pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

My time

Hey all!  I know I haven't been writing much.  I have had another writing project going on, that has kind of taken up my time.  It's exciting for me because it is a totally new project, but fits me well.  I wish I could be less vague about it, but the company prefers that I write as "the company" and not let myself be known, yet.

Plus, you know, life.  It gets busy around these months for teachers.

I've been in a fitness/weight loss slump.  But I feel the tides changing.  You know when you just get sick of feeling sick?  That is kind of how I feel right now.  I know that cutting dairy and sugar out/down makes me feel better.  I know that yoga makes me feel better.  I just gotta do it.  I really do, because I am so sick of feeling like this.  I just have to get over that hump.  You know the one I mean.  The one that tells you that you cannot, absolutely not live without candy.  Or doughnuts.  Or mac & cheese.  Or ice cream.  Or whatever it is that makes you feel oh so good when you take those first bites.  But truth?  I don't just take one bite.  Ever.  And another truth?  My tummy really hurts when I eat that shit.  My body starts to get achey.  I get tired and lethargic.  Like, too tired to do yoga or go for a walk, the very things that make me feel better.

Melanie, you are saying, you have told us this before.  Yeah, I know I have.  Such is the journey of life, my friends.  Sometimes we have to make mistakes a few (lots of) times before we get it.  I think this is my time....

Letting it go

Long hair (after being done at the salon)

I cut my hair last  week.  I had been thinking about it for so long that I was not sure I would have the nerve to do it.  I have been growing my hair long, and then cutting it short, and then growing it long again for my entire life.  It will be long for a couple years, and then short for a couple years.   This time I was really loving it long.  Except when I didn't.

I resorted to the ponytail almost daily.  And no matter what my beautiful co-workers think, this hair just does not get the same kind of body that their stunning Latino hair gets.  But the main thing was the ponytail.  I hate putting it in every day, but it is so darn convenient.  Sweaty? Ponytail.  Late for work?  Ponytail.  Too humid or not humid enough?  Yup...in a ponytail.  Even if I started the day with gorgeous hair, by mid afternoon it was up in a ponytail.

Yet something was keeping me from cutting my hair, and I had a difficult time figuring it out.  To be honest, I am not 100% sure I get it now.  I just became attached to my long hair.  I was feeling that it defined me somehow.  When I saw pictures of myself I thought it made me look prettier or younger.  Or both.  But it was not just that.

Maybe it hid me.  I feel more vulnerable with short hair.  More "out there" or something.  My neck is literally out in the open, exposed.  I get noticed more.  Attention to my physical attributes makes me feel anxious.  I have worked hard at accepting compliments.  Truthfully?  I still don't always believe them.  I always want to attach a qualifier to the end.  Kind of like this: Mel, you look beautiful!  Thank you, even though I still need to lose a lot of weight.  Obviously I don't say those things out loud.  But I think them.  And it sounds really loud in my head.

The realization of how attached I was to my hair coupled with the reason behind it helped propel me to the decision to go under the scissors.  I was even brave enough to go to someone who was in training at my salon.  gulp.  Every step was cleared by a senior stylist, so I was not too nervous.  I am really happy with my hair cut and with what I look like right now.  Every once in a while I get a small flashback thought of my long hair.  Most of the time, I am loving the short cut, even if my neck is out there just a bit more.

Ta-Da!!  The short hair.

Transitions

I've been asked a few times recently about when I was going to write something new.  I wasn't sure.  I am still not sure why I haven't really written since Thanksgiving.  A busy life is one answer, but not the complete truth.  I just was not inspired to write about anything in particular.  Or maybe I had too many topics from which to choose?   My life was in flux.  

My husband started a new job.  This was HUGE.  It has been so great for all of us.  But change, even when it is positive, is tricky.  Responsibilities and expectations have to be adjusted.  Who is doing Lilly drop-off, pick-up?  Who has to stay late, go in early or has an appointment?  Who is doing the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry?  After he was home for 2 1/2 years, this was just one big giant transition.  Again...good problems to have, but mentally, they wiped me out!

I have not even posted about Christmas!  It was a wonderful Christmas and Lilly loved everything about it.  We had fun with Sha-la-la, our Elf on the Shelf.  We have been to tons of birthday parties for Lilly's classmates.  We bought a new car!  

Our elf Sha-la-la visited our gingerbread house.

