pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

My time

Hey all!  I know I haven't been writing much.  I have had another writing project going on, that has kind of taken up my time.  It's exciting for me because it is a totally new project, but fits me well.  I wish I could be less vague about it, but the company prefers that I write as "the company" and not let myself be known, yet.

Plus, you know, life.  It gets busy around these months for teachers.

I've been in a fitness/weight loss slump.  But I feel the tides changing.  You know when you just get sick of feeling sick?  That is kind of how I feel right now.  I know that cutting dairy and sugar out/down makes me feel better.  I know that yoga makes me feel better.  I just gotta do it.  I really do, because I am so sick of feeling like this.  I just have to get over that hump.  You know the one I mean.  The one that tells you that you cannot, absolutely not live without candy.  Or doughnuts.  Or mac & cheese.  Or ice cream.  Or whatever it is that makes you feel oh so good when you take those first bites.  But truth?  I don't just take one bite.  Ever.  And another truth?  My tummy really hurts when I eat that shit.  My body starts to get achey.  I get tired and lethargic.  Like, too tired to do yoga or go for a walk, the very things that make me feel better.

Melanie, you are saying, you have told us this before.  Yeah, I know I have.  Such is the journey of life, my friends.  Sometimes we have to make mistakes a few (lots of) times before we get it.  I think this is my time....

Heading in the right direction...DOWN!

It has been more than a month since my last update on my weight loss journey.  I am still using the Lose It app and website, so that is where my updates occur more frequently.

Since mid-June:
I lost 22.8 pounds.
BMI went down 2.9 points which means I went down a class of obesity.

In my last post about this (see last update, above) I spoke about the stages of obesity.  Sadly, the previous link I had used to show this is no longer working.  Even sadder?  The CDC website has no information about the stages of obesity.  I am glad that I have been demoted, so to speak, to a lower stage.  I still have a long way to go.  My weight loss in September has been slower than I would have liked.  Considering I have gained in September, historically speaking, I am grateful for the losses I have seen.  I lost 3.4 pounds this month.  I could have gained; I could have stayed the same.  I lost!  Even with a plantar fasciitis/heel spur flare-up.  (ouch)  Oh, and I have had some very serious life events happening that also would have sent me to the bakery/fridge/you-name-it in the past.

I am changing my eating patterns.  I am changing how I view food.  I am changing my emotional response patterns.  I am showing myself respect and love by doing so.  See?  It all ties together!

More on weight loss...

Yesterday I wrote a blog post on weight loss.  Later that afternoon I happened to catch 15 minutes of Dr. Oz.  It was the episode about kicking your carb addiction.  He had on the stage three women who had all struggled with weight loss and carb addiction.  He showed them the fat that surrounds our organs and what a healthy and and an unhealthy pancreas looks like.  Dr. Oz then told them about a 28 day plan to kick the carb habit.  Seeing the organs and actual fat motivated me that much more to continue losing this weight.  It also helped me appreciate what I have done so far.

On another part of the weight loss spectrum I saw an article (of sorts) on iVillage entitled Why I Quit Dieting!  I say another part of the spectrum and not the opposite end because these women were not against losing weight, just against dieting.  I totally get that.  I need to make life changes, not quick fixes.

Reading about the journeys of the featured women led me to the website Health At Every Size.  I do agree with the movement's standpoint.  If you take their pledge, this is what you agree to:  Accepting and respecting the natural diversity of body sizes and shapes.  Eating in a flexible manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite.  Finding the joy in moving one’s body and becoming more physically vital.

I agree with all of that, for sure.  I also believe that I need to see cold, hard facts sometimes.  I was reading another article linked from the Dr. Oz show page about Treating Morbid Obesity through gastric bypass.  I am not going into that whole issue, but it did have some interesting information about the stages of obesity linked to BMI.  I copied the pertinent paragraphs below:


At this point, you have to ask what do the numbers mean? You are underweight if your BMI is less than 18.5. You are normal weight if your BMI is 18.5-24.9. You are overweight if your BMI is 25-29.9. You are obese if your BMI is over 30. Now, it does not end there.

