Happy 4th Birthday Lilly!

Oh my, how time flies!  I cannot believe that it is the eve of my baby girl's 4th birthday.  We have been celebrating with her since Friday and that in itself is so much fun!  She is just so excited by LIFE that it makes my life more exciting, adds worth to my life.

I told Lilly an abbreviated and age-appropriate version of her birth story today.  I am kind of  happy that I can tell this curious girl that yes, the doctor did take her from my tummy!  She loved hearing it.   I had started telling her in order to distract her from being upset and it calmed her and made her smile and snuggle in to me.  I always loved hearing the story of how my parents had to rush to the hospital and I was born 4 minutes later.  Wait...you're not surprised that I would rush onto the scene like that were you??  Seriously though, I hope that Lilly loves to hear her story as much as I love hearing mine.

Stop & Stare was playing when Lilly was being delivered.

I think our birth stories are an integral part of who we are.  Even as she was growing in my womb I was beginning to know her and who she is.  She was always twirling around in there, as evidenced by the, ahem, 4 time nuchal cord!  And now...a skirt has to be twirly in order to make it into her wardrobe rotation.  The way she would dig her toes into my rib cage, thankyouverymuch, is what she did as she would lay next to me nursing in the wee hours of the morning.  Sometimes when she climbs into bed with me for an early morning snuggle she still digs her toes into my legs.

Besides the physical aspects, I think Lilly's personality was becoming apparent in the womb.  She always responded to the OM when I would practice prenatal yoga.  From a very young age I taught Lilly to take big breaths when she is upset.  She has even reminded me, "Momma, you need to take deep breaths."  I can hear her taking them on her own now, without a reminder.  Lilly can be extremely stubborn.  That became evident when she would always put her hands over her face during the 3D ultrasounds.  She just would not reveal herself!

And yet her sweetness and her sense of justice can be overwhelming to me at times.  She has such a beautiful soul.  People stop me everywhere we go and have, since she was an infant, to tell me how beautiful she is.  I think her soul just shines through her entire being.  My life without her would be dark indeed.

It's (not) my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Sometimes I have a lot on my mind about which I would love to blog.  But then I remember that I can be an over-sharer.  (ahem, last Friday evening....sorry girls.)  I also remember that people actually read this sometimes, for which I am grateful, but makes writing everything that pops into my head a bad idea.

Here is a subject that I tossed around in my head for a bit, wondering if I should write about it or not.  By default (too many other taboo topics) it won.  Hooray!  Let's talk about birthday parties.  I love a good birthday party.  Growing up we had great birthday parties.  Epic even.  They were at home, the food and cake was homemade and we gave out goody bags containing hard tootsie rolls and impossible to do plastic maze things in which the tiny metal ball could not get into the only partially punched out hole.  And by we, I mean my generation, not necessarily my family, though we had some great ones.

We are in a season of birthdays right now and I have never felt more inferior than I have about these darn parties.  Seriously, they are beautiful and fun and I wish I could throw one for Lilly.  She was in heaven at the last one at Parteaz.  They make me a little sad and a little upset that I cannot do something similar.

Or am I?  I have had 3 birthday parties for Lilly, all at home, but all much bigger than originally conceptualized. Truthfully, we cannot afford an expensive birthday party this year.  Also, throwing birthday parties at my house make me super stressed out.  I spend more money than planned, boss everyone around and I sweat like crazy.  Not an attractive look, let me tell you.  And, for instance, if I threw a tea party at this place, I would still have to host a family birthday party.

And in case you did not know, Lilly's birthday is May 7th, mine is May 9th and Mother's Day generally falls somewhere around there too.  Yeah, crazy.  In fact for the first two years/birthday parties, they were held on my birthday and then Mother's Day was the next day.  At first I didn't really mind, who needs birthdays anyway.  But the older I get the more I think I should celebrate my birthday.  I am going to be 37 dammit! Get me a freaking buttercream cake!  Or any other cake from Natale's Bakery.

Here is my plan for this year:  See the in-laws in PA at their house to celebrate Lilly's birthday and Mother's Day at some point on some weekend.  (After my father-in-law's recent illness, I think it is easiest for him.)  See my family, most of who live much closer, on another day and have pizza and cake.  Bring cupcakes and maybe goodie bags to school - always fun times.  And the weekend before her birthday we are going to spend some time with her 2 BFFs who happen to be brother and sister.  We will do a playdate thing together, dads included, and have a great time.  Less money, less stress, but more good times.  We have many years of birthdays ahead of us when I will be able to spend lots of money that I will then have. And we will thoroughly enjoy the beautiful parties to which we are invited! But oh, what a beautiful fairy princess my Lilly makes...

