers have also been an incredible source of strength for me.  My in-laws have been wonderful.

My First Bachelorette Party!!

I have been really trying to be better about blogging daily but I was at a...wait for it...bachelorette party this weekend!  It was for my future sister-in-law Laurie and I am so happy I could be there for her.  It seemed for awhile that I was just not going to make it.  There were hurdles leading up to the weekend and then even on that day when I was trying to get out of the house.  That is really just the story of my life right now.  I think I can safely assume that most moms of young children have trouble leaving the house for a weekend.

I have to admit that leading up to the weekend I was really worried about it.  I have never really done anything like this and I felt like I was going to be totally out of my comfort zone.  And I was a little bit at times.  In the beginning I felt a little odd that I was not drinking a lot (of alcohol) but I am so beyond drinking to feel like I fit in.  So I just kind of stuck out the uncomfortableness (Is that a word?) and the feeling passed.*  I just really don't drink anymore but I still have fun!  I wasn't dancing a lot, but that was due more to the comfort of my poor feet than anything else.  I promise you, Laurie & Jeremiah that I will be dancing at your wedding!!

We were in Philadelphia, which is a place with which I am not that familiar but was easy enough to navigate and lots of fun.  Vin & I spent a few days there for our little honeymoon so it was nice to remember that while I was there.  I think that if I lived a little closer I would spend more time there.  There are so many interesting historical sites if you are into that kind of thing.  Which I am.  I'm nerdy...can't help myself!

The activities we did were fun and included: wine class/tasting, karaoke & sushi, bar and then back to the hotel for late night pizza shenanigans and passing out.  Today we had brunch at a really cool,  eclectic diner before all heading home.  (Umm, bacon pancakes?, awesome!)  And I must not forget the fun-shaped straws and confetti and flashing rings!

Back to the party...I was really happy to be part of the group for the night.  More importantly, I am just thrilled that Laurie has such a great group of women who she counts as friends and family.  They love her so much!

I cannot WAIT for November 12, 2011!!!

*Just want to clarify that NOBODY made me feel uncomfortable for not drinking a lot.  That was totally just me.  :)

apple picking

I apologize that I did not get to write as much as I wanted this weekend.  It became very busy!  But it was good busy.  Instead of writing a lot, I will leave you with a few pictures from today.

Michael, Lilly & Fiona  

I just love this of Fiona!

It's hard to pick apples while holding onto a flower!

Michael & Lilly, the original bffs

high school can be torture...

...and it doesn't always end when you graduate.  At least it did not for me.  I switched schools before my junior year from a tiny private, ultra-conservative Catholic school to a very large public high school.  I definitely did not feel that I fit in at the Catholic school.  I was much too progressive in my thinking for my teachers (sorry Mr. Weyand), the school's philosophy and probably for the parents of my classmates.  I was always questioning things, which I was always taught by my parents was a path to learning.  In high school I was already 5'11" and not a skinny-minny, ever.  I was probably a size 6 when I was in the 4th grade.  I felt awkward about my body and my own sexuality, which was only exacerbated by the ultra conservative teachings.  Yes, I was taught that I should not tempt boys by wearing pants or jeans.  'Nuff said.

When I finally got up the nerve to leave that school to go to the big public high school (CHS), I was like a lost soul in the beginning.  I was lucky enough to have a few friends from working at the library in town and I knew kids from youth group.  I was also fortunate enough to test into the higher track classes.  I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I am still so glad I was able to be in classes that challenged me, both intellectually and socially.  I made friends with some people quickly enough, but I had come from such a strange, dysfunctional "friend" base at the other high school that I am not sure I knew how to be a good friend.  Now if you are a former classmate of mine from the 1st high school, you might be offended reading this.  But I am not really talking about us, but more the way that the organization and school were shaping us and how things were very unnatural.  For example, 11 girls in our sophomore year class?  Really hard if everyone starts pairing up as friends and one person (me) lives 30 minutes away.  But I digress...

