Jello Memories

In my last blog post I wrote about making new memories.  I think one of the things I love most about making new memories with Lilly is how it often brings me back to my own childhood memories.  I am pretty darn lucky that my memories are so wonderful.  I know how blessed I am to have had such a childhood because I work with children who do not always have good memories.  Or their good memories are so far from how I define good that it saddens me.  While I know that my childhood was not perfect, I have very few bad memories.

Yesterday I was making jello with Lilly.  A few years ago I tried making it but she refused to eat it.  I ended up eating an entire pan of orange jello.  It was more than a little sickening.   She has now decided that she likes jello.  She picked out grape (hello, purple!) and raspberry lemonade or some such newfangled flavor.  She was very excited to make it with me.  I obviously stirred it initially since it requires adding boiling water, but then she helped stir the jello powder until it disolved.  We talked about how it would not be ready until tomorrow (today) which is why we made it at night.

Waiting is a hard thing for kids.  Scratch that, waiting is hard!   Lilly was pretty okay with it.  She understands what finished jello looks like so she knew that this was NOT finished.  Without telling her what I was doing, I got out a spoon and scooped a bit of the cooled jello mixture just before I put it in the fridge.  I told her that this is what Nanny used to do for me and I gave her a taste.  It brought me right back to 188 aka Nanny's house, where she would give me a little taste of the not-yet-ready jello from the fridge.  Watching Lilly's face light up at the taste of the warm liquidy goodness was fun.  Watching her smile as she thought of me as Nanny's little granddaughter was priceless.

And you know what?  Knowing that I look back and see the good memories gives me hope that Lilly, too, will someday look back and see only the good, and forgive me for my mom-mistakes.

Not Just Washing the Dishes

Did you ever do something that reminds you that you are your mother, who is her mother?  Sometimes words come out of my mouth that remind me of this.  And sometimes I am reminded when I wash the dishes.

At camp I wash a lot of dishes.  Well, cutting boards, mixing bowls and spoons really, but you know what I mean.  On Friday I was washing the dishes during the last period, which I had as a prep. This means I was not racing through them but able to take my time a bit.  My feet were hurting me after standing all day and my back was aching due to the height of the sink.  I am too tall to wash dishes without leaning over the sink, stooping almost.  I ended up leaning over the sink, stretching out my foot behind me and leaning my elbows on the sink edge.  I was doing this to stretch out my achilles but it also helped ease the ache in my back...bonus.  I know that I stand like this a lot when at the kitchen sink.  But for whatever reason, this moment became etched in my mind.

It was in that moment that I had an instant photograph in my mind of walking into the kitchen to see my mom at the sink, leaning over and washing the dishes or peeling potatoes or washing fruit.  And in that same instant I saw my Nanny leaning over the sink washing the dishes or peeling some potatoes or washing some fruit.  It was like a multigenerational instaframe with pictures of the 3 of us standing, leaning over the sink.

I googled images for leaning over the sink and for washing dishes.  I thought that other people must stand like this to wash the dishes.  Nowhere did I find a picture that even closely resembled how we stand.  I think it is in my genes.

In memory of Nanny

Lilly sitting on Nanny's lap, 11/13/11

I have written it in my mind a million times.  I have tried to write it here several times.  I have heard and read what my relatives have written.  There are a lot of similarities among the speeches and writings of my relatives.  I think that is the beauty of Nanny.  Here are my thoughts.  Please excuse any seeming randomness as it was written over several days.

Nanny, Nana, Nan, and even Lilly's pet name, Nanny-nini....We had different names for our grandmother  and that makes sense to me now.  Nanny had a very special ability to have a special and unique relationship with all of her grandchildren.  During my Uncle Pat's eulogy for her, he spoke of how each one of us was her "favorite" grandchild.  I know that to be true.  She not only loved each one of us, she was proud of each one of us for whatever our talent or strength was, for just being who we were.  Nanny was our champion.  She may not have been vocal about it to others, but she would tell us that we could do it, even if was a whispered moment after dinner.

But I think that were certain things that Nanny did that we will always remember as "Nanny" moments.  Which of us has not played a hand of cards with Nanny? Whether it was Old Maid or War when we were little, Gin Rummy as we got older or a new game that she was willing to learn from Jeremiah, cards was a Nanny thing.  And the only time Nanny or I could beat Jeremiah at said game was when he was recovering from foot surgery on pain killers!

