Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

Change is hard. Even when it is good change, it can be so overwhelming. I feel as if my life is filled with uncertainty right now. I am in the middle of a divorce. I am on the brink of a career change. I had not really thought of it in that way, but my day-to-day duties will be very different than what I am currently doing. I also started teaching as an adjunct professor.  It is exciting to take what I know and have learned over the years and teach it to the future teachers of our world.

I am so blessed to have these opportunities and I am having fun with them. But it also causes that pit in my stomach that I cannot quite get rid of right now.  What if I made the wrong choice? What if I fail? I HATE to fail. But...if I have learned anything over the last few years, it is that staying static does not improve situations. I have also learned that life moves forward, with or without you, whether you are involved or not. You might as well choose your path, before it is chosen for you.

So. Here I go...onward and upward into the unknown. I have really awesome friends and family who are supporting me along the way. I have people in my life who see things for me and about me that I have trouble seeing sometimes, and for that I am grateful. It is important for me to surround myself with people who know me; the real, nitty-gritty me. And they believe, not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am. 

lessons learned

ahhh....The first day of summer break.  Yesterday was the last day of the 2011-2012 school year.  This past year I have learned so much about myself as a coach, a mother, a wife, a peson.

• I am stronger than I thought I was.
• I will fight for my family when needed.
• I have an amazing network of colleagues who are talented, funny and supportive.
• I don't always know what is going on behind the scenes when I am speaking to a teacher.  I need to find out before making judgements.
• If I listen, they will talk.  In one week 3 different women shared very personal stories with me.  
• I am a good mother.
• I like working.
• They are not exclusive of each other.  You CAN be a good working mother.  

Finally, I learned that I cannot blog as often as I like!  The past 6 weeks I have not written one blog post.  I started writing a post about sleep.  Was that a hint?  I think so.  Maybe I will finish that one, because it is a perpetual theme in my life.  I don't get enough sleep.  I want more.  I need more.  

I am working at an amazing summer day camp starting next Monday.  I spent the past weekend (Thursday-Sunday) at orientation and training.  It was a blast!  I was invigorated by the high-energy of the owners/directors and other camp staff.  I am thrilled that Lilly gets to have this experience because I am working there.  The program I am running is called Passport because it is in essence  "cooking around the world."  I may just be updating my other blog Girls Can Grill with some of the recipes.  Of course I won't be grilling anything really, so there may need to be a name change.  

I plan on returning to the world of blogging here on the Mommy Chronicles, as well.  I miss writing!

Happy Summer!!  

Terrible Momma Moments

Sometimes I feel like a great Momma, like when Lilly climbs something at the playground for the first time.  And then there are the mornings like this one.  Oh what a terrible morning we had.  It started off okay, with great promise even.  But Lilly decided that she was NOT wearing the outfit which we had picked out last night.  She decided that she had nothing pretty or good to wear, she no longer likes the colors pink and purple (GASP!  Almost everything is purple or has purple on it.)  And nothing I suggested was going to work for her.  She wanted something different but she did not know what.  This child has a dresser full of clothes and nothing to wear.  MAJOR tantrums ensued. On the parts of all parties involved.  There was forcible dressing of a preschooler and then the subsequent undressing by said preschool.  There was yelling; there were threats...Fine, you'll wear PANTS! 

All the while, the clock is ticking and I am getting increasingly agitated by the thought of being late to work. I am crying, she is hysterical and Vinnie is not sure what to do with these two lunatic females screaming about clothes.  Eventually, though a joint effort, we got Lilly dressed and off to school.  Drop-off was a mess with the crying starting all over again.  I called a little while ago and the director said she was still sad and clingy, but not crying.  My poor bunny. 

Was she making me late by refusing to put clothes on?  Yes.  Was she completely out of line in her behavior and words?  Yes.  I told her that I will not buy her new clothes until she learns to wear and appreciate the beautiful clothes she has.  We also talked about the way in which she is allowed to talk to adults.  I will be writing a social story about getting ready for school in the morning.  A child does not have to be on the spectrum to need visual reminders. 

