Thursday, January 22, 2015

What I miss

As much as I am relieved that I am no longer married, and that I am able to move forward in my life, there are some moments in which I remember what I miss.

It started innocently enough, when I absentmindedly tried to twirl my wedding ring. I have not worn a ring on my left hand in almost 10 months. So it seemed out of the blue that I suddenly realized it was not there. I started to panic, thinking that I forgot it, until I remembered that I no longer wear it. It no longer belongs on my finger. Frankly, I had not been wearing it all that regularly during the last several months before I moved out. It felt like a lie, wearing that ring. Looking at it would bring me to tears because it was given and received with hopes and dreams that were not realized.

Thinking about my ring led me down a train of thought that I do not often take. I wouldn't call it feeling sorry for myself. I was taking a look at my reality and how it makes me feel. Granted, it does not help that my would-be-wedding anniversary is approaching next week; the first since my divorce. Or maybe that was the original catalyst in all this.

I miss having a partner. I know, I know. I have not had a partner in years. I am not sure we ever were true partners. There were moments, but it was always an uphill battle. I was often lonely and felt alone. I always wanted a partner, someone I could lean on, and who could lean on me. It's hard, always being the strong one.

Yesterday Lilly had an issue in school. She was injured, by her own doing. She scratched her cornea throwing a ball in gym class. She is her mother's daughter, after all. Anyway, it was a bit of a stressful evening. She is fine now, but that Momma moment had already occurred. My mom helped a lot and was great. I am so grateful to my parents for all the help they give me all the time.

But. The realization that I am the person responsible for her weighed heavily on me. And it made me yearn for a partner. I still wish I had someone that could just hug me, hold me, tell me that it is going to be fine, that I did a good job being a mom that day.It would be so nice to have someone to lean on and into once in awhile. I still hope I'll have that one day...

p.s. I have been receiving texts from a few of my best friends letting me know that I can lean on them. I am incredibly grateful for my friends. Without them, I would not be standing as tall as I am today, for they surely have been holding me up this whole time.

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