Being the eldest grandchild and also living so close to her I was blessed to have a unique relationship with Nanny.  I was in her house as a little girl on a daily or close to daily basis.  I remember clearly, Nanny letting me have a sip of the jello before it cooled, climbing into her bed with her and trying to open her eyes, "Are you awake Nanny?"  And this after she worked all night at the hospital.  I don't remember but Nanny would always remind me that I would ask for white macamonies, not red ones and ask why that cat wasn't getting milk on hims cereals.   My Aunt Nancy or maybe my Uncle Pat shared the memory of looking in Nanny's uniform pocket for a mint or a butterscotch.  I remember finding peppermint patties and was it Neccos? tucked in among the tissues.

When my parents had a late night event, Nanny was often our babysitter.  She would make us "hamburgs" with fresh meat from the butcher.  Better than McDonalds she would tell the ever picky Joey.  We would have cantaloupe and vanilla yogurt for dessert or maybe some fruit cocktail.  And if she slept over?  "She's still here" we would shout in the morning!

Fleming birthday parties....I am not sure I can write about them right now.  But I promise I will at some point.  They will never be the same without Nanny.

And will I ever forget the first time I drive Nanny home from one of the boy's ball games in my stick shift car and got stuck on a hill?  Just relax, take a breath.  I know you can do it.  Here's what you do...

When I was in college I commuted to Montclair State and would drive past Nanny's house on the way home maybe once a week.  If her porch light was on, she was up, and she almost always was.  I would go in for a chat and a piece of chicken that she cooked with some red sauce over some pasta.  Maybe a hamburg on toast if she had recently been to the butcher.  I thought you might stop by, so I got a little extra, she would say.  Here, stretch out on the sofa and rest your eyes while I get you a little food.  You must be tired.  


After her open-heart surgery, while I was still in college, I stayed with Nanny at night for a couple weeks when she came home so that she would not be alone.  It was probably the first time I saw her as vulnerable.  However as I drove her to an appointment around that same time, she challenged any thoughts of vulnerability as she leaned over me to honk my horn at a school bus that cut in front of me, shaking her fist out the window at the driver.

I moved to an apartment in Belleville, nearly the next town over from Nanny, when I was 24.  I asked Nanny if I could go to Mass with her one Sunday because I didn't like to go by myself.  She gladly accepted and we would meet at Sacred Heart and afterward we would go back and have some breakfast: some scrambled eggs and taylor ham, again, from the butcher.  When it became cold and icy, I started picking her up and driving her to Mass.  We would pick up her friend Philomena along the way and maybe another lady friend, too.  They would tease me, Driving Miss Nanny, as I drove along oh so carefully in the Cadillac.  It became a tradition, Mass and breakfast on Sunday morning.   I would leave in the early afternoon just in time for her to get ready for her lunch with Mrs. Welsh (Manhattans chilling) or Jerry & Ann.  I was always invited to stay, and sometimes I regret not saying yes, once or twice at least.

The mornings I got home at 2:30am after the bars closed at 2...those were rough!  But I would try hard not to let on.   Sometimes my friend and roommate Colleen joined us for Mass and breakfast.  And when I moved further away to Maplewood, I still went to Mass with her sometimes, but not nearly every week.  Another regret, not going every week, even after moving...

Fast forward....I am pregnant with Lilly.  I used to call Nanny and give her the updates on what was happening.  "The baby is the size of a lemon Nanny!  She or he has fingernails and fingerprints.  I can feel the baby moving!"  I asked her to come to an ultrasound with me.  She met me there since it was right up the block.  When I told the tech that she had been a baby nurse and had delivered babies herself she asked nanny if she had seen anything like this.  No, nothing like this! And the u/s tech showed Nanny all the details, even though I was only there for a quick check-up.  It made that very special time all the more so.

And watching Nanny rock my Lilly and sing to her, probably the same lullabies she sang to her children?  It brought me to tears, always.  Most of the pictures I have of Nanny in the past 3.5 years do not have me in them because I wanted to capture the moments with Lilly.  They had a very special relationship.  Lilly was her doll baby.  I made an album for Nanny with pictures of Lilly with her and I titled it: Nanny and Lilly, A Love Story because theirs truly was.  How telling it is that Lilly, though sad that she will miss Nanny, is not afraid that she is not here because she knows that she is with the angels.  I have a feeling Nanny herself let her know.