Truthfully, as I have been sitting here processing the whole mess, I know that there are many times that I have a closet full of beautiful clothes and nothing seems to be right.  And that usually there is a different, underlying issue that is really making me upset about having nothing "good" to wear.  I am remembering that she is not even 4 years old, after all, and she is still learning to self-regulate her emotions.  I know that she is actually a great little kid who is generally just amazing at being able to express her emotions. 

I wish I could give her a big hug right this instant.  I long to have those little, still slightly chubby arms wrapped around my neck.

I promise that I will learn from this morning's experience.  I think I already did.

working is, well, work

I generally love my job.  I love it enough that I do not usually wish I was a SAHM instead of a working mom.  (Okay, I sometimes daydream about winning the lottery so that I can be a lady of leisure.  But apparently you have to be in it to win it.)  However, the past several work days have been a little bit more stressful than usual, and it is only going to get better worse. I feel pulled in several, usually opposite, directions and I am trying to get all my work done in a timely manner.

On top of it all, it is only my 2nd year in the position, so there is a learning curve.  I am sure that I will get faster and more efficient in what I need to get done as the years go by but for now, slow and steady seems to be my pace.  I am definitely more confident than I was last year but as new responsibilities have been added, that confidence only takes me so far.

Lest I sound like a whiny bitch...well, maybe I am a little whiny and/or bitchy tonight.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my system so that I can go back tomorrow refreshed and full of energy so I can power through whatever needs to get done.

p.s. Broadway show tunes on Pandora are an awesome way to get through a lot of paperwork!  If only I could banish them from my head now that I am trying to get ready for bed.  "Tonight, tonight..."

And so it begins...

Tomorrow is the start of the 2011-2012 school year.  It marks my 10th year teaching (minus the first year I was a kindergarten wrap teacher with no clue); my 6th year in Hoboken; my 2nd year with the Hoboken BOE as a master teacher.  It also marks the 3rd year that I had to go back to work after some time off and leave Lilly.  Oh, how hard it is!  I don't think it will ever get easier, will it friends?

There are so many positives to working, not the least of which being the paycheck and having health insurance for my family.  I love what I do and hope that this year I can become even better at it since I know what I am doing a little more.  Tonight as I was putting Lilly to bed I asked her if the reason she was giving me such a hard time was because she was sad that I was going back to work tomorrow.  She nodded yes, buried her head into my neck and sobbed as if her little 3 year-old heart was breaking.  Oh, how my heart broke at that moment!  I do not even know how to describe how I feel right now.

I know that I need to work and even if my husband had an amazing job that paid megabucks I think I would want to work.  And I know that I am leaving Lilly in good hands with her Daddy and MumMum.  Hopefully we will get good news this week about Vinnie's job and Lilly will be able to go to daycare, which she loves.  It is just this, right now, sucks.

But fear not fellow Hoboken teachers!  I promise not to bore you too much with Lilly pictures and stories.  I am actually really excited for this school year.  I think it will be a great one!

Summer vacation

Summer vacation always inspires in me a long list of "things I must accomplish" that inevitably include deep cleaning the entire house, organizing the basement, completing a craft or learning a new one.  Why oh why do I place such big expectations on myself?

This week I started on Tuesday with playing outside with Lilly all morning, making a yummy lunch and then taking her nap time as me time.  I started to realize that maybe that is all I need to accomplish this summer: spending quality time with Lilly.  I am a working mom 10 months of the year.  I get to be a SAHM for 2 months and I want to cherish that and use it smartly.  Before Lilly that may have meant cleaning and organizing my basement or learning a new craft.  Lilly is 3 years old and I will never get to have moments like these again.  

So my basement may or may not get organized this year.  But I will organize playdates for Lilly and I.  And I may or may not learn a new craft this summer.  But I will fingerpaint and bake and make playdough with Lilly.  I may not re-read all those wonderful classics (another yearly summer promise) but Lilly and I will participate in our library's summer reading program.  And I'll read some great chick lit and beachy reads!  

I hate being sick

I have been sick for a whole week.  On Sunday and Monday it was just kind of starting and I felt under the weather.  Tuesday I felt pretty terrible, but it was a half day at work so I just toughed it out and stayed at my desk as much as possible.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I was in bed or on the couch.  I thought I was getting better on Thursday so I cancelled my doctor appointment.  Friday I felt like hell and my eyes were stuck shut in the morning.  The one eye was completely blood shot and goopy.  Blech.