One thing that haunts me a bit, because I have written about it so many times, is my stalled weight loss.  I am still having issues with the plantar fasciitis which makes walking, my preferred form of exercise, darn near impossible.  I have to walk for my job, so I do that.  But to exercise before or after work is daunting.  If I had an elliptical or bike I think I would be okay, and swimming, as always, would be amazing.  But I do not have those options right now.  

I had decided that I was not going to beat myself up about eating and enjoying cookies or other food over the holidays.  And I didn't.  What good is eating a cookie if I was going to beat myself up after?  And I baked lots of cookies!  I tried all of them.  That would have been a lot of negative feelings.  

A sampling of the cookies and fudge I made for friends and family.

Additionally, I was found to have low thyroid and put on some medication.  I had gained about 10 of the pounds back that I had lost since June.  I had noticed the weight gain at the same time I noticed the other symptoms that sent me to my doctor.  In my head I had really believed that the weight would come off when I started the medicine.  Yeah, that hasn't happened.  Meanwhile, I have been eating so much healthier since the holidays ended.  I was actually so sick of sugar by New Year's Eve that I considered giving it up completely!  I keep waiting to lose the weight again, but it doesn't want to go anywhere right now.

I have blogged about losing weight so much that I was feeling embarrassed about not only not losing more weight but gaining weight.  It weighed on me.  No pun intended.  

Well, I am back.  I am me.  I have been working really hard, personally, to not let my weight and size define me.  I have let it for for too long.  That goes for my writing and blogging, too.  It is part of what I write about, but not the only thing.  Do I want to be healthier?  Yes.  Do I want to set healthy eating examples for Lilly?  Hell yeah!  But I am not going to wait to lose weight before writing and blogging again.  Welcome back to me!!  

Heading in the right direction...DOWN!

It has been more than a month since my last update on my weight loss journey.  I am still using the Lose It app and website, so that is where my updates occur more frequently.

Since mid-June:
I lost 22.8 pounds.
BMI went down 2.9 points which means I went down a class of obesity.

In my last post about this (see last update, above) I spoke about the stages of obesity.  Sadly, the previous link I had used to show this is no longer working.  Even sadder?  The CDC website has no information about the stages of obesity.  I am glad that I have been demoted, so to speak, to a lower stage.  I still have a long way to go.  My weight loss in September has been slower than I would have liked.  Considering I have gained in September, historically speaking, I am grateful for the losses I have seen.  I lost 3.4 pounds this month.  I could have gained; I could have stayed the same.  I lost!  Even with a plantar fasciitis/heel spur flare-up.  (ouch)  Oh, and I have had some very serious life events happening that also would have sent me to the bakery/fridge/you-name-it in the past.

I am changing my eating patterns.  I am changing how I view food.  I am changing my emotional response patterns.  I am showing myself respect and love by doing so.  See?  It all ties together!

Just Lose It!!!

I entered the summer with a expectations that were just a tad unrealistic.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could lose 30 pounds.  Give or take.  Yes, I know, you are all shaking your head right about now.  I am smh at myself.   I just found out that smh = shaking my head.  Had to use it.  :)   The thing is, I had never really voiced those expectations.  I am sure if I had someone would have laughed corrected me.  I was not really saying anything to anyone because, well, I did not want to fail.  I hate failing, maybe more than anything.  How silly of me...I don't want to fail but I set expectations that would have been impossible to meet.  But I had mentioned to a few people that I wanted to take the opportunity of working in a structured, busy environment to start anew on my weight loss journey.

So the results are in...I lost 15 pounds from the beginning of camp.  Yay!!!  I ate healthier than I had been, was working outside and on my feet in the heat for 8 hours a day and walked a good bit.  So now here is where the real work is going to begin for me.  I am home for the next 3 weeks before the school year begins again.  I have lots of time to snack.  I am not sweating on my feet for 8 hours a day.  If I am hungry, there is food in my house, unlike camp where I brought my lunch and any snacks.  Even though I was cooking all day and even tasting small bites many times through the day, I did not eat what I was cooking all that much.

I know I have to move.  That is always a big part of weight loss for me.  I also know that I need to pack and bring my lunch to work.  I found a few lunches that worked for me this summer.  it can be a little boring, but I think that's actually a good thing for weight loss.

