Hey all! I know I haven't been writing much. I have had another writing project going on, that has kind of taken up my time. It's exciting for me because it is a totally new project, but fits me well. I wish I could be less vague about it, but the company prefers that I write as "the company" and not let myself be known, yet.
Plus, you know, life. It gets busy around these months for teachers.
I've been in a fitness/weight loss slump. But I feel the tides changing. You know when you just get sick of feeling sick? That is kind of how I feel right now. I know that cutting dairy and sugar out/down makes me feel better. I know that yoga makes me feel better. I just gotta do it. I really do, because I am so sick of feeling like this. I just have to get over that hump. You know the one I mean. The one that tells you that you cannot, absolutely not live without candy. Or doughnuts. Or mac & cheese. Or ice cream. Or whatever it is that makes you feel oh so good when you take those first bites. But truth? I don't just take one bite. Ever. And another truth? My tummy really hurts when I eat that shit. My body starts to get achey. I get tired and lethargic. Like, too tired to do yoga or go for a walk, the very things that make me feel better.
Melanie, you are saying, you have told us this before. Yeah, I know I have. Such is the journey of life, my friends. Sometimes we have to make mistakes a few (lots of) times before we get it. I think this is my time....
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Monday, June 3, 2013
Saturday, January 21, 2012
The time is now
The time is now for me to live a healthier life. I know I have written about this before both in recent months and a couple years ago. I could get down on myself for not sticking with it the 1st, 2rd, 3rd time but that leads nowhere fast. I had to be reminded of that recently because I was starting to feel down about how much time I have lost in the weight battle. This person told me that I will not gain anything positive by beating myself up and in fact might slide backward even more.
So what happened this time? I saw pictures of myself, in pajamas no less, at Christmas and was not happy with what I saw. But more importantly, I don't feel comfortable in my body right now. I am at my heaviest ever and it does not feel good. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. I do not want to get comfortable at this weight. As I get older, it will only become harder to lose the weight. Hence, the time is now.
I had actually decided this a few weeks ago but then Nanny died and I was not able to really make decisions like this. I put everything on hold for 2 weeks. This week was my new start. I woke up to work out before work 2 days and brought healthy food with me for breakfast, lunch and snacks. I have been cutting out a lot of the extra snacking and caloric drinks that I was having, especially in the afternoons and evenings.
I can tell that I am really ready to make this change because even after only a few days of cutting out a lot of the junk and sugar I am not only not craving it, but not wanting it when offered to me. Don't get me wrong, I am still having my one cup of coffee in the morning with half and half and sugar and I have not cut out the extras completely yet. But it is drastically reduced and I plan to continue cutting down. It is amazing that not having sugar makes me not want sugar but that eating sugar makes me crave more and more.
I love candy, like gum drop-type candy, and I had a little bit this week. The bottom line...I just can't even have one. Same with chocolate. There were some Hershey kisses at work, just a couple, but since I did not have one, I did not want one. But if I had eaten one, I would have wanted them all. It is the same with soda and iced tea. I was having one with my lunch almost every day. But when I stopped having them when I was home over Christmas break I did not feel like I needed those drinks anymore.
I really feel like I am on a good path. I am feeling good about living healthier. Already I feel a little less uncomfortable in my body and look forward to feeling better and better about myself.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I think I can or I know I can?
I have spoken about trying to lose weight and eat better in this blog before. It has not happened. For various reasons that I could go on and on about, I did not lose, but gained weight. I became out of shape, not in better shape. I made poor food choices and blamed it on many outside things/forces/whathaveyous.
Little by little in recent months, I began to see what I looked like and did not like it. Not necessarily because I looked bad, but because I felt like the extra weight was my costume so that I could hide.
I have tried weight loss programs in the past and I would be marginally successful. There have been two times in my life that I was very successful in losing the weight: once in college and when I was pregnant and then gave birth. The latter has the easy reason of having morning (noon & night) sickness until about 4 1/2 months. I had a 2 week reprieve and then for the remainder of the pregnancy I still had aversions (Chinese food and yogurt - blech!) and the added pleasure of throwing up every day. Until I delivered, basically. Within 18 months I gained back all the weight I lost while I was pregnant and directly after. And then some.
