What I miss

As much as I am relieved that I am no longer married, and that I am able to move forward in my life, there are some moments in which I remember what I miss.

It started innocently enough, when I absentmindedly tried to twirl my wedding ring. I have not worn a ring on my left hand in almost 10 months. So it seemed out of the blue that I suddenly realized it was not there. I started to panic, thinking that I forgot it, until I remembered that I no longer wear it. It no longer belongs on my finger. Frankly, I had not been wearing it all that regularly during the last several months before I moved out. It felt like a lie, wearing that ring. Looking at it would bring me to tears because it was given and received with hopes and dreams that were not realized.

Thinking about my ring led me down a train of thought that I do not often take. I wouldn't call it feeling sorry for myself. I was taking a look at my reality and how it makes me feel. Granted, it does not help that my would-be-wedding anniversary is approaching next week; the first since my divorce. Or maybe that was the original catalyst in all this.

I miss having a partner. I know, I know. I have not had a partner in years. I am not sure we ever were true partners. There were moments, but it was always an uphill battle. I was often lonely and felt alone. I always wanted a partner, someone I could lean on, and who could lean on me. It's hard, always being the strong one.

Yesterday Lilly had an issue in school. She was injured, by her own doing. She scratched her cornea throwing a ball in gym class. She is her mother's daughter, after all. Anyway, it was a bit of a stressful evening. She is fine now, but that Momma moment had already occurred. My mom helped a lot and was great. I am so grateful to my parents for all the help they give me all the time.

But. The realization that I am the person responsible for her weighed heavily on me. And it made me yearn for a partner. I still wish I had someone that could just hug me, hold me, tell me that it is going to be fine, that I did a good job being a mom that day.It would be so nice to have someone to lean on and into once in awhile. I still hope I'll have that one day...

p.s. I have been receiving texts from a few of my best friends letting me know that I can lean on them. I am incredibly grateful for my friends. Without them, I would not be standing as tall as I am today, for they surely have been holding me up this whole time.

Reading sad things

I am a reader of blogs.  Kind of a lot of them.  Sometimes they are very funny; sometimes they are informative.  And sometimes they are sad.  Recently I have been following the story of Kate and her son Gavin in her blog Chasing Rainbows.  I cannot possibly do her justice, so I will let you read about her yourself.  Please do, because her grace is well, amazing.  Last week something incredibly sad happened.  Gavin died.  He was 5 years old.

I have been asked why I read sad stories like Kate's.  I have been asked if they affect me.  They do affect me.  I am deeply saddened, yet unable to stop reading the stories that are written.  I have asked myself why, because other people ask me why.  This is my answer.  If someone (like Kate) has been brave enough to write her story down and allow me (and others) to read it, then I feel I owe it to her and to her beautiful son to read it.  I will cry for her, her husband, her other son, for Gavin.

It helps me feel connected to women who are just amazing.  I am learning how to have grace and courage from these other women who are not afraid to share their stories with the world.  So  I read them.  I try to learn from them.  

Today was Gavin's funeral.  I wrote his name on my hand, along with a a little rainbow.  I held space for Gavin'd family today.  I prayed and held them up, mentally, every time I saw his name.  And maybe that is why I really read blogs.  So that I can be reminded to not give up hope.  And I can, in my own quiet way, hold space for another.  

My daughter is amazing

Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of my daughter as the adult she might become.  In those moments, I know, deep in my heart, that we are doing a good job as parents.   Read on for tonight's moment.

I have mentioned in past blog entries, my Nanny is closer and closer to passing away.  At this time she is in a hospice center and my mom is there with some of her siblings.  Tonight as I was putting Lilly to bed I told her we had to say special prayers for Nanny and MumMum.  I reminded her that Nanny was very sick and old and her heart does not work so well anymore.  When she asked if Nanny was going to get better soon I told her that Nanny would be going to heaven soon to be with the angels.  As I was telling her this, I started to cry.  Lilly said, "Oh Momma, the angels will take care of Nanny." And then I cried harder.  Lilly popped up and said, "Hold on Momma (pointing her finger in the air) I am going to go get you some toilet paper to wipe your eyes."  She came back a few minutes later and wiped my eyes with the toilet paper.  I was so touched by her compassion and tenderness that I let her do this.  And then we said our prayers for Nanny and MumMum and my whole family.

I am so blessed to have a daughter who, at 3 1/2 years old, is so compassionate, empathetic and loving.