The big change I have made since I am home now is that I am diligently tracking all my food and exercise.  I had used this app before but then this summer it was more difficult because we were not allowed to use our cell phones during camp.  Plus I was taking lots of "tastes" but not full servings, so it was challenging.  The app I am using is Lose It.  I find that it is easy to use and I love that I can scan foods.  I have also put in some of my "usuals" in the recipe section so that instead of adding my coffee, cream and sugar separately I can just add my coffee for which I already measured and calculated everything.  Additionally, when I scan in, say 2 chocolate chip cookies, and I see that I just ate 160 calories, I am less inclined to grab a few more.  A cup of grapes for 62 calories versus 2 cookies for 160.  There is a reason why the author of the "Eat This Not That" cookbooks is doing so well.  I just needed to see it for myself.

Along with using the app I am measuring most things again.  Years and years ago I lost a lot of weight by measuring and writing it all down.  That is how I will do it again.  I know it might take me a long time and I might even have setbacks here and there.  That is just being realistic, and I really don't want to trick my mind into thinking I can lose all the weight by Christmas.  It's just not going to happen!

I know beyond a doubt, that this is a journey.  And I also know I have to be patient with myself and have realistic expectations.  And also, like a journey, there are twists and turns, valleys and mountains but I just have to continue along.

One more note... Whenever I am tempted to think that 15 pounds is nothing compared to what I need to lose, I remember what my BFF Michelle told me another time I was on WW.  I think of a 5 lb bag of sugar, even pick one up next time I am in the grocery store.  It's heavy!  That is a lot of weight that is no longer surrounding my organs!

Sleep...Why I don't and why I need to

Everybody knows how important sleep is to our health.  The amount and quality of sleep we get each night radically affects almost every aspect of our health, from our hearts to our weight to our mental health. Sleep deprivation causes a startling amount of car accidents each year.  In fact, the CDC reports that 1 in 20 adults has fallen asleep at the wheel.  I know there were many times when I was working several jobs or working and going to school at night when I was too tired to drive safely.  Yet I did anyway.

I am working on losing weight.  Again. Or maybe still.  However I phrase it, the end result is the same. I have been saying I was going to work on losing weight and I only gave it a little bit of a try.  Couple that with the foot injuries I have been battling and the extra weight has been hanging around like a bad penny.

I decided I need a holistic and more of a project approach to this.  By project I mean I need to be a good planner.  I need to plan what I am going to eat and when and also when I will exercise.  By looking at losing weight in a holistic manner I realized that I do not get nearly enough sleep!

There are many reasons why people don't sleep enough - they are working, doing housework, night owls, drink too much caffeine, and on and on.  I tend to do a lot of little things around the house after Lilly is asleep and then I unwind by fooling around on the computer or watching some television.  What does this mean?  I need to change several little routines so that I can make the bigger change of going to sleep earlier and waking up without being exhausted still.

Since I am working full time at a summer camp for 7 weeks, I think I will be forced to get enough sleep.  I know it will be exhausting! The person who came to speak to us from the camp's insurer even spoke about the dangers of sleep deprivation, as did the camp director.

With all that being said, I think part of it is that I just have to get myself into bed!  Easier said than done for this night owl....

How much sleep do you get per night?  What are some tips for getting a good night's sleep?

NC 2011

Last year Vin, Lilly and I drive to NC to visit my college bestie Michelle.  Michelle moved to NC at some point in college after her parents, gulp, moved there while she was studying abroad in Australia.  Where, by the way, she met her hubbie Jason.  I had visited over the years but have not done the drive since Lilly came along.  Last year we stayed in a hotel 1/2 way both on the way down and back.  This year we were road warriors!  We drove all the way down in 1 day!!  Lilly was an amazing traveller.  She seriously did not give us any trouble going or coming back.  We spent about a week there visiting and getting to know her little miracle baby Porter.  From the looks of him (picture to follow) you would never guess that he was 10 weeks early!  He is an amazing baby and has the sweetest disposition.

We decided to take it easy coming home and stay over in VA.  Well, thank goodness we did because it took us 5.5 hours to drive the 200 or so miles from NC to VA.  yikes!  Vin was so hardcore...doing ALL the driving and not even letting me drive a tiny bit.  I was the Lilly helper....food, drinks, snacks, DVDs, books, crayons and baby dolls.  I will add pictures when I can find my wire to download them to my computer.