The previous time that I lost a lot of weight was when I just made a decision one day to live a healthy lifestyle. I literally went to bed one day deciding to change the next day; and I did. The problem was that I was ultra strict with myself and it was very sudden. I know some programs (OA) can be like that, but you have the support then. This was just me, on my own. It did not last long because it was not sustainable. At least not for me. I did not want to watch other people eat birthday cake. There is a lot more to that story, but that is a story for another day, maybe.
Okay so back to the past few months... I started to see my weight as a costume or shield. From what, I still have to figure out. I also started to take responsibility for my weight. Yes, there are lots of reasons that I could say, "I gained weight because..." but nobody force fed me. I put the food in my mouth. Most of the time I even bought the food that I put in my mouth! There is a freedom in accepting that I did this because it also means that I can undo this. My recent focus has been away from dieting and on healthy eating and living. Eating healthier, finding relaxation techniques that work for me and exercising are becoming a priority in my life.
I have always secretly wanted to be a runner, but I could never really get there. I can walk pretty darn fast, but running makes me want to puke. But I want to! I have researched running programs, tried to figure out how I could do this. But I never took that figurative first step to becoming a runner. Last week I started walking again. I had started right before and in between both my hand surgeries but now I really have nothing in the way. Today I started running, a little bit, just to see if I could. I always think that I can't. That I am not a runner. Yet today, I just did it. I stopped thinking and did. I walked as needed, but then started again. This was already after 20 minutes of walking, so I knew I was not going to injure myself. I felt powerful and graceful and like I could be a runner. That momentum carried me through my day. It made making healthy choices easier. It cleared a lot of fluff from my head. I want to run more.
Little by little in recent months, I began to see what I looked like and did not like it. Not necessarily because I looked bad, but because I felt like the extra weight was my costume so that I could hide.
I have tried weight loss programs in the past and I would be marginally successful. There have been two times in my life that I was very successful in losing the weight: once in college and when I was pregnant and then gave birth. The latter has the easy reason of having morning (noon & night) sickness until about 4 1/2 months. I had a 2 week reprieve and then for the remainder of the pregnancy I still had aversions (Chinese food and yogurt - blech!) and the added pleasure of throwing up every day. Until I delivered, basically. Within 18 months I gained back all the weight I lost while I was pregnant and directly after. And then some.
The previous time that I lost a lot of weight was when I just made a decision one day to live a healthy lifestyle. I literally went to bed one day deciding to change the next day; and I did. The problem was that I was ultra strict with myself and it was very sudden. I know some programs (OA) can be like that, but you have the support then. This was just me, on my own. It did not last long because it was not sustainable. At least not for me. I did not want to watch other people eat birthday cake. There is a lot more to that story, but that is a story for another day, maybe.
Okay so back to the past few months... I started to see my weight as a costume or shield. From what, I still have to figure out. I also started to take responsibility for my weight. Yes, there are lots of reasons that I could say, "I gained weight because..." but nobody force fed me. I put the food in my mouth. Most of the time I even bought the food that I put in my mouth! There is a freedom in accepting that I did this because it also means that I can undo this. My recent focus has been away from dieting and on healthy eating and living. Eating healthier, finding relaxation techniques that work for me and exercising are becoming a priority in my life.