The doctor said I was infected from the neck up.  I was put on z-pack and eye drops.  I still had my Shutterfly party since I essentially took 3 doses by then of the z-pack and 8 doses of eye drops.  The party ended up being fun, even with only a few of us; but tired me out completely.  I woke up Sunday feeling, you guessed it, terrible.  We made the drive out to the Poconos to pick up Lilly and I started to feel better.

The plan is to go into work tomorrow.  Vin thinks that I should stay home and rest one more day.  I probably won't listen to him because I have a full day tomorrow already.  I can't afford to be sick another  minute!

I had so many plans for this past week.  I got absolutely nothing done.  And in fact, I think my room is in worse condition than it was before.  Boo for being sick.  BUT, I do have to give credit where credit is due.  My hubby let me sleep and rest while he watched Lilly and he went to get me soup and other assorted food items and medicine.

late September already?

This past week was super hectic and all my good intentions to update this blog went right out the window. September has been insanely packed from the get-go, actually and I rather hope that it calms down a bit.

My co-worker who was out for a broken leg is back and we are now really getting underway.  I actually have a schedule for this week and I am excited to throw myself into it all.  I know that I will be very busy in the weeks and months to come and I am pretty happy about that.  Leaving Lilly breaks my heart almost every morning as she clings to my leg and tells me she wants to go to work with me.  I know that she is fine and playing with Vin within minutes of my departure, but the crying just adds to my sadness at being away from her all day.

I really love working and feeling as if I am using my graduate degree for which I worked very hard.  I know that I need to work, regardless of how I feel about it.  I am very fortunate to be home so early in the day, as compared to my friends who take the train into NYC and get home by 7pm.

I just miss her so and I want to be the one to teach her and play with her and....I could go on and on.  Vinnie is doing well with her while I am gone and she goes to her daycare 2 days a week now.  She is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to that, but I knew that was likely.    She has friends in school and she learns so much from them.  She comes home singing new songs and is counting in English and Spanish and recognizing many letters.  She loves to pretend play and it has become more complicated and involved.  She is starting to really recognize simple feelings, both in herself and others.  Lilly is just growing up before my very eyes!

Regarding my exercise and eating habits....it all went out the window, but is about to walk right back in that door.  I want to go to they gym, I was just insanely tired the first few weeks of school, and then did not feel too hot this past week with the blasted allergies.  This week I start again.  Back to the gym and back to healthier eating.  I promise!

Baby on the Brain?

A friend of mine is going through a miscarriage and she has an amazing outlook on the entire situation.  She has basically said what will be, will be and if another baby is in their future, then it will happen.  Besides sorrow for her and her family, her outlook caused me to question some of my own recent thoughts.

Here is my not-so-secret secret...I really, really want to have another baby, like, now.  If I had been hired on permanently at my last position, getting pregnant now would probably be in the cards.  I would have also considered trying for #2 if I did not get a full time job.  I would get as much consulting work as I could and go from there.  But the fact remains that I did (HOORAY!) get a full time, permanent position for which I am grateful and inordinately pleased.  And that also means that we need to wait before having another baby.

I have always wanted to have a big family....maybe 4 or 5 kids.  As I got older and I was not married I trimmed that number down.  After Lilly was born I finished graduate school as you all know and money was very tight at that time.  In fact, it is just now that we are starting to have some breathing room.  I would like to have a lot more breathing room before we have another baby.  I really do not want to start a job (that is only 10 months to begin with) and need to leave early for maternity leave.  That means we would have to plan it so that I would be due in the summer time when I am off.   I know all about best laid plans, but I suppose a good plan is better than none.  The good thing about waiting, besides having more money and getting my career on track, is that it gives me time to lose some weight.

The other thing is that Lilly is already 2 y.o.   I always thought that I would want my children to be 2-2.5 years apart.  My brother and I are 4 years apart so I know it is not a terrible thing, but I do feel that my brothers, who are all closer in age to each other were closer growing up.  Plus, I am 35.  I know that women have babies even into their 40s, but I don't know, I just don't want to do that.