Now that I have had my fill of BBQ....swoon...I am getting back on that same old, same old bandwagon.  Eating healthy and daily exercise starts tomorrow!  I know, I know....I say that all the time.  But seriously, I need to just fucking do it.  I am tired of not fitting into my cute summer clothes.  Plus, I have some super cute fall skirts that will look so hot (yet work-appropriate) with my boots!  Must. Lose. Weight.  And I really, really just want to feel better about myself and I know I do when I just get the job done.  It is not that I lose weight and feel better because I start to feel better a lot sooner than any weight loss occurs.  I feel better about myself when I exercise regularly.  And then I make better choices.  And then the weight loss occurs.  Or probably it all happens at the same time, but you get my drift.

I am sure this should have been 2 posts but it's not.  My blog, my prerogative.  Kinda like the random profanities...my blog.  So bite me.  :)

p.s.  I was never into the term "bestie" when used by people over say, 12, but it has grown on me.  I always feel that BFF was limited to 1 person whereas bestie may refer to a few people because really, who has just 1 BFF?

So, is this it?

Is this my actual bottom where I decide to lose weight once and for all?  I sure hope so because I do not feel like buying more clothes.  I have all the excuses in the world for having gained weight, many of them valid.  However, I need to stop the excuses to myself and be real.  I had given up the scale because I was being obsessive about it.  But then yesterday Lilly asked to weigh herself at my MIL's house.  Then she asked me to weigh myself.  I was not shocked, but duly alarmed at the number on that scale.  So I weighed myself on my own scale this morning.  The number, while not as scary as yesterday's, was higher than I would care to admit.

The time is here.  I am making a decision to eat better with less snacks and bringing my own lunch.  AND I MUST GET TO THE GYM!!!!  Seriously, it drives me nuts that I am not going, but every week there has been something.  As soon as I am feeling out of the woods from this crazy viral thing I have, back to the gym I go. If I have to go from work and pack my clothes in the car in the morning, then so be it.

You heard it hear first.

gym update

On July 14th I had posted about going back to the gym for the first time in ages.  I am happy to report to my fabulous readers that almost 3 weeks later I am still going to the gym!  I even utilized he fitness room when I went to a hotel for a wedding.  I am feeling better about myself and when I go I try to push myself as hard as I can.  I used to feel that it was all or nothing...if I could not go for a full hour or more than I did not go.  And so it was nothing, for a long time.  Now if all I can go for is 30 minutes, I do that.  Yesterday my hubby had a doctor's appointment that would have interfered with my usual time.  I went right after he came home from work, before his appointment, for about 30 minutes.  I did the elliptical and some stretches and came home.  Today I can do a longer workout that includes my strength stuff.  Hooray for me and for hubby for supporting me in this!

My heel has been acting up so I try to limit my treadmill time and use the elliptical instead and avoid lunges for now.  My self diagnosis: plantar fasciitis.  Luckily it is not severe enough for me to head to the podiatrist yet.  I am trying to wear my sneaks as much as possible and ice it after a hard workout.

I have been resolute in my decision not to step on the scale.  In fact I put in the back of the linen closet while organizing this weekend.  I am so, so tempted to see if that number has changed but I am not secure enough yet to feel okay no matter the number.  So, in the closet it stays.  I am focusing, instead, on how my legs and arms are firmer and more toned, my waist is coming back, and hello...I have a collar bone!  I wish I had measured myself before I started because that is always a good indicator of fat loss.

Next on the list is to cut out the sweets in my daily diet.  The fruit is amazingly delicious right now so the  plan is to substitute fruit for sweets whenever I have that craving.  I also need to get back to carrot and celery sticks instead of crackers when I need a crunch.

the scale and whatnot

If you follow my blog (I hope someone says yes!) then you will know that I was attempting to follow Weight Watchers.  I say attempting because I was only really doing it full heartedly for a few weeks.  I would do well for a few weeks and then fall off.  Then I would get back into it but then stop mid-week or something.  There was always a reason why I was not counting points that day or following it exactly.  Or I would start counting the points and then I would get a bit psycho about it.  Only to myself, mind you, but I hated feeling that way, so then I would stop.  i would weigh myself every day, multiple times a day and I would allow the results to dictate how I felt about myself.  I decided not to renew my membership, even after I saw both my SILs who are following WW and doing an AWESOME job!  (Go Kelly & Gina!) I have realized that after trying WW 3 or 4 times that it really might not be the plan for me.  