I have always secretly wanted to be a runner, but I could never really get there. I can walk pretty darn fast, but running makes me want to puke. But I want to! I have researched running programs, tried to figure out how I could do this. But I never took that figurative first step to becoming a runner. Last week I started walking again. I had started right before and in between both my hand surgeries but now I really have nothing in the way. Today I started running, a little bit, just to see if I could. I always think that I can't. That I am not a runner. Yet today, I just did it. I stopped thinking and did. I walked as needed, but then started again. This was already after 20 minutes of walking, so I knew I was not going to injure myself. I felt powerful and graceful and like I could be a runner. That momentum carried me through my day. It made making healthy choices easier. It cleared a lot of fluff from my head. I want to run more.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
gym update
On July 14th I had posted about going back to the gym for the first time in ages. I am happy to report to my fabulous readers that almost 3 weeks later I am still going to the gym! I even utilized he fitness room when I went to a hotel for a wedding. I am feeling better about myself and when I go I try to push myself as hard as I can. I used to feel that it was all or nothing...if I could not go for a full hour or more than I did not go. And so it was nothing, for a long time. Now if all I can go for is 30 minutes, I do that. Yesterday my hubby had a doctor's appointment that would have interfered with my usual time. I went right after he came home from work, before his appointment, for about 30 minutes. I did the elliptical and some stretches and came home. Today I can do a longer workout that includes my strength stuff. Hooray for me and for hubby for supporting me in this!
My heel has been acting up so I try to limit my treadmill time and use the elliptical instead and avoid lunges for now. My self diagnosis: plantar fasciitis. Luckily it is not severe enough for me to head to the podiatrist yet. I am trying to wear my sneaks as much as possible and ice it after a hard workout.
I have been resolute in my decision not to step on the scale. In fact I put in the back of the linen closet while organizing this weekend. I am so, so tempted to see if that number has changed but I am not secure enough yet to feel okay no matter the number. So, in the closet it stays. I am focusing, instead, on how my legs and arms are firmer and more toned, my waist is coming back, and hello...I have a collar bone! I wish I had measured myself before I started because that is always a good indicator of fat loss.
Next on the list is to cut out the sweets in my daily diet. The fruit is amazingly delicious right now so the plan is to substitute fruit for sweets whenever I have that craving. I also need to get back to carrot and celery sticks instead of crackers when I need a crunch.
My heel has been acting up so I try to limit my treadmill time and use the elliptical instead and avoid lunges for now. My self diagnosis: plantar fasciitis. Luckily it is not severe enough for me to head to the podiatrist yet. I am trying to wear my sneaks as much as possible and ice it after a hard workout.
I have been resolute in my decision not to step on the scale. In fact I put in the back of the linen closet while organizing this weekend. I am so, so tempted to see if that number has changed but I am not secure enough yet to feel okay no matter the number. So, in the closet it stays. I am focusing, instead, on how my legs and arms are firmer and more toned, my waist is coming back, and hello...I have a collar bone! I wish I had measured myself before I started because that is always a good indicator of fat loss.
Next on the list is to cut out the sweets in my daily diet. The fruit is amazingly delicious right now so the plan is to substitute fruit for sweets whenever I have that craving. I also need to get back to carrot and celery sticks instead of crackers when I need a crunch.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
catching-up
I have not written in what feels like ages because life has been a little hectic. I have gone on 2 interviews: 1 for Early Intervention which I was offered on the spot and 1 for a position in Hoboken for the BOE. More on that 2nd one later this week, I hope. The Early Intervention position is hourly but functions more like a contract. I can work around my schedule and have as many/few clients as I can handle. This is something I have really wanted to do so I am thrilled by this opportunity. I am hoping that I will be able to build a relationship with this company and then if/when we decide to expand our family it will allow me to stay home with #2 a little longer than I would otherwise be able.
In the midst of graduation, being let go, interviewing, etc. I was also dealing with Lilly getting sick. Again. It started off in her usual way...with a febrile seizure. We brought her to the doctor and was told she had laryngitis/croup and to expect the barky cough to start that night. Sure enough it started about midnight. Well by day 2 of the cough and shortness of breath I was getting very concerned. I had really been trying to be calm because I know so many people end up in the ER unnecessarily. I called the doctor before I put her to bed Thursday (we had been to see him on Tuesday) and based on her symptoms he told us to go straight to the ER. Now, I was thinking as we walked in that it was kind of sad and disconcerting that I was beginning to know many of the faces in the pediatric ER. Lilly was seen ultra quickly and was given an oral dose of a strong steroid to calm her breathing. It worked within the hour and we were on our way home.