 Am I just being a complainer?  Well, even if I am, it is my blog...ha ha!  Honestly, I am just processing everything and I think that is normal.  I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that there is a reason for everything.  After all, Lilly was not planned and she is the best detour my life has ever taken!

New Day, New Perspective

Just a quick note before I leave for work this morning.  I had a great night of sleep (thank you Lilly!) and was able to wake up refreshed with a new perspective on this whole job situation.  Well, maybe not a brand new perspective, but there are some new thoughts.

I am going to do the best job I can for the remainder of my time there.  My job is to support the teachers, and in that I support the children.  I am going to get the most out of this job - experience wise - as I can in the next 7 weeks.  I am not going to stress over the team dynamics, which are pretty terrible and stress me out many days.  I am going to get great references from my co-workers and my directors for that job that I know is waiting for me.  I am going to be grateful for my experience this year as a working mom because it has changed how I work with parents and has given me more empathy in that area.  I am going to look forward to being a SAHM again for the summer (and perhaps beyond).  I am going to be open to any and all possibilities of being a work-at-home mom, consultant, anything!

And right now I am going to go clean up cat puke before I step in it on my way out the door!

catching up...again

Phew...I have not written in so long because my life has just been, well, hectic, crazy, overwhelming... Need I say more? So here is the long and short of it. I am fully entrenched in work now and it is good. It challenges me and I challenge my colleagues. I challenge them to look a little differently at how they have been doing things. My supervisors have told me that one of the reasons I was hired was because they believed that I could help shake things up. So, I am, slowly but surely.

Lilly has been doing so well in daycare. Really, it has been more than I could ever hope for. Basically the entire month of November she was there full time (not 3 days a week) because my mom was sick. That seemed to have gotten her in the groove. She does not cry during drop off or pick up, but goes right in, waves and blows kisses to Vin and starts to play. I can't really ask for anything more. The only thorn is that it seems as if she has been constantly sick! I am actually home with her today because of a fever/cough. Poor bunny girl.

Vinnie and I have had our struggles as we have adjusted to the changes from me being a SAHM to a working mom. Adding in the last semester of grad school never makes things easier. :) It has not been easy, but I truly believe that our struggles are bringing us closer and helping us grow as a couple and as individuals.

I will be finished with graduate school next Thursday. WHAT??? How can that be? It is not real yet. I am not sure when it will be. Because I am involved in a federal grant with my graduate advisor (very cool thing!) I will still be doing some work for that through the middle of January. But, I am not stressed by that. I have 2 big things due next Thursday and then I will be finished!! Unbelievable. I have had so much support through my grad school experience. I could not have done it without them.

And I now have a chance to support Vinnie as he starts his journey in college. I am so incredibly proud of him as he enters Union County College this January. He is going to do great!

I have 2 goals for myself over the next few months. #1 is to lose the weight I have gained in the past 6 months. Grad school and then starting work has really killed me in that regard. But I am committed to getting healthy again, and healthier than I was before. #2 Is to get started as a Developmental Interventionist in Early Intervention. I will hopefully have updates on that in the next few months...

Lilly is calling for me from her crib so that is my exit cue. I am really hoping to keep up with this blog and develop it more in the next few months. Watch for it!

the working mom dilemma?

I thought that being at work all day would give me the patience with Lilly when I was with her. Meaning, that since I was spending significantly less time with her, I would not lose my patience when she has a tantrum or gets overtired and cranky. This was a great thing I heard happens from other working moms. LIARS!!! Okay, not really, but I am not finding that to be true. I find that the more time I am away from her the less I am able to put up the tantrums and crankiness. Also, in the little time that I have with her each day I am also: getting ready for work in the morning, cooking dinner, packing lunches, doing laundry, trying to keep the house in order, doing homework, and oh, spending time with my precious little one.

I also think that I was more in touch with what is typical behavior when I was a SAHM. Kind of like I was conditioned to expect it.

Another thing that is MUCH harder to handle as a working mom is night-time waking. It was hard enough when I was a SAHM. Now, it is terrible. Even if I can get her back to sleep in bed with me, the rest of my night's sleep is not as good. My average bedtime is midnight, waking at 6ish. If she wakes up at 4, I only get 4 hours of good sleep and then 2 hours of mediocre sleep.

