pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

Yoga

I have written about yoga before, about how it makes me feel better.  I have written about how I sometimes struggle with acceptance of where I am now, in yoga.  My flexibility is not what it used to be.  I need to modify poses a lot.  I cannot stay in them as long as I was once able.  yada yada yada, blah blah blah.  It's all useless chatter, really, those thoughts.

Part of the anxiety I have been feeling lately has caused me to breathe very shallowly, which then constricts blood flow to muscles and joints.  My acupuncturist was explaining this to me and asked me to spend several minutes daily just breathing deeply.  I have been doing that and I can definitely feel the difference in the tenseness of my body...my jaw, my shoulders, etc.

Recently I started doing a yoga journal dvd introduction to ashtanga.  What I love about ashtanga yoga is that it is all about connecting the breath to the movement.  It has really helped me get into a pose and stay there longer.  It's quieting all that chatter going on in my head, because if I am concentrating on breathing deeply I cannot hear the negative voices.

Today I didn't feel great, so I did a restorative yoga video.  The instructor has some good tidbits that I want to share with you, but I am too tired to remember them exactly.  Needless to say, I am feeling better, both physically and emotionally, having made yoga an important part of my day.

Increase my qi?

I had acupuncture today.  I know some people have mixed feelings about it, but I just love it.  It has helped me with asthma, gastro/digestive issues, and stress relief. I am going now for pain relief, namely that damn plantar fasciitis that won't seem to go away.  In both feet.

Today I went for the 2nd time to a different practice/practitioner.  My insurance covers them, so that's a bonus.  I also had the most stressful days today at work.  I can't even tell you why it was more stressful than most days.  I realized afterward that I had an anxiety attack and then the rest of the day I was feeling tense and on the verge of tears.

I went home and changed my clothes and went to acupuncture.  Roye, my practitioner, could tell that my qi was low, especially compared to last week.  As she started to needle me I felt an overwhelming sense of energy surging through me.  And then the emotions, and tears, released.  It felt never ending but was probably only about 5 minutes.   She kept her hands on me and talked me through some deep breathing.  The rest of the acupuncture session proceeded and I walked out with a little less pain and hopefully increased qi.

It occurred to me that I need to really start some kind of something to help me manage stress and just for me.  I keep saying I am going to start meditating and I begin for a few days.  It always fizzles out.  I think it is time again to incorporate meditation into my life. I have been doing a little yoga, but I think I need to do both...regular yoga and meditation.

I am open to hearing from you about your yoga and meditation practice.  Or maybe your acupuncture experience?  How do you handle stress?  Talk to me...what works for you?

Yoga and My Judgmental Mind

I used to practice yoga on a regular basis.  I had a regular teacher with whom I practiced and I followed her to wherever she taught, until she moved to California, that is.  After that I had a difficult time finding a yoga instructor with whom I had such a great connection.  Yoga was just coming back in fashion, so to speak.  There were yoga classes at gyms but I found them to be irritating and not at all satisfying.  I ended up doing my yoga in the comfort of my home with tapes (am I dating myself yet?) and then DVDs.


Fast forward several years, I completely loved prenatal yoga and kind of liked the Mommy & Me yoga.  I did yoga after I had Lilly to help get those poor, post-cesarean abs back into action.  I would do downward facing dog with Lilly laying between my hands.  I could stay in that pose for hours if it meant looking into those deep brown eyes.  Life got a little busy, what with grad school and then back to working full time out of the home.  Yoga was pushed to the side.


When my hands were starting to get really bad about 2 years ago, yoga became nearly impossible because my hands hurt and were numb.  I had pain radiating up to my shoulder and I could not hold myself up in a pose like downward facing dog any longer.  I would sometimes try to do a DVD and work around poses that I could not do, but I felt defeated.  I had the surgeries (bilateral carpal tunnel release) a little over 1 year ago.  I am just now able to put some pressure on those hands in that way.  In the past year I have also had some foot issues.  And, to top it all off, I have gained weight.  


Where am I going with this?  Back to yoga.  Truthfully, I probably could have been doing some yoga in the past 6-8 months, which is when my hand stopped hurting that much.  I have a fabulous yoga studio around the corner from me, literally within walking distance, and I don't make the time or the money to go.  I think I was afraid.  A few times I had started to do a DVD or an on demand yoga workout and I could barely get through the first few minutes, let alone a 40 minute workout.  I wanted to be doing the kind of yoga I did 15 years ago.


I have been chatting with the yoga instructor at camp and I happened to mention my back pain.  (old car accident)  She has gently suggested yoga and I said that I know I should and that I love yoga.  My mom has even suggested I get back to yoga many times.  So tonight I did it.  I asked Vin if I could take over the living room for  a bit so that I could do some yoga.  I found a Gentle Yoga workout on demand.  I was tempted to try another work out....power yoga or strengthening yoga.  But I thought that maybe I needed to start with baby steps.  


Within seconds of starting it, I was judging myself.   I used to be able to do this and more.  I used to be able to do shoulder stands.  You're too fat to do this.  If only I had continued.  If only I had started again sooner.  And then I heard the instructor remind the viewer (me) to release any judgement of where you are from your mind.  Wherever you are is where you are.  It is not how far you are stretching up/down/to the side, but are you aligned?  Are you lengthening your spine?  A few times she asked us to lay there and think about how we feel without judging it.  My mind is a freaking chatterbox when given the opportunity.  I was this close to yelling at myself out loud.   I really had to constantly remind myself that it is okay that I am not doing shoulder stands or hanging out in downward dog for 5 minutes at a stretch.  It is okay that I cannot do what I could do 4 years ago or 6 years ago or 10 years ago.  


It is okay that I am overweight. Why?  Because I should not be judging myself on how much I weigh. Should I be taking better care of myself and my body?  You bet.  And I have been moving in that direction.  Slowly but surely I will get to a place where I am happy AND the weight that I want to be.  But until then, I need to be happy with me.  


When I was able to let go of the negative thoughts and actually FEEL my body, I could feel positive things going on inside.  Things that lead me to believe that I can get to a point of wellness.  When I was gentle with myself, my body responded more to my requests.  When I was not berating myself and when I was open, my body opened.  It was almost as if it remembered, too, what regular yoga could do for it.  But my body remembered in a nice way, not the judgmental way of my mind.  It was telling me, and my muscles and joints, to take it slowly, but surely and most importantly...to do it.  

My hand, revisited

Wow!  I wish I could let you know how wonderful I feel after reading all your comments and messages about your support for me.  It makes me feel even stronger!  

Speaking of feeling stronger, there is one area in which I am still very much weak...my left hand.  My recovery from the first carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand was awesome.  It was relatively fast and easy and, though it still has some weakness and the scar is still a little tight, it is absolutely normal and has been doing better than expected from day 1.  

As easy as the right hand was, the left hand is difficult.  I still have swelling, scar irritation and sensitivity, a lot of weakness and pain.  In short, I still have a lot of work to do.  I really want to be able to clap my hands, hold a pot while I am washing it, pick up stuff heavier than a couple pounds and do yoga.  I did some modified yoga today, just eliminating any pose that involved me putting my hands flat on the ground.  I tried to do plank on my forearms, but my whole elbow and forearm are irritated from doing too much with my hand.  My hand therapist called it Golfer's elbow.  I am really trying not to let it get me down, but it is extraordinarily frustrating to me.  

Lilly asks me every day if my hand is better.  Every day I tell her, almost, and then she kisses it.  That makes it better for sure.