By Saturday Lilly seemed to be on the mend. Her temperature was back down in the 97s without ibuprofen and her cough was barely noticeable. She had a slight runny nose, as expected. Sunday morning I woke up to her having a febrile seizure in the bed next to me. Vin and I got dressed and brought her to ER once again. There seemed to be no infection and nothing else going on. Back home we went but since it was Sunday of Memorial Day weekend I was glad we went. Plus the ER doc told me that I should always bring her if I feel I need to, especially after a seizure.
I have an appointment for the diagnostic testing Lilly needs for the day after my last day of work. i am not thrilled that she will be sedated for approximately 1.5 hours, but at least we will rule out any other causes of the seizures.
Meanwhile I have been trying to work out with the wii when I can. I REALLY want to get back to the gym as well, but finding the time seems impossible. And food, well, I have not lost and I am trying not to beat myself up for stress eating when Lilly was sick. At least I know that when I am stress eating now it is still not nearly as bad as before. Like I might have a doughnut. Okay, 2 doughnuts. But I am not eating doughnuts, cookies and 2nd helpings of dinner and maybe some ice cream after.
As an aside, Lilly has been obsessed with "ham" or Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss for the uninitiated. I think Vinnie and I know that book by heart. Her next fave is There is a Monster at the End of this Book. She CRACKS up!! To know Lilly really is to love her. She just lights up my world. Which reminds me...only 12 more work days until I am home with my bunny for the summer!!!
In the midst of graduation, being let go, interviewing, etc. I was also dealing with Lilly getting sick. Again. It started off in her usual way...with a febrile seizure. We brought her to the doctor and was told she had laryngitis/croup and to expect the barky cough to start that night. Sure enough it started about midnight. Well by day 2 of the cough and shortness of breath I was getting very concerned. I had really been trying to be calm because I know so many people end up in the ER unnecessarily. I called the doctor before I put her to bed Thursday (we had been to see him on Tuesday) and based on her symptoms he told us to go straight to the ER. Now, I was thinking as we walked in that it was kind of sad and disconcerting that I was beginning to know many of the faces in the pediatric ER. Lilly was seen ultra quickly and was given an oral dose of a strong steroid to calm her breathing. It worked within the hour and we were on our way home.
By Saturday Lilly seemed to be on the mend. Her temperature was back down in the 97s without ibuprofen and her cough was barely noticeable. She had a slight runny nose, as expected. Sunday morning I woke up to her having a febrile seizure in the bed next to me. Vin and I got dressed and brought her to ER once again. There seemed to be no infection and nothing else going on. Back home we went but since it was Sunday of Memorial Day weekend I was glad we went. Plus the ER doc told me that I should always bring her if I feel I need to, especially after a seizure.
I have an appointment for the diagnostic testing Lilly needs for the day after my last day of work. i am not thrilled that she will be sedated for approximately 1.5 hours, but at least we will rule out any other causes of the seizures.
Meanwhile I have been trying to work out with the wii when I can. I REALLY want to get back to the gym as well, but finding the time seems impossible. And food, well, I have not lost and I am trying not to beat myself up for stress eating when Lilly was sick. At least I know that when I am stress eating now it is still not nearly as bad as before. Like I might have a doughnut. Okay, 2 doughnuts. But I am not eating doughnuts, cookies and 2nd helpings of dinner and maybe some ice cream after.
As an aside, Lilly has been obsessed with "ham" or Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss for the uninitiated. I think Vinnie and I know that book by heart. Her next fave is There is a Monster at the End of this Book. She CRACKS up!! To know Lilly really is to love her. She just lights up my world. Which reminds me...only 12 more work days until I am home with my bunny for the summer!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Back in the proverbial saddle again
So, (imagine a long, drawn out version) I have not been to the gym in goodness knows how long. My diet off the wagon big time the last weeks and I was losing motivation to restart it all. I weighed myself today and I have gained a couple pounds. boo. I decided to re-commit myself to my eating plan. I stayed on track today. It would be so simple to not count/write down little treats here and there. Doughnuts call my name all freakin' day long!!! I would like to know how they even learned my name. heehee...