I believe that if I had one more year at CHS the friendships I was in the midst of developing would have become firm friendships, not ones that faded as we went off to college.  I was just coming out of my shell when we graduated.  I wanted one more year - to join some clubs, get involved in some activities, to learn how to be a better friend, to date.

I went off to Montclair State and decided before I stepped foot on campus for my orientation that I was just going to be the me I wanted to be.  I acted as if.  When I told college friends that I was shy in high school they were shocked.  Most people who know me now don't believe it.  I never joined a sorority in college, and maybe I should have at a school like MSU.  Being a suitcase school and a commuter student was challenging in terms making of a lot of friends.  But I made one amazing friend at orientation, Michelle, and she was the person I was visiting in NC a few weeks back!

But how was I still tortured by those high school years?  I am not sure I realized it during college or even shortly thereafter.  It has been more of a slow realization through the years that became very clear with the facebook explosion.  When I first started to get friend requests from high school friends, I was happy to see some names, and frankly, annoyed to see others.  Why did these people, who were not even all that nice to me in school, want to be my "friend?"  Why should I let them into my life?  I did anyway, mostly because I was curious to see what they were up to.  How did life turn out for them?

I have been on facebook for over 3 years now.  I joined when I was home on maternity leave waiting to give birth to Lilly.  I admit that sometimes it's a time suck...drawing me in for no good reason!  But I also had the chance to get to know some of those high school kids all over again.  It took me a long time to put aside my own prejudices and thoughts of who I thought people were.  The short status updates, links posted, and even comments on my status updates and pictures started to give me pause.  I began to see people as regular human beings who have troubles and difficulties of their own.  Nobody is living some charmed, perfect life with the perfect spouse, job and children who don't throw tantrums in the middle of Whole Foods.

That in turn was the AHA! moment of realizing that their high school life was not perfect either.

Blaming others for my experiences of being teased and excluded was poisoning my outlook and memories and keeping me from being open to renewing these friendships.  If you are still reading this long blog post, please know that not all my memories were bad and I did not feel negatively about everyone.  There were probably only a few specific people that left such an impression; it was mostly the general idea of high school that affected me so.  And if you were one of the people toward whom I had some lingering negative feelings, please forgive me for my shallowness.

So why am I writing about this now?  I just felt it was time.  I have been reconnecting with old classmates for awhile now, most via facebook or email.  Some have helped me with job stuff, supporting me in my exercise quest, letting me know I was normal for losing my cool with my toddler. I am happier knowing that I can run into someone and rather than feeling fear of "What will they think of me?" I can just ask them how they are doing and be happy for their successes.

And hey, if you live near me or are just passing through, send me a message and we can meet for coffee or a playdate with the kids!   If you made it this far, thanks for reading friends!

To 5K or not to 5K?

I was visiting a friend recently, who had just celebrated her year anniversary of running her first 5K.  (you can correct me if I'm wrong Steph.)  My sister-in-law Gina started running 5Ks recently, as well.  An old high school friend does triathlons!  My world is full of inspiring women who show me just what is possible.

Stephanie had told me that I should do this 5K in the fall that her brother is organizing.  I immediately thought that I could never do that.  Times, they are a-changing.  If you have been reading along, you know that I decided last week, to stop thinking, and just do.

I have been following a plan, mostly based on the couch to 5K program, of walking and running intervals.  I am not overextending, but also not stopping just because I feel like I am not a runner.  I always believed: that running was something you were good at or not; that people who run feel great the whole time; that people who run are thin.  All of those are not true.  Maybe some people are better runners than others.  Maybe some people are actually bad, but I don't know.  I do know that because I am following a plan and only pushing myself a little more each time I go, I am feeling better about it.

