pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

Increase my qi?

I had acupuncture today.  I know some people have mixed feelings about it, but I just love it.  It has helped me with asthma, gastro/digestive issues, and stress relief. I am going now for pain relief, namely that damn plantar fasciitis that won't seem to go away.  In both feet.

Today I went for the 2nd time to a different practice/practitioner.  My insurance covers them, so that's a bonus.  I also had the most stressful days today at work.  I can't even tell you why it was more stressful than most days.  I realized afterward that I had an anxiety attack and then the rest of the day I was feeling tense and on the verge of tears.

I went home and changed my clothes and went to acupuncture.  Roye, my practitioner, could tell that my qi was low, especially compared to last week.  As she started to needle me I felt an overwhelming sense of energy surging through me.  And then the emotions, and tears, released.  It felt never ending but was probably only about 5 minutes.   She kept her hands on me and talked me through some deep breathing.  The rest of the acupuncture session proceeded and I walked out with a little less pain and hopefully increased qi.

It occurred to me that I need to really start some kind of something to help me manage stress and just for me.  I keep saying I am going to start meditating and I begin for a few days.  It always fizzles out.  I think it is time again to incorporate meditation into my life. I have been doing a little yoga, but I think I need to do both...regular yoga and meditation.

I am open to hearing from you about your yoga and meditation practice.  Or maybe your acupuncture experience?  How do you handle stress?  Talk to me...what works for you?

Warning: Philosophy major ahead...

What is happiness, exactly?   How do we know we are happy?   Do people in other countries have happiness as a goal in life?  And what does their happiness look like?  Sometimes I wonder if we think too hard about being happy, attach too much importance to it. I don't mean that we can't be happy or even strive to have happiness in our life, whatever that means.  Nobody wants to be unhappy.  But maybe it should not be a goal in life.

I know that I have said at different times in my life that, "I just want want to be happy."  But let's look at that.  What that really means is that something in my life is not working for me at this point.  It could be a job, a family situation, a relationship, a money situation.   Say I change that situation.  Will I be happy then?  I don't believe so.  We have to be "happy" or at peace within ourselves or nothing else will seem good.  Everything will be problematic if we do not have inner peace.

Very recently I have been made aware of a few situations in which someone died suddenly.  I am reminded to live life and don't hold back.  Love fully and completely.  Have no regrets.  This to me is more meaningful than being happy.  One of my recent decisions is to live my life in spite of the crappy stuff that might be going on.  I am making another goal to strive for inner peace in the midst of life-chaos.

In the past I have started to learn the practice of meditation but failed to make the time for it after the first few weeks.  It is time to make the time.  Can I have inner peace without acceptance?  Can I have acceptance without self-awareness?  Meditation can lead to self-awareness.  Ergo, I need to make the time for meditation.

Plus, studies have shown that meditation can help lower blood pressure and reduce stress.  Win-win?  i think so...

Okay, enough rambling from me for one night.   Do you meditate?  Tell me about it...comment below!


*There are obvious situations like abusive relationships in which inner peace should not be attained just to stay with the abusive person.  I know that and do not include situations such as those in my contemplations.