I worked out with my Wii Sports active and started a 30-day challenge today. I also really, really want to get back to the gym. I miss it. Hubby wants to see if we can cancel it but I want to see how I can rearrange my schedule so that I can get there. Oh and I drank tons of water today. More than my usual, that is.
I just have to stop lying to myself. I cannot eat candy and sweet treats like some other people can. I can and will do it this time! But I will eat some cake on my graduation day!!!!
As an aside, this is the scale I have. It is kind of annoying me because sometimes when I step on it I have drastically different weights from one minute to the next. For instance this morning my weight was the series:
1. x (x=weight)
2. x-4
3. x+.4
4. x-6
5. x
6. x
I know I should just let it go, but if I know it is that different I want to make sure I get the closest number possible. Today I picked the one that made the most sense and also came up the most. And it is a new scale. grrr.
I worked out with my Wii Sports active and started a 30-day challenge today. I also really, really want to get back to the gym. I miss it. Hubby wants to see if we can cancel it but I want to see how I can rearrange my schedule so that I can get there. Oh and I drank tons of water today. More than my usual, that is.
I just have to stop lying to myself. I cannot eat candy and sweet treats like some other people can. I can and will do it this time! But I will eat some cake on my graduation day!!!!
As an aside, this is the scale I have. It is kind of annoying me because sometimes when I step on it I have drastically different weights from one minute to the next. For instance this morning my weight was the series:
1. x (x=weight)
2. x-4
3. x+.4
4. x-6
5. x
6. x
I know I should just let it go, but if I know it is that different I want to make sure I get the closest number possible. Today I picked the one that made the most sense and also came up the most. And it is a new scale. grrr.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year = New Goals
As 2009 drew to a close, I realized that I had accomplished my big goal for the past several years. I finished graduate school! I won't be walking until the May ceremony but I am finished with my classes. I am just awaiting grade and that very expensive piece of paper. I have some new goals for 2010. Most of these are things that had to get put aside as I finished school as a FT working mom of a toddler. Yikes! When I think of all I had to fight through, or maybe work through sounds better, I am even more proud of myself for having done it. I don't think that anyone would ever say that I am not persistent. Or stubborn. Either one. I think that did me well in this case. Without persevering I would have quit a looong time ago. I mean, I wrote papers while nursing Lilly. Literally. I would lay her across my lap and nurse her while I propped the laptop up in a way that I could type. Craziness.
So, my new goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them today.
1. Exercise - Totally went out the window when I started working.
2. Eat healthier/cook more - Also went partly out the window when working and taking 2 night classes. Lots of take-out and quick, not necessarily healthy meals.
3. Organize - I sometimes feel like I am drowning in paper.
4. Pay down debt - Believe it or not I am still paying off credit card debt that was accumulated before the un-wedding and the aftermath. Plus there is added debt that I/we are committed to paying down/off. Being a SAHM for 17 months may not have been the best financial decision, but I don't regret one minute I was home.
5. Go to church more often. - I just have not gone, not made the time and I regret that.
I know that they are the stereotypical resolutions that everyone makes. But in some way that makes me feel better. I am not alone in my need to make positive changes in my life. I had wanted to join the gym before this week so that I was not like all the other new members starting on the 1st. How silly is that! Maybe the momentum of others around me will help propel me forward.
Tangentially, Vinnie will be starting school in January. I will be supporting him as much as I can in this huge, but necessary endeavor. It will be great if some of his almost 9 years of Navy experience would count toward something academically speaking. He will be working full time as he starts and I know how hard it can be. I hope that I can be organized enough to have lunch and dinner packed for him on the nights he has school. He also has class Saturday morning which will take a Herculean effort on his part. He likes to sleep in, as evidenced by the amount of times I have been able to sleep in on a weekend. I know he can do this. I am not sure if he realizes how much a Bachelor's Degree can change his life. He can go in a totally new direction of he wants! How exciting!