Stephanie put the seed in my head that yes, I could run this 5K, even if that means that I walk/run it.  I had basically put that aside though, even as I started running.  And then.  Yes, here it is...a completely different friend sent me a message when she saw my cardiotrainer run time and distance pop up on facebook.  She said that she knew about this 5K, the same one that Stephanie told me about, and wishes that she could do it. (I won't out you unless you out yourself.  xo)  Huh.  Now I want to run this 5K.  Seriously!  Did I ever think in a million years that I would want to even register for such a thing????  


Thank you friends for getting me thinking that, YES I can!

Friendships

Today's subject is a no-brainer for me right now.  I take advantage of the summertime, when I am on summer break, to catch up with friends - sometimes with our kids, sometimes without.  Before getting married and before kid(s) it was almost as if my friends and I could not go a day without talking or emailing.  Some friends maybe it was a weekly thing, but others, it was seriously daily communication.  Things change when you get married; they change even more when you have a child.  Throughout it all, I know that I always have my friends.  Most of my really good friends, or my besties, have been my friends forever and a day.    There are a couple with whom I still communicate several times a week (thank goodness for facebook and texting!) but with most, it is really difficult to find the time to chat or get together.

Last week I was able to visit my friend Michelle in NC.  Two different nights we spent hours just chatting about life.  It was so great to be able to do that in person.  Yesterday my sister-friend (and her cute as a button infant daughter) came for lunch.  She is my rock.  Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself.  She is the kind of friend who can say it like it is, and vice versa.  But she is also the first to lift me up when I need it.  Or drag me, as the case may be.

Tonight I was able to spend a few hours with my friend Caroline who I have known since we were, I don't know, 6ish?  We don't get to see each other often. We really do not even get to chat very often now because we both have chatty daughters which makes phone conversations more difficult. :0)  There is the obvious catching up on what has happened in the past x amount of months, but really, it is so easy to just get right back into our friend rhythm.  Isn't that the mark of a true friend?  And doesn't it just boost your spirit when you get to spend a couple hours with a friend like that?

Tomorrow I am spending the afternoon with my friend Colleen and her two children.  She lives the closest of all my friends and her children are 11 months older and younger than Lilly, respectively.  The three of them get along beautifully and Colleen and I get to have some chat time in between refereeing and getting snacks for the kids.  Sometimes we recruit the guys to go to the park with us so we can chat more.  But sometimes it is not even the talking that is needed.  Sometimes I just need to be in the presence of a friend who knows all of me, warts and all, and who loves me in spite of them.  And believe me, Colleen and I lived together so she knows it all!

I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life.  Each meets a different friend need and all are vital to my happiness.  Tonight my heart feels lighter and I can breathe deeper!  xoxoxo

NC 2011

Last year Vin, Lilly and I drive to NC to visit my college bestie Michelle.  Michelle moved to NC at some point in college after her parents, gulp, moved there while she was studying abroad in Australia.  Where, by the way, she met her hubbie Jason.  I had visited over the years but have not done the drive since Lilly came along.  Last year we stayed in a hotel 1/2 way both on the way down and back.  This year we were road warriors!  We drove all the way down in 1 day!!  Lilly was an amazing traveller.  She seriously did not give us any trouble going or coming back.  We spent about a week there visiting and getting to know her little miracle baby Porter.  From the looks of him (picture to follow) you would never guess that he was 10 weeks early!  He is an amazing baby and has the sweetest disposition.

We decided to take it easy coming home and stay over in VA.  Well, thank goodness we did because it took us 5.5 hours to drive the 200 or so miles from NC to VA.  yikes!  Vin was so hardcore...doing ALL the driving and not even letting me drive a tiny bit.  I was the Lilly helper....food, drinks, snacks, DVDs, books, crayons and baby dolls.  I will add pictures when I can find my wire to download them to my computer.

