Getting through a divorce...

So it's been a little while, no? The last time I wrote was January 2015, slightly less than 18 months ago. Holy cow has my life changed since then. I am forewarning you that there is cursing in this blog post. I am writing about some of my experiences that, in my honest opinion, needed some serious *fucks* to get through.

I am writing again because I have some friends who are in the same place I was 2 years ago. Newly separated, trying to wade through the murky waters of divorce, single parenthood, dating again or not, and living with their parents. Some of my friends have children, some do not. Some are living with their parents again, some are not. The common thread connecting all of us in this position is that we feel broken. It is so damn scary.

I don't have all the answers. I have stumbled through this craziness by the grace of God, the love and support of my family and friends, and lots of therapy. Mostly everything I am about to say was told to me by others. I still need it told to me at times. Maybe that is the real reason I am writing this down...so that I can take my own advice sometimes. Whatever the reason, I just had a strong feeling that I should write this in my blog today. I have started and stopped several posts over the past 18 months. This is the only one that has made it this far. Take what you need, leave the rest. All my love...Melanie Rose

What do you do when you feel like you are completely broken?

1. Reach out to someone...call, text, tap on the shoulder. I had (have) drive to work phone call friends, walk into their office at work and tap on their shoulder friends, text in the middle of the night friends, and those who I would call and not say a word because I was crying so hard. You know what I mean. I know you do. And you need all of those kinds of people in your life right now.
2. Cry. Shout. Scream into a pillow. Bite the shit out of that pillow if you need to. Before I actually left, I would cry in the shower or on the bathroom floor because that was the only place I could hide. Holding it in is not good for anyone. I tried to hold my shit together for my daughter, who was 6 years old at the time. But you know what, our lives were changing and parts were really, really shitty. Is pretending that everything is honky dory good for a child? I truly believe that it is a disservice. Emotions are normal. We need to let them know that moms (and dads) are feeling the same things they are. Be aware that you don't put the responsibility of making it better for you on them. I know my daughter takes on that role anyway. She hates to see me sad. But I tell her that it's a normal part of our human experience. None of us escape it. So when I needed to really let it out I made sure I was able to do it where and when she wouldn't be around. I would scream in my car. I would cry in the shower. And in my car. And when I was sleeping in her twin bed with her and could not move for fear of waking her, I would cry into, or bite, my pillow.
3. Hug the heck out of your kids If you have children, hug them. Every second they allow it, let your love for them, and theirs for you wash over you like a wave of healing energy. Your love for your children is a very powerful force. Use it. Also, hugging them gives you the physical touch that you need right now. Let their touch heal you. 
4. Go to your momma, grandma, aunt, best friend, sister, SOMEONE who loves you unconditionally and is not judging you for your decision, crawl into their lap and let them stroke your beautiful head and face and tell you that it is all going to be okay. You need someone in your life who can do this for you. It may not be your mom. Not everyone has a mom, or maybe mom is not on the same page. I was blessed that my mom was right there with me. But, we also know that sometimes moms take on our pain, and maybe we need other people in our lives who can be this person, too. Allow someone else to care for you in this intimate, motherly way. 

Here is the truth that you need to hear. You feel broken because you are broken. My beautiful lovelies, you are so broken. But it is okay. You are breaking open so that your beautiful soul and heart can emerge. You will be stronger than you ever imagined. You will be more YOU than you ever dreamed. You would not be in this place if this did not NEED to happen. You would feel more broken if you chose NOT to take this giant, scary step. Somewhere deep in your hurt, you know that with all of your being, you are being true to yourself by leaving. But it fucking hurts.

About 6 months before I actually left my ex, I was working at a summer camp. I was the cooking instructor and I had a free period and I was doing my prep, with tears streaming down my face. I had decided the day before that I was leaving my husband. I had not told him yet (or for months to come) but I knew in my heart that it was over. A woman I did not know very well was walking by and saw me, stopping to ask if I was okay. I told her that, no, I was really not okay. This woman who I barely knew told me this, "This next year is going to suck. It is not going to be better 1 month from now or 3 months from now. But a year from now, it will be a little bit better. And each day after that it will be a bit better until you realize that you are good. And this process, it takes time. It does not go away by trying to avoid it. So just go through it. You'll survive. You may not feel like you will, but you actually will. And you will be a better person and mom for it."  I don't even remember this woman's name. She had never been through a divorce, but her best friend had and we were all around the same age. I found her bluntness to be comforting and her words true.

