My time

Hey all!  I know I haven't been writing much.  I have had another writing project going on, that has kind of taken up my time.  It's exciting for me because it is a totally new project, but fits me well.  I wish I could be less vague about it, but the company prefers that I write as "the company" and not let myself be known, yet.

Plus, you know, life.  It gets busy around these months for teachers.

I've been in a fitness/weight loss slump.  But I feel the tides changing.  You know when you just get sick of feeling sick?  That is kind of how I feel right now.  I know that cutting dairy and sugar out/down makes me feel better.  I know that yoga makes me feel better.  I just gotta do it.  I really do, because I am so sick of feeling like this.  I just have to get over that hump.  You know the one I mean.  The one that tells you that you cannot, absolutely not live without candy.  Or doughnuts.  Or mac & cheese.  Or ice cream.  Or whatever it is that makes you feel oh so good when you take those first bites.  But truth?  I don't just take one bite.  Ever.  And another truth?  My tummy really hurts when I eat that shit.  My body starts to get achey.  I get tired and lethargic.  Like, too tired to do yoga or go for a walk, the very things that make me feel better.

Melanie, you are saying, you have told us this before.  Yeah, I know I have.  Such is the journey of life, my friends.  Sometimes we have to make mistakes a few (lots of) times before we get it.  I think this is my time....

The time is now

The time is now for me to live a healthier life.  I know I have written about this before both in recent months  and a couple years ago.  I could get down on myself for not sticking with it the 1st, 2rd, 3rd time but that leads nowhere fast.  I had to be reminded of that recently because I was starting to feel down about how much time I have lost in the weight battle.  This person told me that I will not gain anything positive by beating myself up and in fact might slide backward even more.  

So what happened this time?  I saw pictures of myself, in pajamas no less, at Christmas and was not happy with what I saw.  But more importantly, I don't feel comfortable in my body right now.  I am at my heaviest ever and it does not feel good.  It feels awkward and uncomfortable.    I do not want to get comfortable at this weight.  As I get older, it will only become harder to lose the weight.   Hence, the time is now.  

I had actually decided this a few weeks ago but then Nanny died and I was not able to really make decisions like this.  I put everything on hold for 2 weeks.  This week was my new start.  I woke up to work out before work 2 days and brought healthy food with me for breakfast, lunch and snacks.  I have been cutting out a lot of the extra snacking and caloric drinks that I was having, especially in the afternoons and evenings.  

I can tell that I am really ready to make this change because even after only a few days of cutting out a lot of the junk and sugar I am not only not craving it, but not wanting it when offered to me.  Don't get me wrong, I am still having my one cup of coffee in the morning with half and half and sugar and I have not cut out the extras completely yet.  But it is drastically reduced and I plan to continue cutting down.  It is amazing that not having sugar makes me not want sugar but that eating sugar makes me crave more and more.

I love candy, like gum drop-type candy, and I had a little bit this week.  The bottom line...I just can't even have one.  Same with chocolate.  There were some Hershey kisses at work, just a couple, but since I did not have one, I did not want one.  But if I had eaten one, I would have wanted them all.  It is the same with soda and iced tea.  I was having one with my lunch almost every day.  But when I stopped having them when I was home over Christmas break I did not feel like I needed those drinks anymore.  

I really feel like I am on a good path.  I am feeling good about living healthier.  Already I feel a little less uncomfortable in my body and look forward to feeling better and better about myself.

gym update

On July 14th I had posted about going back to the gym for the first time in ages.  I am happy to report to my fabulous readers that almost 3 weeks later I am still going to the gym!  I even utilized he fitness room when I went to a hotel for a wedding.  I am feeling better about myself and when I go I try to push myself as hard as I can.  I used to feel that it was all or nothing...if I could not go for a full hour or more than I did not go.  And so it was nothing, for a long time.  Now if all I can go for is 30 minutes, I do that.  Yesterday my hubby had a doctor's appointment that would have interfered with my usual time.  I went right after he came home from work, before his appointment, for about 30 minutes.  I did the elliptical and some stretches and came home.  Today I can do a longer workout that includes my strength stuff.  Hooray for me and for hubby for supporting me in this!

My heel has been acting up so I try to limit my treadmill time and use the elliptical instead and avoid lunges for now.  My self diagnosis: plantar fasciitis.  Luckily it is not severe enough for me to head to the podiatrist yet.  I am trying to wear my sneaks as much as possible and ice it after a hard workout.

I have been resolute in my decision not to step on the scale.  In fact I put in the back of the linen closet while organizing this weekend.  I am so, so tempted to see if that number has changed but I am not secure enough yet to feel okay no matter the number.  So, in the closet it stays.  I am focusing, instead, on how my legs and arms are firmer and more toned, my waist is coming back, and hello...I have a collar bone!  I wish I had measured myself before I started because that is always a good indicator of fat loss.