Now that I have had my fill of BBQ....swoon...I am getting back on that same old, same old bandwagon.  Eating healthy and daily exercise starts tomorrow!  I know, I know....I say that all the time.  But seriously, I need to just fucking do it.  I am tired of not fitting into my cute summer clothes.  Plus, I have some super cute fall skirts that will look so hot (yet work-appropriate) with my boots!  Must. Lose. Weight.  And I really, really just want to feel better about myself and I know I do when I just get the job done.  It is not that I lose weight and feel better because I start to feel better a lot sooner than any weight loss occurs.  I feel better about myself when I exercise regularly.  And then I make better choices.  And then the weight loss occurs.  Or probably it all happens at the same time, but you get my drift.

I am sure this should have been 2 posts but it's not.  My blog, my prerogative.  Kinda like the random profanities...my blog.  So bite me.  :)

p.s.  I was never into the term "bestie" when used by people over say, 12, but it has grown on me.  I always feel that BFF was limited to 1 person whereas bestie may refer to a few people because really, who has just 1 BFF?

My poor bunny

I think I am in for a long night so I am writing now, hooray, instead of after midnight.  My guess is that Lilly swallowed too much lake water yesterday.  It started with the runs and belly cramps and progressed to vomiting.  Sorry if it is TMI, but this is a mommy blog, after all.  We were out doing errands when the first bout hit but luckily the next was when we were home again.  I am afraid it is not over and that I may be up a bit tonight.  Besides, when we have a sick little one, don't we sleep with one ear and eye open anyway?  Then of course I always worry that she may spike a fever, triggering a seizure.  sigh...Motherhood can be rough!

However, I am so lucky to have a lunch date with one of my best girlfriends tomorrow.  It can be hard to arrange these things when we are moms, but so, so important to our mental and emotional health.

Wish me luck through the night!

Facebook friend no longer IRL friend?

What to do, what to do?  I have a friend, whom I have known for over 10 years, who is a fb friend.  Throughout our friendship she has been a bit, well, flighty.  By that she means she would sometimes forget we had a date planned or she would reschedule at the last minute.  Whenever our lives were in the same place (single or SAHM) we would seem to get together more often and just connect more, in general.  Then when life circumstances changed for one or the other of us we would lose touch.  I would try to get together, make several phone calls to catch up but it seemed as if she was busy with other friends.  In fact, as soon as I started working last year I tried to make a play date arrangement but she was never available.

The thing is, that just when I would think, "That's it, I am just going to forget about her and move on and stop trying," she calls me or invites me to something, etc.  However, I think this time really is it.  I almost feel like I did something to offend her or something but I see her too seldom to do that.

Here is the thing.  Or things.  We have mutual friends.  It is very complicated to explain but, while we used to all see each other at the same time, we don't really anymore.  But still, the relationship is there.  Also, I really liked this person.  Even when she was being flaky.  I liked her personality, her sense of humor, her husband, her realness.  We like a lot of the same things.  I guess I just can't let go.  At this point, we only keep in touch via facebook.  We comment on each other's status updates and pictures sometimes.  I think I am just wondering now if that is enough.  I get kind of sad when I see that she is doing stuff with other people or when I see how fast her kids are growing up.

What do you do when your friendships end, but there is still a little thread hanging on?

Friends

I have two friends going through some very challenging situations right now. One had her baby at slightly over 30 weeks and so he is in the NICU right now.  She is already an amazing mom; pumping milk on a schedule to bring him and spending hours with him.

My other friend is expecting her 2nd baby shortly and is in the midst of a terrible divorce.  And she has a 15 month old.  And her family lives a 6 hour drive away.  She has nobody to talk to, really.  I hope that she knows now, after our hour long conversation tonight, that she can unload on me.  I can take it.

Both these friends are what I consider "lifers" in that we have been friends forever and will be for life.  The intensity of our friendships has changed over the years but the love is there, always.  Both live so far away from me and it has left me wondering how I can be a good friend to them.  I am reaching out as much as I can via phone and email.  I pray for them.  I hope it is enough, for now.