Which brings me to my final words for today. Sometimes you will need to take this one day at a time. Sometimes it will be one hour at a time. And sometimes it will be one fucking minute at a time. And you need to swallow your pride and gather your tribe around you. Whoever it is....brothers, sisters, family, friends....gather them in and let them support you. You will make it through this. Let those who love you hold you up.

Thank you for listening my lovelies. I don't know if there someone else out there who needed to read this today, but I felt a strong feeling that I needed to share it. xoxo

The wedding!

I had posted last about the wedding I was going to be in.  Well, a week ago my sister-in-law married her "hunk-of-love," as Lilly calls him.  It was a great day all around.  We had beautiful weather, and Gina & Anthony had done a magnificent job with the planning.  It was a seriously fun wedding!

Without much ado, here are some pictures that I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your seat to see.

on our way!

walking in with her daddy

daddy's girl

the gorgeous bride!

Blue Steel with my other SIL Bri

Thanksgiving thoughts

This year we are spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws in Pennsylvania.  The first few times I spent Thanksgiving (or any major holiday, really) away from my family I struggled.  It is really difficult to be out of your holiday comfort zone, even if that zone is (slightly) dysfunctional and crazy.*  I love spending time with my family, especially now that there are "grands" as my mom calls them.  Watching the cousins play together is so much fun.

I didn't know how particular I had become until I spent a holiday with another family.  If I remember correctly, my inner thoughts went something like this:  Crap.  They actually used mushroom soup in the green bean casserole.  I guess nobody else really uses cream of celery because they think mushrooms are gross.  I don't want to look like a pig.  I will just take one scoop of everything and one ladle of gravy.  I won't drown everything in gravy like I want to.  Wow, this gravy is good.  Um, where are the sweet potatoes?  THEY DON'T EAT SWEET POTATOES???**  See what I mean?  I had gotten super particular!  Probably not an attractive trait.


But as I came to the realization that every holiday would not be spent at my parent's house, I started to appreciate spending holidays with other families sometimes, especially now with my in-laws.  I decided to embrace these times.  Here is what I found:  I enjoy trying the different foods that they prepare for the holidays.   I'll just bring the sweet potatoes if it is not their thing.  My MIL is a good cook and an even better baker. There will be no lack of delicious eats this Thursday.  Another perk is that they eat dinner early on holidays.  I know this is typical of many households, but the complete opposite of how my family operates.  I rather enjoy the early holiday dinner.  It allows more nighttime snacking opportunity.  Read: turkey sammies!  And lastly, I really enjoy spending the time with them.  This Thanksgiving my SIL will be there with her significant other and that makes it extra special.  As with so many other families, we are always doing the holiday dance...who is going where on what day and at what time.  Often we miss each other or only spend limited time with each other.  I'm glad we will all be together this holiday!

This year I am bringing an appy, I think the cheesy sausage balls, sweet potatoes and maybe an apple pie.  mmmm...I better get busy making that crust tomorrow!

*I am in no way saying that my family is dysfunctional or crazy.  At least no more so than the typical family.  No hurt feelings intended...
**These thoughts are in no way meant to hurt anyone's feelings.  I have always been the recipient of good food and gracious hosts.  And my first few holidays away from my family were with a long-ago forgotten ex, not my lovely in-laws!

Happy Wedding Weekend!

My brother Jeremiah married his beautiful bride Laurie this weekend.  Theirs is truly a love story for the ages and there was not a dry eye to be found at several points.  I believe that theirs will be a blessed union and that they will be able to handle whatever life throws at them.  I am so happy that they have each other!

What was really special for me and Vinnie was that Monsignor Emory married us in the same church.  He also baptized Lilly.  :)  He asked me before the Mass if he used a certain story during our wedding and he had.  I actually really liked hearing it again as a reminder of where we were and how we felt that day almost 4 years ago.  

The children were amazingly well-behaved.  I did have to get stern a few times with Lilly, but I was probably being a little tough on her.

Hard to get all 3 kids smiling at the same time!

And then the partying began!  Or to misquote one of my favorite books, the wild rumpus started!

Spending some time with Nanny!  (sleepy Lilly)

Cousins dancing the night away!

This is my Dad's Aunt Doris, who is his mother's older sister. 

Vinnie and my brother Joe.  He's single ladies!

My brother Matt twirling Lilly

Crowded dance floor!

At the end of the night...

Laurie and Jeremiah are off to Florida and Disney for a fun-filled honeymoon.  I love you both and can't wait to see you when you get back!