Lilly and the birthday princess

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busy weekend!

Wah!  I missed 2 blogging days, and right before I go away for a few days.  Oh well.  I am actually in the midst of running around getting ready for our trip.  I needed a little mental break so here I am.  We has a busy few days with family.  My brother, his wife and their 2 children were down in the area (from Saratoga Springs) so we visited with them on Friday for sprinkler fun in our backyard.  Or as I call it when I check in from facebook, the Cappiello Backyard Resort.  Yesterday was my nephew and Godson's 2nd birthday party at my SIL's dad's house down the shore-ish.  I spent the morning preparing potato salad and crunchy coleslaw (yum!) before we headed down for the party.  The kids had so much fun splashing in and out of the baby pool and playing tee ball.  It was convenient that Connor was in his bathing suit since he ended up covered in icing from his Cars cake.

Connor is just the sweetest little boy.  He is all boy but will pause for a cuddle or a stolen kiss and hug.  I am thrilled that I have the honor of being his Godmother!

Colliding emotions

Singing Happy Birthday to Lilly with my hubby

Pops throws Lilly "Up, Pop, Up"

Traditionally, May is an extremely busy month for me.  Vinnie's birthday starts off the festivities on April 26th.  Lilly comes next on May 7th followed by my birthday on May 9th.  This year my birthday happened to be on Mother's Day.  Lilly's birthday party was the 8th and then we celebrated Mother's Day and my birthday at my parents' house on the 9th.  I was a little bummed because Vinnie was in immense pain on Mother's Day and was not really able to do for me what he had planned (breakfast in bed and letting me sleep in).  He ended up needing an emergency root canal today - poor guy!  

Watching Lilly grow up is just amazing for me.  I am loving it, even if some moments are more stressful than others.  I really want another baby but I am also making sure I enjoy this time with her.  It is a wonderful journey.  But it is bittersweet, isn't it, to watch our babies grow up before our very eyes?

Coming off the high of a celebratory weekend I was not feeling well this morning and took 1/2 a sick day.  I went into work for noon and remembered that I had a staff meeting.  The atmosphere at work has been so tense as people wait to hear if they will have a job next year or not.  Staff meetings tend to bring out the worst in people during these times.  At the end of today's meeting my director asked me to stay after and that I would be called down when it was time.  It was just myself and one other co-worker who started with me.  We knew what that meant.  I could write on about how the letting go was approached and the insensitivity of the director of HR, but really that does not matter.

What matters is that I will not have this job in this district next year.  Relationships I have carefully cultivated with the preschool center directors, teachers and other staff will no longer be.  My little office space will be cleaned out in June and someone else's pictures will be put up next September.  Or maybe not.  The people I work with tend to keep their personal lives separate from work.  I have never been great with that.  I have pictures of Lilly and Vinnie posted on my bulletin board at eye level.  Because the truth is that my family comes first before anything else.

I knew that this was the most likely scenario for me because of the budget cuts in NJ and the fact that I am a leave replacement.  But you know what?  It really is not helpful when people say, "Oh you knew it was coming."  Yes, I was not taken by complete surprise but it is still sad and still puts me in the position of looking for a job for next year in a very unstable economic climate in education.

I do have an interview later this week and I am SOOO excited about it.  I am also going to look into teaching online college classes.  Vinnie suggested I try to blog more and see what I can do with it.  I know I will be okay and I am grateful for the experience.

My sadness has collided with my excitement and happiness over Lilly's birthday.  I will not let it take away from it, but it will take a bit to recover.

Thanks for all the support...

Birth days and stories

Today is my 34th birthday. Life takes us on some crazy journeys and I am pretty happy where I am today. 10 years ago I would have imagined my life very different. Needless to say, it was not always the easiest of travels, but I am a stronger, better person for it.

I so wanted to post on Lilly's birthday, but it just got crazy. We had a wonderful little party with my friend Pamela and her children Katharine and Thomas and my mom and Nanny.

The night before (Wednesday) I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and thinking about Lilly's birth. What was I doing last year this time type of thing... I was flooded with intense emotion thinking about her birth. I had anticipated an easy, uncomplicated birth but had the opposite. When I first started having contractions I used my exercise ball to sit on and do figure 8s to help her spiral down. I visualized her pushing her way out. I stayed really calm and breathed deep into my belly for her. Vinnie and I walked around the neighborhood, stopping to lean on trees during contractions. When my contractions slowed down and stopped completely a few times, I just thought that it was not the right time.