You will also know that I had fallen off the exercise wagon.  I was doing some Wii stuff but nothing regular and I was not utilizing my gym membership.  Last week I started back to the gym and I have been going regularly.  And it feels amazing.  I mean, I am a bit sore but I am so happy to be back.  I was thinking that I was going to be embarrassed that the guys who work there would know that I was MIA for so long.  I am not.  I am not worrying about what other people think of me.  I might have to remind myself of that every once in a while but I am not letting it get to me.  I am concentrating on cardio and my ab exercises (which I learned in PT to help my back) and stretching.  I am hoping to do yoga again soon, but for now I am just incorporating poses into my post-workout stretching.  I need to build up the strength in my wrists before I start really doing anything with weights again, so plank, table, and downward facing dog and cat/dog are perfect for that.

Here is the big thing: I am not getting on the scale.  I slipped last week at one point and I could really tell how it mentally brought me down for a few hours.  Besides that one slip, I have not weighed myself in about a month.  I feel crazy good about myself right now.  I know that I did not lose all the extra pounds in one week at the gym, but I just feel better about myself.  I am a little bit firmer perhaps and my legs always get definition quickly.  The main thing is how my state of mind has been able to remain positive. Even this morning I was feeling so good about myself and like maybe I even lost a few pounds so I thought, "Maybe I will just step on the scale and see."  I resisted because if I stepped on the scale and I had not lost any pounds I risked losing my positive outlook.  Maybe someday I will be able to step on a scale without it affecting how I feel about myself that hour/day/week.  But until then, I have sworn off the scale!

Now I just have to remember all this when the going gets tough and work starts back up September 1st. 

Back in the proverbial saddle again

So, (imagine a long, drawn out version) I have not been to the gym in goodness knows how long.  My diet off the wagon big time the last weeks and I was losing motivation to restart it all.  I weighed myself today and I have gained a couple pounds.  boo.  I decided to re-commit myself to my eating plan.  I stayed on track today.  It would be so simple to not count/write down little treats here and there.  Doughnuts call my name all freakin' day long!!!  I would like to know how they even learned my name.  heehee...

I worked out with my Wii Sports active and started a 30-day challenge today.  I also really, really want to get back to the gym.  I miss it.  Hubby wants to see if we can cancel it but I want to see how I can rearrange my schedule so that I can get there.  Oh and I drank tons of water today.  More than my usual, that is.

I just have to stop lying to myself.  I cannot eat candy and sweet treats like some other people can.  I can and will do it this time!  But I will eat some cake on my graduation day!!!!

As an aside, this is the scale I have.  It is kind of annoying me because sometimes when I step on it I have drastically different weights from one minute to the next.  For instance this morning my weight was the series:
1. x (x=weight)
2. x-4
3. x+.4
4. x-6
5. x
6. x
I know I should just let it go, but if I know it is that different I want to make sure I get the closest number possible.  Today I picked the one that made the most sense and also came up the most.  And it is a new scale.  grrr.

WW update

I have not really given a WW update lately.  I gained at Easter.  Getting my period the day before did not help with all the bloating.  The good news was that even with a gain I kept within the 5 lb weight loss I had from the week before.  The following week I lost about a pound and then finally this week I lost the remainder that I had gained.  So I am down 7.1 lbs. total in 3 weeks.  Not bad considering I had a 2 lb. gain the one week.

I still have not been back to the gym.  I am kind of bummed about that.  But in truth, I have had a lot going on.  Lilly's bedtime routine has been a little longer than before.  On top of that she has been having night terrors for about a month.  And lastly I had my ingrown toenail on my big toe taken care of last Friday.  I had the other foot (3 nails!) done over a year ago and the recovery was so hard that I put off having the other side done.  So at least it is done and hopefully I will be able to work out this weekend.  I think I will at least be able to do my weight workout, if not treadmill/elliptical.

Lastly, I am so excited to have a few other people on this journey with me.  Granted I have not told to many people.  I hate feeling like I am being subjected to the food police.  You know what I mean, I know you do!  So within my family and workplace, unless they read my blog, they do not know.  I have said that I am "watching" but have not been specific about using WW.  But my sister-in-law Gina and her boyfriend Anthony and a few other friends are all doing WW right now.  It is so great to be able to exchange recipes and encourage each other through the week.  Go us!

