Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

Change is hard. Even when it is good change, it can be so overwhelming. I feel as if my life is filled with uncertainty right now. I am in the middle of a divorce. I am on the brink of a career change. I had not really thought of it in that way, but my day-to-day duties will be very different than what I am currently doing. I also started teaching as an adjunct professor.  It is exciting to take what I know and have learned over the years and teach it to the future teachers of our world.

I am so blessed to have these opportunities and I am having fun with them. But it also causes that pit in my stomach that I cannot quite get rid of right now.  What if I made the wrong choice? What if I fail? I HATE to fail. But...if I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that staying static does not improve situations. I have also learned that life moves forward, with or without you, whether you are involved or not. You might as well choose your path, before it is chosen for you.

So. Here I go...onward and upward into the unknown. I have really awesome friends and family who are supporting me along the way. I have people in my life who see things for me and about me that I have trouble seeing sometimes, and for that I am grateful. It is important for me to surround myself with people who know me; the real, nitty-gritty me. And they believe, not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am. 

Camp is over for the season

Lilly the mermaid

 The last day of camp was a stormy one.  There had been a few rainy days over the 7 weeks, but none as crazy as this one.  There were rivers of mud passing by my cabin.  The annual last day cookout was smack in the middle of the heaviest rain, so the campers ate in their cabins or other rainy day locations.  It was a bit hectic, to say the least!  But in true camp fashion, everyone made the best of it.

My view outside one part of my cabin.

It stopped storming in time for the closing bonfire, which I missed because I was cleaning up my kitchen for the winter.  There is a bittersweetness to the last day of camp.  We were all, counselors and campers alike I think, ready for a break, because it is hard work and tiring.  But then I was thinking of how much fun I had, the people I met, the campers I got to know and how much I learned this summer and it did make me a bit sad that camp is now over.  I am planning on going back next summer, though, so I will have a chance to do it all over again!

See you next summer!

Lilly, too, was sad when she realized that she would not be going to camp this week.  She cried for a few minutes after we got home.  But I think she is physically and mentally ready for the few weeks of a break that we have.  If only she would start sleeping past 6am!  

Last ride home on the bus - Queen Lilly!

I was able to visit Lilly's free swim on the day before camp ended because it was Carnival Day and I had no groups that day.  She was having a great time in the pool and you can see that she puts her head completely under water.  I had hoped she would really be swimming by the end of the 7 weeks, but for a multitude of reasons she was just not ready for that.

She had been completely submerged!

Happy camper!

Terrible Momma Moments

Sometimes I feel like a great Momma, like when Lilly climbs something at the playground for the first time.  And then there are the mornings like this one.  Oh what a terrible morning we had.  It started off okay, with great promise even.  But Lilly decided that she was NOT wearing the outfit which we had picked out last night.  She decided that she had nothing pretty or good to wear, she no longer likes the colors pink and purple (GASP!  Almost everything is purple or has purple on it.)  And nothing I suggested was going to work for her.  She wanted something different but she did not know what.  This child has a dresser full of clothes and nothing to wear.  MAJOR tantrums ensued. On the parts of all parties involved.  There was forcible dressing of a preschooler and then the subsequent undressing by said preschool.  There was yelling; there were threats...Fine, you'll wear PANTS! 

All the while, the clock is ticking and I am getting increasingly agitated by the thought of being late to work. I am crying, she is hysterical and Vinnie is not sure what to do with these two lunatic females screaming about clothes.  Eventually, though a joint effort, we got Lilly dressed and off to school.  Drop-off was a mess with the crying starting all over again.  I called a little while ago and the director said she was still sad and clingy, but not crying.  My poor bunny. 

Was she making me late by refusing to put clothes on?  Yes.  Was she completely out of line in her behavior and words?  Yes.  I told her that I will not buy her new clothes until she learns to wear and appreciate the beautiful clothes she has.  We also talked about the way in which she is allowed to talk to adults.  I will be writing a social story about getting ready for school in the morning.  A child does not have to be on the spectrum to need visual reminders. 

Truthfully, as I have been sitting here processing the whole mess, I know that there are many times that I have a closet full of beautiful clothes and nothing seems to be right.  And that usually there is a different, underlying issue that is really making me upset about having nothing "good" to wear.  I am remembering that she is not even 4 years old, after all, and she is still learning to self-regulate her emotions.  I know that she is actually a great little kid who is generally just amazing at being able to express her emotions. 

I wish I could give her a big hug right this instant.  I long to have those little, still slightly chubby arms wrapped around my neck.

I promise that I will learn from this morning's experience.  I think I already did.

working is, well, work

I generally love my job.  I love it enough that I do not usually wish I was a SAHM instead of a working mom.  (Okay, I sometimes daydream about winning the lottery so that I can be a lady of leisure.  But apparently you have to be in it to win it.)  However, the past several work days have been a little bit more stressful than usual, and it is only going to get better worse. I feel pulled in several, usually opposite, directions and I am trying to get all my work done in a timely manner.

On top of it all, it is only my 2nd year in the position, so there is a learning curve.  I am sure that I will get faster and more efficient in what I need to get done as the years go by but for now, slow and steady seems to be my pace.  I am definitely more confident than I was last year but as new responsibilities have been added, that confidence only takes me so far.

Lest I sound like a whiny bitch...well, maybe I am a little whiny and/or bitchy tonight.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my system so that I can go back tomorrow refreshed and full of energy so I can power through whatever needs to get done.

p.s. Broadway show tunes on Pandora are an awesome way to get through a lot of paperwork!  If only I could banish them from my head now that I am trying to get ready for bed.  "Tonight, tonight..."

And so it begins...

Tomorrow is the start of the 2011-2012 school year.  It marks my 10th year teaching (minus the first year I was a kindergarten wrap teacher with no clue); my 6th year in Hoboken; my 2nd year with the Hoboken BOE as a master teacher.  It also marks the 3rd year that I had to go back to work after some time off and leave Lilly.  Oh, how hard it is!  I don't think it will ever get easier, will it friends?

There are so many positives to working, not the least of which being the paycheck and having health insurance for my family.  I love what I do and hope that this year I can become even better at it since I know what I am doing a little more.  Tonight as I was putting Lilly to bed I asked her if the reason she was giving me such a hard time was because she was sad that I was going back to work tomorrow.  She nodded yes, buried her head into my neck and sobbed as if her little 3 year-old heart was breaking.  Oh, how my heart broke at that moment!  I do not even know how to describe how I feel right now.

I know that I need to work and even if my husband had an amazing job that paid megabucks I think I would want to work.  And I know that I am leaving Lilly in good hands with her Daddy and MumMum.  Hopefully we will get good news this week about Vinnie's job and Lilly will be able to go to daycare, which she loves.  It is just this, right now, sucks.

But fear not fellow Hoboken teachers!  I promise not to bore you too much with Lilly pictures and stories.  I am actually really excited for this school year.  I think it will be a great one!