My First Bachelorette Party!!

I have been really trying to be better about blogging daily but I was at a...wait for it...bachelorette party this weekend!  It was for my future sister-in-law Laurie and I am so happy I could be there for her.  It seemed for awhile that I was just not going to make it.  There were hurdles leading up to the weekend and then even on that day when I was trying to get out of the house.  That is really just the story of my life right now.  I think I can safely assume that most moms of young children have trouble leaving the house for a weekend.

I have to admit that leading up to the weekend I was really worried about it.  I have never really done anything like this and I felt like I was going to be totally out of my comfort zone.  And I was a little bit at times.  In the beginning I felt a little odd that I was not drinking a lot (of alcohol) but I am so beyond drinking to feel like I fit in.  So I just kind of stuck out the uncomfortableness (Is that a word?) and the feeling passed.*  I just really don't drink anymore but I still have fun!  I wasn't dancing a lot, but that was due more to the comfort of my poor feet than anything else.  I promise you, Laurie & Jeremiah that I will be dancing at your wedding!!

We were in Philadelphia, which is a place with which I am not that familiar but was easy enough to navigate and lots of fun.  Vin & I spent a few days there for our little honeymoon so it was nice to remember that while I was there.  I think that if I lived a little closer I would spend more time there.  There are so many interesting historical sites if you are into that kind of thing.  Which I am.  I'm nerdy...can't help myself!

The activities we did were fun and included: wine class/tasting, karaoke & sushi, bar and then back to the hotel for late night pizza shenanigans and passing out.  Today we had brunch at a really cool,  eclectic diner before all heading home.  (Umm, bacon pancakes?, awesome!)  And I must not forget the fun-shaped straws and confetti and flashing rings!

Back to the party...I was really happy to be part of the group for the night.  More importantly, I am just thrilled that Laurie has such a great group of women who she counts as friends and family.  They love her so much!

I cannot WAIT for November 12, 2011!!!

*Just want to clarify that NOBODY made me feel uncomfortable for not drinking a lot.  That was totally just me.  :)

busy weekend!

Wah!  I missed 2 blogging days, and right before I go away for a few days.  Oh well.  I am actually in the midst of running around getting ready for our trip.  I needed a little mental break so here I am.  We has a busy few days with family.  My brother, his wife and their 2 children were down in the area (from Saratoga Springs) so we visited with them on Friday for sprinkler fun in our backyard.  Or as I call it when I check in from facebook, the Cappiello Backyard Resort.  Yesterday was my nephew and Godson's 2nd birthday party at my SIL's dad's house down the shore-ish.  I spent the morning preparing potato salad and crunchy coleslaw (yum!) before we headed down for the party.  The kids had so much fun splashing in and out of the baby pool and playing tee ball.  It was convenient that Connor was in his bathing suit since he ended up covered in icing from his Cars cake.

Connor is just the sweetest little boy.  He is all boy but will pause for a cuddle or a stolen kiss and hug.  I am thrilled that I have the honor of being his Godmother!

My Nanny is moving

Throughout my entire life my Nanny has lived within about 10 miles of me.  I guess really it is the other way around since she has only moved once in my lifetime...from the house in which my mom grew up to her current apartment.  For years we had been saying, "Nanny is getting old."  For the past few years we have been saying, "Nanny is old."  

Last winter and spring were particularly hard for and on her.  She was sick often and it was a harsh winter so she did not get out very often.  As much as I want to see her often and help her with the her daily needs, I cannot.  I feel guilty that I have not been able to help her in the ways in which I want.  I speak to her often and see her at least monthly.  She sees Lilly more often because she goes to see her at my mom's house while I am at work.  

That is all changing next week.  Nanny is moving in with my aunt and uncle in Pennsylvania.  Oddly enough, Nanny was born and raised in PA and moved to NJ as a young woman.  She will be about an hour and 45 minutes away.  I will not be able to see her very often now.  My aunt and uncle want us to feel as if we can visit anytime.  But the truth is, we won't be able to make a monthly trip out there.  And really, I am not sure that is even what I am mourning right now.

The thing is, Nanny is not taking her stuff. She will take her favorite chair and her personal items.  But she is giving away her furniture, dishes, etc.  She will not be taking her ancient microwave on which you dial the amount of time you want.  She is not taking her television that is really a piece of furniture.  I wonder if she will take with her that Nanny-house scent?  It moved with her from her house at "188" to her apartment in Troy Towers.  