In fact, if anyone has any tips/recipes/etc feel free to post them in the comment section.  xo

Wordy Wednesday

So many people have Wordless Wednesday blogs that I decided to be a little different.  Plus Vinnie has class tonight so it is a good night for me to sit down and do some blogging.  Of course I am now sitting here blogging instead of cleaning...mopping, laundry, dishes, organizing, putting things away, working on my resume, etc.

Right...so just as I finished that last sentence Lilly woke up screaming in the middle of what (I believe) is a night terror.  And in the middle of comforting her Vinnie came home from school.  yada yada yada...we ate dinner and I had no me-time.  Not to mention the fact that my Wordy Wednesday post will be posted on Thursday.  Shh...don't tell!

I have been having a really hard time getting back to WW in a solid way.  I have been doing okay but not great.  I miss the gym and I miss yoga.  I miss being prepared so that I can make healthy eating choices without a lot of thought/effort.  I keep trying to focus on the big picture.  It is not such a big deal, in the long run, that I have had one day/week/etc when I was off-track.  I may not lose weight this week, or next for that matter.  But eating healthy, exercising, finding time for me and relaxation are all part of the bigger picture of a healthier, calmer, happier me.  So tomorrow I start again.  And maybe if I get enough sleep tonight (fingers crossed) I will have enough energy to go to the gym.

And just maybe I will mop my kitchen floor this week!

Not only off the band wagon...

...but run over by it! Seriously, being at home this week has sucked in terms of eating. Couple that with being totally PMSy and an eating machine is born. And not healthy things like carrots and apples. I can start again tomorrow, right? Right? I know I could start right now, but I am not planning on eating anything else tonight as it is after 10pm. I have an 8:30am appointment with the endocrinologist tomorrow so maybe I will have something to post tomorrow. Or maybe not, who knows!?

On a totally different note, I feel like a bad mom today. It was just one of those days when I was feeling PMSy (see above) and Lilly was being a typical toddler who does not usually get to see Mommy all day. She had tantrums about e.v.e.r.y. thing and I was not the most patient mommy today. I was crying about it later and she said, "Mommy sad?" I told her that yes, I was sad because sometimes mommies get sad too, but I was okay. I smiled at her and she gave me a kiss. That only made me feel even worse. I am resolved to be a better mom tomorrow. Today (and yesterday to be honest) were just bad days. I know I am a good mom. I do. I just get down on myself sometimes.

week 2

So week 1 was tough. I was pretty hungry a lot of the time. But what that made me realize was how much I was eating before. The truth is that I used to know how to eat well and how much of something to eat. The truth is that I have not been eating that way for a long time. I could come up with reasons why that happened but that would just be excusing myself. So I need to be hungry for a little bit. It is not the end of the world. The question is what am I going to do when I am hungry? More on that at another time.

So I go to weigh myself Sunday morning and the scale does its zeroing out thing, and then....lo. I need a new battery. Are you serious? I had weighed myself Saturday morning, just to see, so I had an idea. If I go by that weight, which I guess I need to, I lost 2.2 lbs. So not crazy weight but enough to keep me going.

Of course tonight I had a calzone for dinner. What was I thinking? I was not feeling well, belly-wise since yesterday and did not eat much last night or today and when I thought of what I wanted, a calzone was it. So I ate it. It was delicious but sat in my belly like a lead balloon. I am really trying to look at all this as a learning experience. I think it is even a milestone to have the thought of. "I don't want to feel like this." That means that I am not overeating the majority of my meals.

I also learned today that when I have had a bad night, like last night, I am more likely to eat whatever and make poor decisions. Granted, I was queasy still, but I did not eat for a long time today. Then when I did eat I was really hungry.

So tomorrow I start fresh. On a positive note, I bought new shoes and they fit! Anyone who really knows me knows how impossible it is for me to buy cute shoes that fit well. Pictures to come later!

WW update

This week was kind of one to start weight watchers. But I guess that is good in a way. Vin and I had a lot of things going on which prevented me from getting to the gym at all. Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day which is a major celebration in my house. Soda bread with butter, guiness and cupcakes were consumed. THe good thing is that I did track it all. I had to use my flex points every day this week, but I still have some left for Friday and Saturday. I was really hoping I would not use them all or at least have more left to spend on Saturday. But you know what, I am not going to beat myself up about it. I have definitely cut down on my food intake by a lot. I am hungry a lot, which tells me that I was snacking (on candy) way too much. I am writing every morsel that goes into my mouth down in my log and making myself accountable for the points. I am paying more attention to serving size. Bottom line is that I am more conscious of what food/liquid is going into my mouth.

