Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I think I can or I know I can?

I have spoken about trying to lose weight and eat better in this blog before.  It has not happened.  For various reasons that I could go on and on about, I did not lose, but gained weight.  I became out of shape, not in better shape.  I made poor food choices and blamed it on many outside things/forces/whathaveyous.
Little by little in recent months, I began to see what I looked like and did not like it.  Not necessarily because I looked bad, but because I felt like the extra weight was my costume so that I could hide.

I have tried weight loss programs in the past and I would be marginally successful.  There have been two times in my life that I was very successful in losing the weight: once in college and when I was pregnant and then gave birth.  The latter has the easy reason of having morning (noon & night) sickness until about 4 1/2 months.  I had a 2 week reprieve and then for the remainder of the pregnancy I still had aversions (Chinese food and yogurt - blech!) and the added pleasure of throwing up every day.  Until I delivered, basically.  Within 18 months I gained back all the weight I lost while I was pregnant and directly after.  And then some.

The previous time that I lost a lot of weight was when I just made a decision one day to live a healthy lifestyle.  I literally went to bed one day deciding to change the next day; and I did.  The problem was that I was ultra strict with myself and it was very sudden.  I know some programs (OA) can be like that, but you have the support then.  This was just me, on my own.  It did not last long because it was not sustainable.  At least not for me.  I did not want to watch other people eat birthday cake.  There is a lot more to that story, but that is a story for another day, maybe.

Okay so back to the past few months...  I started to see my weight as a costume or shield.  From what, I still have to figure out.  I also started to take responsibility for my weight.  Yes, there are lots of reasons that I could say, "I gained weight because..." but nobody force fed me.  I put the food in my mouth.  Most of the time I even bought the food that I put in my mouth!  There is a freedom in accepting that I did this because it also means that I can undo this.  My recent focus has been away from dieting and on healthy eating and living.  Eating healthier, finding relaxation techniques that work for me and exercising are becoming a priority in my life.

I have always secretly wanted to be a runner, but I could never really get there.  I can walk pretty darn fast, but running makes me want to puke.  But I want to!  I have researched running programs, tried to figure out how I could do this.  But I never took that figurative first step to becoming a runner.  Last week I started walking again.  I had started right before and in between both my hand surgeries but now I really have nothing in the way.  Today I started running, a little bit, just to see if I could.  I always think that I can't.  That I am not a runner.  Yet today, I just did it.  I stopped thinking and did.  I walked as needed, but then started again.  This was already after 20 minutes of walking, so I knew I was not going to injure myself.  I felt powerful and graceful and like I could be a runner.  That momentum carried me through my day.  It made making healthy choices easier.  It cleared a lot of fluff from my head.  I want to run more.
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