It was hard when Nanny moved.  She would call me and say Mel, I am so lonesome for you.  And for Lilly.  Can you come visit one day after work?  Maybe soon you can come for a visit.  And I would have to remind her that I could not go to PA after work.  That it was too far for a weeknight visit.  Remembering that makes me so sad, wishing I had visited more often.

I know that Nanny was not perfect.  She may have been the queen of the backhand compliment.  As she grabbed some fabric from the seat of my pants, "You look good now that you lost some of that weight!"  (Obviously not a recent comment!)  But I believe she never meant it unkindly, that she really did mean the compliment part of it. But I was reminded, again by Uncle Pat, about something by which Nanny lived.  I have found that in my own life I have struggled with this, and Nanny would occasionally gently remind me of her motto: Is it true? Is it necessary?  Is it kind?  Since the birth of Lilly in particular, I have really tried to live that, without even putting those words to it, just knowing that I wanted to become a better person in that regard.  I don't think I have heard Nanny say those words in many years.  But I now hear her voice saying them in my head every day.

And my mom reminded me of Nanny's love for the Infant Jesus.  Lilly and I say the prayer she has taught all of us about the Infant Jesus.  And Nanny believed in bringing your problems to Jesus.  Just say a little prayer Mel.  He'll tell you what to do.  Another word that was used to describe Nanny was forgiving.  I know she had a forgiving spirit.  She had a difficult life for a very long time and she did not let it get her down.  I don't think you can live, in spite of all the problems like she did, if you are not forgiving.

It is true that the secret to my meatballs was learned from Nanny, but, as delicious as they are, she taught more important lessons by the way in which she lived her life.  Only speak words that are true, necessary and kind; pray daily to the Infant Jesus and bring your problems to Him; forgive.  

You know what though?  I am so glad I learned how to make meatballs like Nanny.  I am especially grateful I learned by watching her oh so many times.  But Nan, how do you know you've added enough? You can feel it Mel.  Feel it with your fingers, like this.  Her fingers putting some meat in mine...touching my fingers with hers.

Nanny is at peace

As many of you now know, my Nanny passed away on December 31, 2011.  I believe she is at peace now, but I am still very saddened by her passing.  I know I am incredibly lucky to have had Nanny in my life as long, and to the extent, that I did.  Lilly is also so lucky to have had her in her life for 3 1/2 years.  I have a few poignant stories to share but I don't have the emotional energy to do so right now.

The wake and funeral are not for several days, so I am trying to compartmentalize my feelings right now because I cannot take the time from work until Monday.  It is actually more difficult than I had anticipated to go to work, especially since I am not sleeping so well at night.  But, I will get through it, in no small part to my supportive work friends.

As I re-read this I realized this might send limiting.  I don't intend it to be.  Work just has it's own particular challenges while I am actively grieving.  My friends have been so supportive over the past few days, and will continue to be through the hardest parts and beyond.  Some of my closest friends also called her Nanny, and thought of her in that way.  The lovely part of that is that Nanny considered them (my friends) to be her own, too.  She loved being called Nanny and told all of our friends to call her that.  "I'm everybody's Nanny.  Anyone who needs or wants a Nanny.  That's me."

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
xoxo always Nanny!

This is how I will remember Nanny most...vibrant, loving and laughing.
Nanny & Lilly

My daughter is amazing

Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of my daughter as the adult she might become.  In those moments, I know, deep in my heart, that we are doing a good job as parents.   Read on for tonight's moment.

I have mentioned in past blog entries, my Nanny is closer and closer to passing away.  At this time she is in a hospice center and my mom is there with some of her siblings.  Tonight as I was putting Lilly to bed I told her we had to say special prayers for Nanny and MumMum.  I reminded her that Nanny was very sick and old and her heart does not work so well anymore.  When she asked if Nanny was going to get better soon I told her that Nanny would be going to heaven soon to be with the angels.  As I was telling her this, I started to cry.  Lilly said, "Oh Momma, the angels will take care of Nanny." And then I cried harder.  Lilly popped up and said, "Hold on Momma (pointing her finger in the air) I am going to go get you some toilet paper to wipe your eyes."  She came back a few minutes later and wiped my eyes with the toilet paper.  I was so touched by her compassion and tenderness that I let her do this.  And then we said our prayers for Nanny and MumMum and my whole family.

I am so blessed to have a daughter who, at 3 1/2 years old, is so compassionate, empathetic and loving.

Finally, the follow-up

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts as we awaited the results of all of Lilly's tests.  It has been a challenge to even get an appointment with the doctor.  As it is, I had to reschedule a court date, so I will need to take a day from work anyway.  grr....but I digress.

