working is, well, work

I generally love my job.  I love it enough that I do not usually wish I was a SAHM instead of a working mom.  (Okay, I sometimes daydream about winning the lottery so that I can be a lady of leisure.  But apparently you have to be in it to win it.)  However, the past several work days have been a little bit more stressful than usual, and it is only going to get better worse. I feel pulled in several, usually opposite, directions and I am trying to get all my work done in a timely manner.

On top of it all, it is only my 2nd year in the position, so there is a learning curve.  I am sure that I will get faster and more efficient in what I need to get done as the years go by but for now, slow and steady seems to be my pace.  I am definitely more confident than I was last year but as new responsibilities have been added, that confidence only takes me so far.

Lest I sound like a whiny bitch...well, maybe I am a little whiny and/or bitchy tonight.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my system so that I can go back tomorrow refreshed and full of energy so I can power through whatever needs to get done.

p.s. Broadway show tunes on Pandora are an awesome way to get through a lot of paperwork!  If only I could banish them from my head now that I am trying to get ready for bed.  "Tonight, tonight..."

Summer vacation

Summer vacation always inspires in me a long list of "things I must accomplish" that inevitably include deep cleaning the entire house, organizing the basement, completing a craft or learning a new one.  Why oh why do I place such big expectations on myself?

This week I started on Tuesday with playing outside with Lilly all morning, making a yummy lunch and then taking her nap time as me time.  I started to realize that maybe that is all I need to accomplish this summer: spending quality time with Lilly.  I am a working mom 10 months of the year.  I get to be a SAHM for 2 months and I want to cherish that and use it smartly.  Before Lilly that may have meant cleaning and organizing my basement or learning a new craft.  Lilly is 3 years old and I will never get to have moments like these again.  

So my basement may or may not get organized this year.  But I will organize playdates for Lilly and I.  And I may or may not learn a new craft this summer.  But I will fingerpaint and bake and make playdough with Lilly.  I may not re-read all those wonderful classics (another yearly summer promise) but Lilly and I will participate in our library's summer reading program.  And I'll read some great chick lit and beachy reads!  

New Day, New Perspective

Just a quick note before I leave for work this morning.  I had a great night of sleep (thank you Lilly!) and was able to wake up refreshed with a new perspective on this whole job situation.  Well, maybe not a brand new perspective, but there are some new thoughts.

I am going to do the best job I can for the remainder of my time there.  My job is to support the teachers, and in that I support the children.  I am going to get the most out of this job - experience wise - as I can in the next 7 weeks.  I am not going to stress over the team dynamics, which are pretty terrible and stress me out many days.  I am going to get great references from my co-workers and my directors for that job that I know is waiting for me.  I am going to be grateful for my experience this year as a working mom because it has changed how I work with parents and has given me more empathy in that area.  I am going to look forward to being a SAHM again for the summer (and perhaps beyond).  I am going to be open to any and all possibilities of being a work-at-home mom, consultant, anything!

And right now I am going to go clean up cat puke before I step in it on my way out the door!

the working mom dilemma?

I thought that being at work all day would give me the patience with Lilly when I was with her. Meaning, that since I was spending significantly less time with her, I would not lose my patience when she has a tantrum or gets overtired and cranky. This was a great thing I heard happens from other working moms. LIARS!!! Okay, not really, but I am not finding that to be true. I find that the more time I am away from her the less I am able to put up the tantrums and crankiness. Also, in the little time that I have with her each day I am also: getting ready for work in the morning, cooking dinner, packing lunches, doing laundry, trying to keep the house in order, doing homework, and oh, spending time with my precious little one.

I also think that I was more in touch with what is typical behavior when I was a SAHM. Kind of like I was conditioned to expect it.

Another thing that is MUCH harder to handle as a working mom is night-time waking. It was hard enough when I was a SAHM. Now, it is terrible. Even if I can get her back to sleep in bed with me, the rest of my night's sleep is not as good. My average bedtime is midnight, waking at 6ish. If she wakes up at 4, I only get 4 hours of good sleep and then 2 hours of mediocre sleep.

I won't even touch right now the stress between Vin and I. I knew working would make things stressful. That I have heard from friends. The money situation gets better, but not great. And every other stress factor sky rockets. I think it was surprise to him, though. I have a feeling he thought we would be on easy street once I started working. Life is never that simple.

The good news is that Lilly is really loving her daycare now. I am really getting into my position now at work. I (think) I am doing a good job and am hopefully impressing the powers to be so that I can hopefully obtain a permanent position.

I think the bottom line is that there are difficult things to handle whether you are a working mom or a SAHM. Maybe that is why there is often a battle between the two. It is really our own internal battles coming out to play. I could very easily say to a SAHM that her job is so much easier, based on my own experiences and wants and needs. But when I was a SAHM it was not easy. Money was tight to the point of being non-existent. And lets face it, it can be lonely. Thank God for social media like facebook and MOL and Mothers & More.

Anyway, if you have not guessed, I am writing this at 2am because Lilly has been awake for over an hour. After losing my patience, Vin stepped in and I needed to write to release some of this stress. Writing has always been good for my soul. I think my blood pressure has come back down to normal so wish me luck as I try to get some sleep tonight.

the mom dilemma

Before I was a mom I had visions of grandeur involving what my life would be like as a Mom. Life was a rude awakening my friends. I am not a working-for-pay mom yet but I am assuming that these problems that I am having as a Mom would plague every kind of Mom. Here is my dilemma, in a nut shell: How does a person get everything done that is supposed to get done? Here is what I would like to get done on a daily basis: cook, daily cleaning and tidying, work out, a few minutes of alone time OR short nap if necessary, spend time with my husband. On a regular basis: big cleaning like mopping, bathrooms, etc, laundry, school work, job applications. Maybe I would even like to have a phone conversation or two. All this needs to occur with a toddler underfoot. Who takes everything out of her dresser when I am putting clothes away in the next room. Who pulls out her favorite books and walks over to me while I am cleaning and says, "BO-ok" and opens my hand and places the book in said hand.

I feel like I can have a clean house but never exercise again, ever and perhaps never let my daughter be a kid. (read: messy, independent, feeding herself, coloring and painting, etc.) Or I can be resigned to a messier house. Here is the kicker...we only have one child right now. Can you imagine what will happen if/when #2 comes along? Hopefully we will be in a bigger house where there will be a play room and toys will not be as invasive on my daily life. For instance, I could walk across my floor without twisting my anle and stubbing my toe and then setting off toys that make noise that have NO OFF switch. Seriously, who makes a noisy toy without an off switch?

It is at times like this that I remember my original blog title...overwhelmed and loving it. Motherhood is not as overwhelming as it was in those first days, and certainly not in the same ways. But life can still be hectic. It is in the handling of that chaos that our true colors show.

Oh, and I have yet to receive a phone call. Positive feelings are dwindling. :(

Marley & Me

Last night I finally watched Marley & Me. It was as sad as people said it would be. But it was also uplifting in some ways. I thought that it portrayed married life and parenthood really well. I have had those same arguments with Vinnie. I have wished the same things as a SAHM.

There are times when, even though I want to be home, I also wonder why I chose this. Of course, now as I am looking for jobs for September I am sad that I will not be a SAHM. At this point, I have stayed home with Lilly for over a year and financially I need to work. When I look at my priorities, being able to pay bills has to be up there. Eventually we want to buy a house. We also want to have more children. Hopefully I will be able to stay home with any subsequent children for a little while, at least.

I know that the working mom vs. SAHM debate is an old one. I just never thought I would have it with myself!