Saturday is a free night for Vin and I because Lilly is going to her grandma's in PA for an overnight. If I decide to have a drink or two and I am out of flex points, so be it. It is not every week that we get a free Saturday night and I think the 1st few weeks are about figuring out how much I was eating compared to how much I should be eating.

Today I had one of the yummiest lunches ever. I had some Boar's Head turkey at home, but nothing to eat with it so I threw a few slices into a baggie and brought it with me to work. I got the Subway veggie delight with O&V and lots of veggies and added my turkey. It was SO delicious and yummy and really fillling.

Off to sleep. I am hoping Lilly sleeps all night in her bed. Or at least until 6am.

weight watchers here I am

So I did it. I joined weight watchers. Again. The last time I did WW was several years ago. Really, many years ago. This time I am doing it online. It seems to be the best fit for me right now. After reading my sister-in-law's blog I was inspired by her. So here I am. I am excited that it seems a little more flexible then it was when I last did it. Of course I am still STARVING!!! I am realizing how much I used to eat, especially candy. :(

Today was a pretty good day. It is only my 2nd real day on so I am really feeling the cravings badly. But I only had 2 slices of pizza instead of 3 and a big salad with it. Little victories, that is what it is about for me right now.

Day 1!

So I did it! Yesterday Vin & I joined the gym up the block and today I went for the first time. I weighed myself this morning and faced my reality. I am really trying to remember that the number on a scale is just that - a number. A piece of information about me. It is not me. It does not dictate who I am or how I am feeling on a particular day. Okay, that last thing is wishful thinking. But sometimes when you think something it is. Wow, would my college philosophy professors have a field day with that one!

Progress notes to follow....

Oh, and why is it that the night you want to get out of the house the baby won't go to bed????

New Year = New Goals

As 2009 drew to a close, I realized that I had accomplished my big goal for the past several years. I finished graduate school! I won't be walking until the May ceremony but I am finished with my classes. I am just awaiting grade and that very expensive piece of paper. I have some new goals for 2010. Most of these are things that had to get put aside as I finished school as a FT working mom of a toddler. Yikes! When I think of all I had to fight through, or maybe work through sounds better, I am even more proud of myself for having done it. I don't think that anyone would ever say that I am not persistent. Or stubborn. Either one. I think that did me well in this case. Without persevering I would have quit a looong time ago. I mean, I wrote papers while nursing Lilly. Literally. I would lay her across my lap and nurse her while I propped the laptop up in a way that I could type. Craziness.

So, my new goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them today.

1. Exercise - Totally went out the window when I started working.
2. Eat healthier/cook more - Also went partly out the window when working and taking 2 night classes. Lots of take-out and quick, not necessarily healthy meals.
3. Organize - I sometimes feel like I am drowning in paper.
4. Pay down debt - Believe it or not I am still paying off credit card debt that was accumulated before the un-wedding and the aftermath. Plus there is added debt that I/we are committed to paying down/off. Being a SAHM for 17 months may not have been the best financial decision, but I don't regret one minute I was home.
5. Go to church more often. - I just have not gone, not made the time and I regret that.

I know that they are the stereotypical resolutions that everyone makes. But in some way that makes me feel better. I am not alone in my need to make positive changes in my life. I had wanted to join the gym before this week so that I was not like all the other new members starting on the 1st. How silly is that! Maybe the momentum of others around me will help propel me forward.

Tangentially, Vinnie will be starting school in January. I will be supporting him as much as I can in this huge, but necessary endeavor. It will be great if some of his almost 9 years of Navy experience would count toward something academically speaking. He will be working full time as he starts and I know how hard it can be. I hope that I can be organized enough to have lunch and dinner packed for him on the nights he has school. He also has class Saturday morning which will take a Herculean effort on his part. He likes to sleep in, as evidenced by the amount of times I have been able to sleep in on a weekend. I know he can do this. I am not sure if he realizes how much a Bachelor's Degree can change his life. He can go in a totally new direction of he wants! How exciting!

Okay, off to make some coffee. I went to sleep a little before 2am and I was up a little after 6am. Good times.