Okay, off to make some coffee. I went to sleep a little before 2am and I was up a little after 6am. Good times.
So, my new goals/resolutions/whatever we want to call them today.
1. Exercise - Totally went out the window when I started working.
2. Eat healthier/cook more - Also went partly out the window when working and taking 2 night classes. Lots of take-out and quick, not necessarily healthy meals.
3. Organize - I sometimes feel like I am drowning in paper.
4. Pay down debt - Believe it or not I am still paying off credit card debt that was accumulated before the un-wedding and the aftermath. Plus there is added debt that I/we are committed to paying down/off. Being a SAHM for 17 months may not have been the best financial decision, but I don't regret one minute I was home.
5. Go to church more often. - I just have not gone, not made the time and I regret that.
I know that they are the stereotypical resolutions that everyone makes. But in some way that makes me feel better. I am not alone in my need to make positive changes in my life. I had wanted to join the gym before this week so that I was not like all the other new members starting on the 1st. How silly is that! Maybe the momentum of others around me will help propel me forward.
Tangentially, Vinnie will be starting school in January. I will be supporting him as much as I can in this huge, but necessary endeavor. It will be great if some of his almost 9 years of Navy experience would count toward something academically speaking. He will be working full time as he starts and I know how hard it can be. I hope that I can be organized enough to have lunch and dinner packed for him on the nights he has school. He also has class Saturday morning which will take a Herculean effort on his part. He likes to sleep in, as evidenced by the amount of times I have been able to sleep in on a weekend. I know he can do this. I am not sure if he realizes how much a Bachelor's Degree can change his life. He can go in a totally new direction of he wants! How exciting!
Okay, off to make some coffee. I went to sleep a little before 2am and I was up a little after 6am. Good times.
Friday, August 14, 2009
New start
As I have written before, my husband has type 2 Diabetes. He was diagnosed about a year ago and it has been a long journey since then. He finally found an endocrinologist that he likes and trusts. Yesterday we went to the doctor's dietician and got some really great information.
As I have also written before, I have been gaining weight and trying to get motivated to get moving and to change my eating habits. I am getting uncomfortable in my own body, which tells me it is the right time. I used to be pretty active. I was even active a few months ago, but I got off track and it has been hard to get back on. The truth is that I have always struggled with my weight and/or body image. I don't understand why I have been gaining weight so quickly recently. I swear there is something else going on (thyroid?) but when they check they say it is normal. So I will try my best and if things still don't change then I will talk to a doctor again.
So here we go...Vinnie and I will be working as a team to support each other and change our lifestyle. Our Lilly baby deserves two healthy, active parents.
It starts NOW!!!
As I have also written before, I have been gaining weight and trying to get motivated to get moving and to change my eating habits. I am getting uncomfortable in my own body, which tells me it is the right time. I used to be pretty active. I was even active a few months ago, but I got off track and it has been hard to get back on. The truth is that I have always struggled with my weight and/or body image. I don't understand why I have been gaining weight so quickly recently. I swear there is something else going on (thyroid?) but when they check they say it is normal. So I will try my best and if things still don't change then I will talk to a doctor again.
So here we go...Vinnie and I will be working as a team to support each other and change our lifestyle. Our Lilly baby deserves two healthy, active parents.
It starts NOW!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Fasting time?
What is wrong with me??? I need to stop eating. I have been a sweets/carb addict lately and now I feel so UGH! I may have to do a yeast fast. No white stuff. But I am not sure I can give up fresh fruit right now. It is the only time of year I eat it, basically. But the sugar/white flour may have to go for awhile. I am truly feeling like an addict right now. I know it stems from stress. Does not matter....being stressed does not give me the right to eat whatever/whenever/how much I want!!!
Now if only I could remember that...
Now if only I could remember that...
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