Without further ado, the tests only showed one "unusual activity" period of 2 seconds in the whole 48 hours.  This could be nothing or it could be the beginning of a seizure disorder.  If she is going to have another seizure without a fever it will in all probability be in the next 6 months.  So we wait and see.  We have a new prescription for diazepam to be administered if she has a seizure longer than 5 minutes.  She will have it with her at all times.

I think that this was probably the best of all answers.  There were not many episodes that would indicate that she has epilepsy.  I definitely feel that it was worth my time and effort and her discomfort in having the testing done.  I trust the doctor implicitly, which I cannot say about the last neurologist.  I know from talking to him and to the other mom I met that he is aggressive in both testing and treatment.  So if he does not think that Lilly needs medication right now, I am confident in that decision.

Thank you again for all your kind thoughts and notes.  It has been a challenging time for my family as my Nanny is in her final stages of her life.  I am praying for a peaceful passage for her into the next life.

My Nanny is moving

Throughout my entire life my Nanny has lived within about 10 miles of me.  I guess really it is the other way around since she has only moved once in my lifetime...from the house in which my mom grew up to her current apartment.  For years we had been saying, "Nanny is getting old."  For the past few years we have been saying, "Nanny is old."  

Last winter and spring were particularly hard for and on her.  She was sick often and it was a harsh winter so she did not get out very often.  As much as I want to see her often and help her with the her daily needs, I cannot.  I feel guilty that I have not been able to help her in the ways in which I want.  I speak to her often and see her at least monthly.  She sees Lilly more often because she goes to see her at my mom's house while I am at work.  

That is all changing next week.  Nanny is moving in with my aunt and uncle in Pennsylvania.  Oddly enough, Nanny was born and raised in PA and moved to NJ as a young woman.  She will be about an hour and 45 minutes away.  I will not be able to see her very often now.  My aunt and uncle want us to feel as if we can visit anytime.  But the truth is, we won't be able to make a monthly trip out there.  And really, I am not sure that is even what I am mourning right now.

The thing is, Nanny is not taking her stuff. She will take her favorite chair and her personal items.  But she is giving away her furniture, dishes, etc.  She will not be taking her ancient microwave on which you dial the amount of time you want.  She is not taking her television that is really a piece of furniture.  I wonder if she will take with her that Nanny-house scent?  It moved with her from her house at "188" to her apartment in Troy Towers.  

People keep saying that she has not died and I know.  However, the kind of relationship I had with her is dying.  She attends all my family's birthday celebrations.  The ones we have on a Wednesday night, not just big ones and she brings the brownies and fruit salad.  I took her with me to see one of my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with Lilly.  I learned how to make meatballs by watching her when I would go over for dinner every few weeks.  When I was in college I would drive by her house on my way home and if the downstairs lights were on, I would stop by.  She would heat up a little dinner for me and we would sit and chat late into the night.  After her open heart surgery I stayed with her for awhile when she was allowed to come home.   When I lived the next town over I took her to Mass on Sundays and then she made us breakfast.

I know that I am incredibly lucky to have had that kind of relationship with my Nanny.  My cousins have never lived this close to her and I am the eldest by a mile (or 8 years!) so our relationship is particularly unique.  I wrote above that our relationship is changing next week.  Truthfully, it has been gradually changing for a long time.  Having a family of my own necessarily changed my life and my availability.  


I have realized that as hard as this is for me, it must be a hundred times harder for my mom.  She moved out of her parent's house when she was 17 years old and got married and had me.  But she has lived in the same county, even, as her mom her entire life.  As much as we all know that Nanny will get a lot of great care at my aunt's house (she is a nurse and my uncle is a doctor) it is still a really, really tough transition.  I won't get into the inner workings of my family politics, but you all know that there is always stuff, politics and whatnot, that go on with something as big as this.  My mom was the first of the seven children to move out of the house, but she has lived the closest, mileage wise.  The other six are scattered around the country and have lived a lot of other places between moving out and settling down.  The difference is that they chose to make that move for whatever reason...job, spouse, whim.  I just know that my mom is probably very sad about this move, even if she thinks it is best for her mom.  Because of all this I am really going to try and make a conscious effort to be kind to my mom and remember what she is dealing with right now.  I will try to act with love and not react with anger.  Maybe by handling things this way it will help heal my heart that is a little bit broken right now.