We drove to my parent's house for dinner because everything had completely stopped. As we hit a few potholes on the 2 mile drive, labor started in earnest. At my parent's house I could barely eat the delicious pizza they had ordered. Good sign! I got on my knees and leaned over the back of the sofa during contractions. They were getting more intense and closer together. I could barely believe it was really here!

We went to hospital, probably a little early..my contractions were 3 minutes apart for 1.5 minutes for about 40 minutes. They say to wait until an hour hits. We got to the hospital and parked in the parking deck. I had hard contractions several times on the walk into the hospital. I got up on the bed to be examined...2-3 cm. Okay, not as much as I would have like or thought...considering I had been having contractions for about 2 days now! We switch to the room that I wanted with the birthing tub and contractions STOP. Completely. I was devastated but tried to remain calm. I knew that (stress, anxiety) could affect my labor. My midwife, Joanne, gave me the option to stay there and rest for a bit or to try to stir things up then. I chose rest because this was now the 3rd night of sleep interrupted with contractions. A few hours go by and Joanne comes back to check on me. I had been having contractions during this time but the wireless monitors had not picked them up. And also the baby was showing no change in heart rate which is odd. Before they start pitocin, which I was a bit resistant about to begin with, my midwife wanted to break my water because the baby was showing signs of distress. Sure enough it was completely full of meconium. The doctor on call was called in to consult and we decided that a fetal monitor would be put on before rushing to surgery...there was still hope!

After my water was broken the contractions were fast and furious. And now I was not allowed to move because the baby's heart rate was going super low and taking a really long time to get back up. That was truly torture. All I wanted to do was move!!! At that point I was saying, okay, if you will not let me move I may need something for pain. And at that point it was too late because a c-section was a possibility. I think it was about an hour that I labored like that. I was crying and begging for my mother.

My mom had thought we had a few hours to go and we had told her to not come right away. Luckily she got there when she did. She came into the room and saw the baby's heart rate doing what it was doing and she called the nurses. The nurses had been on their way in for the same reason. At that point it was time to just get the baby out safely. Things moved very quickly at that point...they were getting me ready and I was crying hysterically, Vinnie was trying to fit into scrubs 2 sizes too small and I was wheeled away. I was given the spinal and Vinnie made it in!

As the doctor saw the baby he said, " Oh, this was the problem! The cord was wrapped..1, 2, 3, 4 times around! This is the 1st time I have ever seen 4 times in my 30 years as a doctor!" I had my own complications afterward that made my recovery slow and difficult. My baby girl, on the other hand, did beautifully right away. Her apgar scores were 8 and 9...not bad for a baby who was wrapped 4 times!!! She nursed like a champ...and still does!

Lilly Bernadette was born at 10:46am on May 7, 2008. She is the light of our lives and I do not remember what life was like without her. Life without Lilly would not be worth living.

I am still working through the emotions of having had an emergency cesarean section. But I do not feel as traumatized now that a year has gone by. I definitely want to have a VBAC if we are blessed with another baby. There were many times that I was hurt by comments people made about my birth experience vs. their birth experience. e.g. Well at least you did not have to push a baby out. I would rather have surgery. Meanwhile I was doing everything possible to avoid surgery. Who wants major abdominal surgery... and all that entails???

In the end, I know I did what was best for me and my baby. I prepared by going to a great childbirth class taught by Kim Collins. I took prenatal yoga. When the time came I labored calmly and peacefully. I did whatever I needed for me. I ate and drank what and when I felt like it. I was able to labor without pain killers until I was prepped for the surgery. I avoided all unnecessary medical interventions until my midwife deemed they were necessary. We have a beautiful little girl who is full of life and oh so smart. The experience I had giving birth to her is important. But honestly, the fact that she is here with us really is the most important and final piece of that puzzle.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It took me a few days to write this because I was preparing for Lilly's 1st birthday party yesterday.
xo
Melanie

edited to add: Telling a woman who has just had a c-section, emergency or otherwise, that "The most important thing is that the baby is here." is generally not helpful to the woman. Even if she comes to that conclusion on her own, it may take her years, or never at all. I am guilty of saying that in the past, pre-baby. I think I said it because I was at a loss of what else to say. I probably would just say, "I'm sorry." if I was talking to someone about it now.