Sunday, August 24, 2014

Vacation by Myself

I just came back from going on vacation by myself. Well, I did a lot of driving by myself, but I stayed with friends. It was glorious and much needed. I drove from New Jersey to North Carolina to spend some time with my college bestie, Michelle. I stopped along the way in Virginia and spent some time catching up with other friends and a cousin. I drank large margaritas, ate delicious food, drank lots of wine, danced, and even sang karaoke for the first time. Note to self: practice that before doing it in public again... haha. I drove with my music blasting, singing along to either my ipod playlists or the satellite radio. Hello, 80s and 90s stations! I really enjoyed my time, but missed Lilly enough to make coming home welcome. Having her 6 year-old self wrapped around me when I got home was the best!

I would have never thought that I could enjoy myself while being away from my daughter for so many days. I always worried about her so much, even if I left for more than a couple hours. But, I knew she was in good hands with her grandmother and then my mom.  She even got to spend the day with my SIL and niece, which was a huge hit.

As moms, we put ourselves last. I have been doing it for so long, and to such extremes with my recent situation, that it took me some time to realize that it is okay. By taking care of myself, I am taking care of my daughter. I needed that time to turn my brain off for awhile. At times I used the solitude during long stretches of beautiful North Carolina and Virginia roads to turn it back on, sort of in the background, just to let myself feel and think and BE, without anyone asking me questions or needing something from me. I was not lonely, even when I was by myself, but more notably, especially not when I was with others. I processed...dreamed...hoped.

I felt more Melanie than I have in a long time.  It was nice to be with her again. She plans on staying for the duration.
Vacay selfie, with btw, no make up.  Not bad for 39!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I'm baack...

Hi y'all. I'm back. Not that I really went away; I had a self-imposed blog-break. Why, Melanie? Why have you not been writing your fabulous blog posts for us? Listen, I am not that self-important enough to think that any of you are thinking this. I write because writers have to write. It is just kind of how it is. Artists gotta do their art thing. Athletes have to move and be active. Writers gotta write. I cannot have this self-imposed silence any longer. So I am just going to come out with it and say it and then we can move on to bigger, better, more exciting topics.  Okay? Okay.

Over the past year I had come to the realization that the changes that needed to happen in order for my marriage to be successful were not going to happen. I stayed until I could no longer stay. In April, I moved with my daughter to my parent's house just a few miles down the road. I am currently in the process of a divorce. I was waiting for it to be final to share this information, but I have no idea how long that is going to take and as I said before, I have to write!

I do not intend on writing about the ins and outs of my situation here, as it is not appropriate. However, you may find a post or two about parenting through divorce, or being newly-single at the age of 39.

Know that I am doing well. I am strong and so is Lilly. In fact, I am realizing just how strong we both are. This does not mean that I do not have meltdowns and "wtf happened to my life" moments. I have amazing family and friends who immediately stepped up to the plate to help however and whenever I needed. I have had some really, really difficult moments. I have cried more in the past few months than I have in years. At the same time, my daily stress levels are lower. Lilly is doing extremely well, especially given the circumstances. She has outbursts and moments, but she has a fast recovery time and I am using them as teaching moments about managing her emotions and self-regulation.

So. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and support. I hope to be writing with some degree of regularity now. I will leave you with a few pictures so you can see that Lilly and I? We are doing just fine, my friends.
Happiness Selfie with Lilly

Springtime Sprinkler Fun

Moving Day Motivation, "This is Strong."