People keep saying that she has not died and I know.  However, the kind of relationship I had with her is dying.  She attends all my family's birthday celebrations.  The ones we have on a Wednesday night, not just big ones and she brings the brownies and fruit salad.  I took her with me to see one of my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Lilly.  I learned how to make meatballs by watching her when I would go over for dinner every few weeks.  When I was in college I would drive by her house on my way home and if the downstairs lights were on, I would stop by.  She would heat up a little dinner for me and we would sit and chat late into the night.  After her open heart surgery I stayed with her for awhile when she was allowed to come home.   When I lived the next town over I took her to Mass on Sundays and then she made us breakfast.

I know that I am incredibly lucky to have had that kind of relationship with my Nanny.  My cousins have never lived this close to her and I am the eldest by a mile (or 8 years!) so our relationship is particularly unique.  I wrote above that our relationship is changing next week.  Truthfully, it has been gradually changing for a long time.  Having a family of my own necessarily changed my life and my availability.  


I have realized that as hard as this is for me, it must be a hundred times harder for my mom.  She moved out of her parent's house when she was 17 years old and got married and had me.  But she has lived in the same county, even, as her mom her entire life.  As much as we all know that Nanny will get a lot of great care at my aunt's house (she is a nurse and my uncle is a doctor) it is still a really, really tough transition.  I won't get into the inner workings of my family politics, but you all know that there is always stuff, politics and whatnot, that go on with something as big as this.  My mom was the first of the seven children to move out of the house, but she has lived the closest, mileage wise.  The other six are scattered around the country and have lived a lot of other places between moving out and settling down.  The difference is that they chose to make that move for whatever reason...job, spouse, whim.  I just know that my mom is probably very sad about this move, even if she thinks it is best for her mom.  Because of all this I am really going to try and make a conscious effort to be kind to my mom and remember what she is dealing with right now.  I will try to act with love and not react with anger.  Maybe by handling things this way it will help heal my heart that is a little bit broken right now.

Baby on the Brain?

A friend of mine is going through a miscarriage and she has an amazing outlook on the entire situation.  She has basically said what will be, will be and if another baby is in their future, then it will happen.  Besides sorrow for her and her family, her outlook caused me to question some of my own recent thoughts.

Here is my not-so-secret secret...I really, really want to have another baby, like, now.  If I had been hired on permanently at my last position, getting pregnant now would probably be in the cards.  I would have also considered trying for #2 if I did not get a full time job.  I would get as much consulting work as I could and go from there.  But the fact remains that I did (HOORAY!) get a full time, permanent position for which I am grateful and inordinately pleased.  And that also means that we need to wait before having another baby.

I have always wanted to have a big family....maybe 4 or 5 kids.  As I got older and I was not married I trimmed that number down.  After Lilly was born I finished graduate school as you all know and money was very tight at that time.  In fact, it is just now that we are starting to have some breathing room.  I would like to have a lot more breathing room before we have another baby.  I really do not want to start a job (that is only 10 months to begin with) and need to leave early for maternity leave.  That means we would have to plan it so that I would be due in the summer time when I am off.   I know all about best laid plans, but I suppose a good plan is better than none.  The good thing about waiting, besides having more money and getting my career on track, is that it gives me time to lose some weight.

The other thing is that Lilly is already 2 y.o.   I always thought that I would want my children to be 2-2.5 years apart.  My brother and I are 4 years apart so I know it is not a terrible thing, but I do feel that my brothers, who are all closer in age to each other were closer growing up.  Plus, I am 35.  I know that women have babies even into their 40s, but I don't know, I just don't want to do that.

 Am I just being a complainer?  Well, even if I am, it is my blog...ha ha!  Honestly, I am just processing everything and I think that is normal.  I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that there is a reason for everything.  After all, Lilly was not planned and she is the best detour my life has ever taken!

God is good

I had a great interview on Wednesday. At least I thought it was good! It was light years different than the South Orange/Maplewood one. The women who interviewed me were warm and seemed interested in what I had to say. There were times during the interview that were more like colleagues discussing current issues in education than an interview. I was confident in part to the coaching I received by a virtual friend. I sent my thank you note this morning and am anxiously awaiting a call for a 2nd interview.

We have been in a bad spot, financially. It had gotten to the point that we were borrowing money from family and it still seemed desperate. Well today Vinnie received some back pay that he did not even know he was owed. It was enough to get us out of our bad spot for now and hopefully keep us going until I can get a job/paycheck.

I am breathing deeper today and grateful to God, to family who is always supportive and to friends who show their true colors in times of need.