All obesity is not created equal. There are different levels or stages of obesity. Stage I is 30-34.9, Stage II is 35-39.9 and Stage III is 40-49.9, and a BMI of 50 or greater is considered to be super obese. To put this in context, there is an obesity elevator and each stage is a new floor. An alarm bell should ring as you go up each floor to warn you that you are in danger. The higher the floor, the higher the stage, and the more your life is in danger.

I don't know about you, but I had never heard of those stages of obesity.  It was actually very helpful for me to see this.  Even when I was thinner I was considered overweight, BMI-wise.  I have been considered obese medically-speaking for ages.  It was rather easy for me to just see the obese label and not think about how obese.  I went to a website to calculate both my BMI before I lost the 15 pounds and now.  I have reduced my BMI by 2.1in 8 weeks.  That is awesome news!   I need to see those numbers.  I need that dose of reality.

Using the Lose It! app is necessary for me right now.  I know how to eat healthily.  I know what to eat and what a portion is.  But I was not doing it.  It is like any habit...once you get out of a good habit, it is hard to get back into it.  Bad habits are easy to stick to!  :)  I was not choosing the correct foods to fuel my body.  I was eating a lot of food but I had no energy.

What is my point after all this?  We all do what we need to do.  I am doing what I need to do.  I am so appreciative of the support I receive from everyone.  I am remembering to not judge foods.  Chocolate cake is not bad and salads are not good.  They are foods with different nutritional values.  I know that there will be days when I am in the mood for grilled chicken over salad and there will be days when I want chocolate chip cookies.  All of it is okay.  Only I can decide what is okay for me.

p.s  There is a an option to be "friends" on Lose it.  I don't really know what that entails but let me know if you are interested!

Just Lose It!!!

I entered the summer with a expectations that were just a tad unrealistic.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could lose 30 pounds.  Give or take.  Yes, I know, you are all shaking your head right about now.  I am smh at myself.   I just found out that smh = shaking my head.  Had to use it.  :)   The thing is, I had never really voiced those expectations.  I am sure if I had someone would have laughed corrected me.  I was not really saying anything to anyone because, well, I did not want to fail.  I hate failing, maybe more than anything.  How silly of me...I don't want to fail but I set expectations that would have been impossible to meet.  But I had mentioned to a few people that I wanted to take the opportunity of working in a structured, busy environment to start anew on my weight loss journey.

So the results are in...I lost 15 pounds from the beginning of camp.  Yay!!!  I ate healthier than I had been, was working outside and on my feet in the heat for 8 hours a day and walked a good bit.  So now here is where the real work is going to begin for me.  I am home for the next 3 weeks before the school year begins again.  I have lots of time to snack.  I am not sweating on my feet for 8 hours a day.  If I am hungry, there is food in my house, unlike camp where I brought my lunch and any snacks.  Even though I was cooking all day and even tasting small bites many times through the day, I did not eat what I was cooking all that much.

I know I have to move.  That is always a big part of weight loss for me.  I also know that I need to pack and bring my lunch to work.  I found a few lunches that worked for me this summer.  it can be a little boring, but I think that's actually a good thing for weight loss.

The big change I have made since I am home now is that I am diligently tracking all my food and exercise.  I had used this app before but then this summer it was more difficult because we were not allowed to use our cell phones during camp.  Plus I was taking lots of "tastes" but not full servings, so it was challenging.  The app I am using is Lose It.  I find that it is easy to use and I love that I can scan foods.  I have also put in some of my "usuals" in the recipe section so that instead of adding my coffee, cream and sugar separately I can just add my coffee for which I already measured and calculated everything.  Additionally, when I scan in, say 2 chocolate chip cookies, and I see that I just ate 160 calories, I am less inclined to grab a few more.  A cup of grapes for 62 calories versus 2 cookies for 160.  There is a reason why the author of the "Eat This Not That" cookbooks is doing so well.  I just needed to see it for myself.