I won't even touch right now the stress between Vin and I. I knew working would make things stressful. That I have heard from friends. The money situation gets better, but not great. And every other stress factor sky rockets. I think it was surprise to him, though. I have a feeling he thought we would be on easy street once I started working. Life is never that simple.

The good news is that Lilly is really loving her daycare now. I am really getting into my position now at work. I (think) I am doing a good job and am hopefully impressing the powers to be so that I can hopefully obtain a permanent position.

I think the bottom line is that there are difficult things to handle whether you are a working mom or a SAHM. Maybe that is why there is often a battle between the two. It is really our own internal battles coming out to play. I could very easily say to a SAHM that her job is so much easier, based on my own experiences and wants and needs. But when I was a SAHM it was not easy. Money was tight to the point of being non-existent. And lets face it, it can be lonely. Thank God for social media like facebook and MOL and Mothers & More.

Anyway, if you have not guessed, I am writing this at 2am because Lilly has been awake for over an hour. After losing my patience, Vin stepped in and I needed to write to release some of this stress. Writing has always been good for my soul. I think my blood pressure has come back down to normal so wish me luck as I try to get some sleep tonight.

starting work tomorrow

I am starting work tomorrow. And I am sick. Crap. I have not felt like this in ages. One time when Lilly was about 2 months old I had a mastitis. I felt this sick then. Before that, it was when I was working the year before I was pregnant. This is terrible. I have been sick since Saturday afternoon. I got my flu and pneumonia shots on Saturday morning and that night I felt like kitty litter. I have never had a reaction to a flu shot, but there is a 1st time for everything. The site of the injections has gotten progressively redder and swollen. At the same time I have been daytime weaning my daughter in preparation for daycare. Saturday night my one breast was insanely full and I felt that maybe I had a mastitis coming on. I nursed her on that side like crazy and it felt better the next morning. But now it is Monday evening and my temp went up AGAIN! Oh, and Lilly was sick last week...cold, elevated temp for 1 day, threw up the next. Lastly, I had oral thrush (from my inhaler) and started antibiotics Saturday. That was the whole reason I went to the doctor. So really, it could be one or all or some crazy combination.

My whole point is that I am starting my new job tomorrow! I need to feel better ASAP. I am taking Motrin round the clock and drinking lot of water. Maybe I need some EmergenC?

Okay, wish my luck for getting everything done this week and my 1st day tomorrow. Lilly will be with my mom Tuesdays & Thursdays and at daycare on M, W, F. So dreading the 1st few drop-offs!

nervous but confident

I have an interview tomorrow at 1pm and I am a little nervous. I was not nervous before but I am now. I feel pretty confident though. I am not sure what position I am interviewing for... they are hiring at least one preschool disabled teacher and at least one preschool inclusion specialist, which is the position I applied for in my cover letter. I have a ton of preschool experience and inclusion experience. To top it off this is what my Masters is geared toward basically.

This job would mean very good things for our family. We will be able to pay off bills, save some money so we can have another baby and buy a house. I am sad thinking about putting Lilly in full time day care but I know that she will be more than okay, she will be great. She is super social and loves to play with other children.

I won't be finished with school until December so the fall semester will be rough, but it will only be temporary.

So please say prayers and cross fingers and do what ever you do that I get this position!

Thanks!

Marley & Me

Last night I finally watched Marley & Me. It was as sad as people said it would be. But it was also uplifting in some ways. I thought that it portrayed married life and parenthood really well. I have had those same arguments with Vinnie. I have wished the same things as a SAHM.

There are times when, even though I want to be home, I also wonder why I chose this. Of course, now as I am looking for jobs for September I am sad that I will not be a SAHM. At this point, I have stayed home with Lilly for over a year and financially I need to work. When I look at my priorities, being able to pay bills has to be up there. Eventually we want to buy a house. We also want to have more children. Hopefully I will be able to stay home with any subsequent children for a little while, at least.

I know that the working mom vs. SAHM debate is an old one. I just never thought I would have it with myself!