Next on the list is to cut out the sweets in my daily diet.  The fruit is amazingly delicious right now so the  plan is to substitute fruit for sweets whenever I have that craving.  I also need to get back to carrot and celery sticks instead of crackers when I need a crunch.

the scale and whatnot

If you follow my blog (I hope someone says yes!) then you will know that I was attempting to follow Weight Watchers.  I say attempting because I was only really doing it full heartedly for a few weeks.  I would do well for a few weeks and then fall off.  Then I would get back into it but then stop mid-week or something.  There was always a reason why I was not counting points that day or following it exactly.  Or I would start counting the points and then I would get a bit psycho about it.  Only to myself, mind you, but I hated feeling that way, so then I would stop.  i would weigh myself every day, multiple times a day and I would allow the results to dictate how I felt about myself.  I decided not to renew my membership, even after I saw both my SILs who are following WW and doing an AWESOME job!  (Go Kelly & Gina!) I have realized that after trying WW 3 or 4 times that it really might not be the plan for me.  

You will also know that I had fallen off the exercise wagon.  I was doing some Wii stuff but nothing regular and I was not utilizing my gym membership.  Last week I started back to the gym and I have been going regularly.  And it feels amazing.  I mean, I am a bit sore but I am so happy to be back.  I was thinking that I was going to be embarrassed that the guys who work there would know that I was MIA for so long.  I am not.  I am not worrying about what other people think of me.  I might have to remind myself of that every once in a while but I am not letting it get to me.  I am concentrating on cardio and my ab exercises (which I learned in PT to help my back) and stretching.  I am hoping to do yoga again soon, but for now I am just incorporating poses into my post-workout stretching.  I need to build up the strength in my wrists before I start really doing anything with weights again, so plank, table, and downward facing dog and cat/dog are perfect for that.

Here is the big thing: I am not getting on the scale.  I slipped last week at one point and I could really tell how it mentally brought me down for a few hours.  Besides that one slip, I have not weighed myself in about a month.  I feel crazy good about myself right now.  I know that I did not lose all the extra pounds in one week at the gym, but I just feel better about myself.  I am a little bit firmer perhaps and my legs always get definition quickly.  The main thing is how my state of mind has been able to remain positive. Even this morning I was feeling so good about myself and like maybe I even lost a few pounds so I thought, "Maybe I will just step on the scale and see."  I resisted because if I stepped on the scale and I had not lost any pounds I risked losing my positive outlook.  Maybe someday I will be able to step on a scale without it affecting how I feel about myself that hour/day/week.  But until then, I have sworn off the scale!

Now I just have to remember all this when the going gets tough and work starts back up September 1st. 

the gym

I went to the gym tonight for the first time in, I don't know, forever.  It was just one of those things that I did not got for a few days because I was super tired.  Then it was hard with Vin being in school 2 nights a week so the only time I could really go meant that we never saw each other.  Then I had toe nail surgery.  Then I sprained my ankle.  In between Lilly would be sick.  I just stopped going.  Because, you know the feeling, I was embarrassed to go back and I was feeling fatter and more out of shape than ever.  Tonight I left Lilly's room before 9pm, which is a huge feat as of late.  So instead of making up the excuse that it is too late and that I won't have time to do a full workout, I was just going to go.  And I did.  I did the elliptical for 25 minutes and I worked it hard.

A woman who I would often see at the gym was also there.  I noticed that she may have lost a few pounds or toned up a bit.  I was tempted to have a pity party that I too would have lost weight if I had continued going to the gym.  But I stopped it in its tracks and decided to think that I can also lose some weight if I continue to workout regularly.  Hooray for me!  That small change in thinking is a big change for me.  

I was doing some working out on the wii and have increased my activity just by being home for the summer.  However, I strongly feel that I need to go to the gym for that mental break.  I could work out in  my house, but there are other things I could also be doing.  (Cleaning up from dinner, laundry, vacuuming, reading for work, you catch my drift)  At the gym, I plug my ipod in and GO!  It helps clear my mind and my stress and rids my mind of feelings of being overwhelmed.  If only they had babysitting....

Back in the proverbial saddle again

So, (imagine a long, drawn out version) I have not been to the gym in goodness knows how long.  My diet off the wagon big time the last weeks and I was losing motivation to restart it all.  I weighed myself today and I have gained a couple pounds.  boo.  I decided to re-commit myself to my eating plan.  I stayed on track today.  It would be so simple to not count/write down little treats here and there.  Doughnuts call my name all freakin' day long!!!  I would like to know how they even learned my name.  heehee...

I worked out with my Wii Sports active and started a 30-day challenge today.  I also really, really want to get back to the gym.  I miss it.  Hubby wants to see if we can cancel it but I want to see how I can rearrange my schedule so that I can get there.  Oh and I drank tons of water today.  More than my usual, that is.

I just have to stop lying to myself.  I cannot eat candy and sweet treats like some other people can.  I can and will do it this time!  But I will eat some cake on my graduation day!!!!

As an aside, this is the scale I have.  It is kind of annoying me because sometimes when I step on it I have drastically different weights from one minute to the next.  For instance this morning my weight was the series:
1. x (x=weight)
2. x-4
3. x+.4
4. x-6
5. x
6. x
I know I should just let it go, but if I know it is that different I want to make sure I get the closest number possible.  Today I picked the one that made the most sense and also came up the most.  And it is a new scale.  grrr.