Along with using the app I am measuring most things again.  Years and years ago I lost a lot of weight by measuring and writing it all down.  That is how I will do it again.  I know it might take me a long time and I might even have setbacks here and there.  That is just being realistic, and I really don't want to trick my mind into thinking I can lose all the weight by Christmas.  It's just not going to happen!

I know beyond a doubt, that this is a journey.  And I also know I have to be patient with myself and have realistic expectations.  And also, like a journey, there are twists and turns, valleys and mountains but I just have to continue along.

One more note... Whenever I am tempted to think that 15 pounds is nothing compared to what I need to lose, I remember what my BFF Michelle told me another time I was on WW.  I think of a 5 lb bag of sugar, even pick one up next time I am in the grocery store.  It's heavy!  That is a lot of weight that is no longer surrounding my organs!

Sleep...Why I don't and why I need to

Everybody knows how important sleep is to our health.  The amount and quality of sleep we get each night radically affects almost every aspect of our health, from our hearts to our weight to our mental health. Sleep deprivation causes a startling amount of car accidents each year.  In fact, the CDC reports that 1 in 20 adults has fallen asleep at the wheel.  I know there were many times when I was working several jobs or working and going to school at night when I was too tired to drive safely.  Yet I did anyway.

I am working on losing weight.  Again. Or maybe still.  However I phrase it, the end result is the same. I have been saying I was going to work on losing weight and I only gave it a little bit of a try.  Couple that with the foot injuries I have been battling and the extra weight has been hanging around like a bad penny.

I decided I need a holistic and more of a project approach to this.  By project I mean I need to be a good planner.  I need to plan what I am going to eat and when and also when I will exercise.  By looking at losing weight in a holistic manner I realized that I do not get nearly enough sleep!

There are many reasons why people don't sleep enough - they are working, doing housework, night owls, drink too much caffeine, and on and on.  I tend to do a lot of little things around the house after Lilly is asleep and then I unwind by fooling around on the computer or watching some television.  What does this mean?  I need to change several little routines so that I can make the bigger change of going to sleep earlier and waking up without being exhausted still.

Since I am working full time at a summer camp for 7 weeks, I think I will be forced to get enough sleep.  I know it will be exhausting! The person who came to speak to us from the camp's insurer even spoke about the dangers of sleep deprivation, as did the camp director.

With all that being said, I think part of it is that I just have to get myself into bed!  Easier said than done for this night owl....

How much sleep do you get per night?  What are some tips for getting a good night's sleep?

NC 2011

Last year Vin, Lilly and I drive to NC to visit my college bestie Michelle.  Michelle moved to NC at some point in college after her parents, gulp, moved there while she was studying abroad in Australia.  Where, by the way, she met her hubbie Jason.  I had visited over the years but have not done the drive since Lilly came along.  Last year we stayed in a hotel 1/2 way both on the way down and back.  This year we were road warriors!  We drove all the way down in 1 day!!  Lilly was an amazing traveller.  She seriously did not give us any trouble going or coming back.  We spent about a week there visiting and getting to know her little miracle baby Porter.  From the looks of him (picture to follow) you would never guess that he was 10 weeks early!  He is an amazing baby and has the sweetest disposition.

We decided to take it easy coming home and stay over in VA.  Well, thank goodness we did because it took us 5.5 hours to drive the 200 or so miles from NC to VA.  yikes!  Vin was so hardcore...doing ALL the driving and not even letting me drive a tiny bit.  I was the Lilly helper....food, drinks, snacks, DVDs, books, crayons and baby dolls.  I will add pictures when I can find my wire to download them to my computer.

Now that I have had my fill of BBQ....swoon...I am getting back on that same old, same old bandwagon.  Eating healthy and daily exercise starts tomorrow!  I know, I know....I say that all the time.  But seriously, I need to just fucking do it.  I am tired of not fitting into my cute summer clothes.  Plus, I have some super cute fall skirts that will look so hot (yet work-appropriate) with my boots!  Must. Lose. Weight.  And I really, really just want to feel better about myself and I know I do when I just get the job done.  It is not that I lose weight and feel better because I start to feel better a lot sooner than any weight loss occurs.  I feel better about myself when I exercise regularly.  And then I make better choices.  And then the weight loss occurs.  Or probably it all happens at the same time, but you get my drift.

I am sure this should have been 2 posts but it's not.  My blog, my prerogative.  Kinda like the random profanities...my blog.  So bite me.  :)

p.s.  I was never into the term "bestie" when used by people over say, 12, but it has grown on me.  I always feel that BFF was limited to 1 person whereas bestie may refer to a few people because really, who has just 1 BFF?

So, is this it?

Is this my actual bottom where I decide to lose weight once and for all?  I sure hope so because I do not feel like buying more clothes.  I have all the excuses in the world for having gained weight, many of them valid.  However, I need to stop the excuses to myself and be real.  I had given up the scale because I was being obsessive about it.  But then yesterday Lilly asked to weigh herself at my MIL's house.  Then she asked me to weigh myself.  I was not shocked, but duly alarmed at the number on that scale.  So I weighed myself on my own scale this morning.  The number, while not as scary as yesterday's, was higher than I would care to admit.

The time is here.  I am making a decision to eat better with less snacks and bringing my own lunch.  AND I MUST GET TO THE GYM!!!!  Seriously, it drives me nuts that I am not going, but every week there has been something.  As soon as I am feeling out of the woods from this crazy viral thing I have, back to the gym I go. If I have to go from work and pack my clothes in the car in the morning, then so be it.

You heard it hear first.

Acupuncture and me

I am so excited!  I had my first acupuncture session today.  I have wanted to try it for some time because I really do believe in it.  My new insurance is apparently very generous when it comes to out of network providers so I was just looking into it.  Imagine my delight when I found that there is an acupuncturist in Maplewood on Springfield Ave!  I gave her a call a few weeks ago and spoke to her at length.  She has space 2 days a week inside Shakti Yoga where I took prenatal and Mommy&me yoga.  (Man, I miss yoga!)  Because the first visit is so long I could not get in till today.

I had to fill out an extensive health questionnaire before hand that the practitioner and I went over in detail.  We discussed my asthma and allergies; digestive issues; menstrual issues; stress and my desire for weight loss.  She let me know that she can definitely help me with all of the aforementioned issues except weight loss.  Rather, weight loss could be a side effect of the other issues being corrected.  That was what I had figured, but I was happy for the clarification.  Some recommendations she made initially are to cut out dairy as much as possible for both the asthma and digestive issues; try to have gluten-free pasta instead of regular; cut out the diet soda; have a warm breakfast, like oatmeal; and to look into Dr. Weil's anti-inflamatory diet.  Apparently conditions like asthma cause the body to have inflammation on a cellular level and it is helpful to eat foods to reduce it/avoid it.

Most of the needles felt either like a prick or nothing as they went in (or came out) but 2 in particular stung a lot as they went in and as they came out.  During the session (about 45 minutes) I did not feel them at all.  In fact I went into a state of deep relaxation and almost fell asleep.  That feeling lasted most of the day.  Even when Lilly was having a meltdown I was able to keep my calm.  I know that this is not  necessarily going to last all week, but the feeling of calm was nice.  I know nice sounds kind of blah, but since my norm has recently been stressed and edgy, calm is really nice.

I am very hopeful that my allergies and asthma will improve.  I know that I have frequently mentioned in this blog (here and here and here for example) that I want to lose weight and change my diet.  I am hoping and praying that this is the time that I can make that commitment and stick with it.  Giving up diet soda...no problem.  Eating a warm breakfast...same, in fact, delicious!  Giving up dairy...oh lordy.  I have done it in the past and my digestive issues did get better.  I just LOVE cheese and ice cream.  I think that I could still have the cream in my coffee since that is minimal.  At least for the beginning.  I am not so keen on soy substitutes so I would just do without.  She did say that if I was going to have dairy I should try to have sheep or goat's milk.  I am not sure how I feel about that...but I am looking forward to my next session already!

Does anyone else use acupuncture or other complementary medicines?  Tell me!