Jello Memories

In my last blog post I wrote about making new memories.  I think one of the things I love most about making new memories with Lilly is how it often brings me back to my own childhood memories.  I am pretty darn lucky that my memories are so wonderful.  I know how blessed I am to have had such a childhood because I work with children who do not always have good memories.  Or their good memories are so far from how I define good that it saddens me.  While I know that my childhood was not perfect, I have very few bad memories.

Yesterday I was making jello with Lilly.  A few years ago I tried making it but she refused to eat it.  I ended up eating an entire pan of orange jello.  It was more than a little sickening.   She has now decided that she likes jello.  She picked out grape (hello, purple!) and raspberry lemonade or some such newfangled flavor.  She was very excited to make it with me.  I obviously stirred it initially since it requires adding boiling water, but then she helped stir the jello powder until it disolved.  We talked about how it would not be ready until tomorrow (today) which is why we made it at night.

Waiting is a hard thing for kids.  Scratch that, waiting is hard!   Lilly was pretty okay with it.  She understands what finished jello looks like so she knew that this was NOT finished.  Without telling her what I was doing, I got out a spoon and scooped a bit of the cooled jello mixture just before I put it in the fridge.  I told her that this is what Nanny used to do for me and I gave her a taste.  It brought me right back to 188 aka Nanny's house, where she would give me a little taste of the not-yet-ready jello from the fridge.  Watching Lilly's face light up at the taste of the warm liquidy goodness was fun.  Watching her smile as she thought of me as Nanny's little granddaughter was priceless.

And you know what?  Knowing that I look back and see the good memories gives me hope that Lilly, too, will someday look back and see only the good, and forgive me for my mom-mistakes.

Camp is over for the season

Lilly the mermaid

 The last day of camp was a stormy one.  There had been a few rainy days over the 7 weeks, but none as crazy as this one.  There were rivers of mud passing by my cabin.  The annual last day cookout was smack in the middle of the heaviest rain, so the campers ate in their cabins or other rainy day locations.  It was a bit hectic, to say the least!  But in true camp fashion, everyone made the best of it.

My view outside one part of my cabin.

It stopped storming in time for the closing bonfire, which I missed because I was cleaning up my kitchen for the winter.  There is a bittersweetness to the last day of camp.  We were all, counselors and campers alike I think, ready for a break, because it is hard work and tiring.  But then I was thinking of how much fun I had, the people I met, the campers I got to know and how much I learned this summer and it did make me a bit sad that camp is now over.  I am planning on going back next summer, though, so I will have a chance to do it all over again!

See you next summer!

Lilly, too, was sad when she realized that she would not be going to camp this week.  She cried for a few minutes after we got home.  But I think she is physically and mentally ready for the few weeks of a break that we have.  If only she would start sleeping past 6am!  

Last ride home on the bus - Queen Lilly!

I was able to visit Lilly's free swim on the day before camp ended because it was Carnival Day and I had no groups that day.  She was having a great time in the pool and you can see that she puts her head completely under water.  I had hoped she would really be swimming by the end of the 7 weeks, but for a multitude of reasons she was just not ready for that.

She had been completely submerged!

Happy camper!

The weekend that wasn't

Sunday night.  What is it about Sunday night that feels so rushed?  Hectic?  Like I forgot to do something everything, over the weekend?  I tend to feel like that a lot during the school year and I definitely did the first week or so of camp.  But then we kind of settled into our routine.  I need to remember so much for Lilly and myself every single day that Sundays were no big deal.

And then Lilly got sick.

Thursday night she had a fever, but no accompanying seizure, and seemed perky and fine in the morning.  I wished she would have been able to stay home, but Vin was out all morning trying to take care of some car issues.  Since she was happy and the fever was not being what I like to call pervasive (creeping up between ibuprofen doses) I let her go to camp.  I brought her to get a temp check after nap and it was completely normal.  By the bus ride home a few hours later I knew it was back.  We are the first to be dropped off on our bus route, and I was thanking God for that on Friday.  As soon as her backpack was off I checked her temperature under her arm...100.9.  And you add 1 to 2 degrees for the armpit measure.  I gave her ibuprofen and gave her an ice pop as a snack.  About 15 minutes later she was sitting on the couch between Vin and I and the seizure hit.  I had been waiting for it to happen.  I just knew she was going to have one, as much as I was trying to prevent it.  It was a short one...3 minutes or so, but it really took a lot out of her.  And me.

I am sure I don't need to say it but I will.  My weekend was shot.  We obviously cancelled our trip down for my Godson's birthday party.  I was as much concerned for Lilly as I was for my newborn niece and all the other children who would be in attendance.  Lilly was not herself all day.  The fever became the pervasive type where I had to piggyback the tylenol and advil.

Today she was a bit better but we were all tired.  I got some laundry and grocery shopping done.  But the laundry is in a basket, and will most likely remain there as we wear our camp clothes out of it each day.  I did not bring the camp groceries up to camp but I will have bags with me on the bus tomorrow.  I have lunch and breakfast stuff for Lilly and I for the week and dinner ingredients for a few days, at least.

And Lilly is okay.  As Dr. Mom my diagnosis is hand, foot, mouth.  I had heard that it was going around so I was not surprised when she told me that her mouth hurt this evening.  Sure enough she has the blisters in her mouth.  My poor bunny.  I am going to have Vin bring her to the doctor tomorrow just to confirm and rule out strep.  I never fool around with strep.  But as long as the advil is in her system she is peppy and twirling and dancing to her many movies and shows that she got to watch this weekend.

I am feeling rather like I want a weekend do-over.  Anyone else in with me?

My little camper

Lilly is having a great time at camp.  At the end of each day she is tired and dirty.  Isn't that the best indicator of a happy 4 year old camper?  Each group has a turn leading the camp in a song or doing a skit or dance at the end of day assembly.  Lilly's group went on Thursday and I happened to have my camera that day.  I cropped the other campers out for privacy reasons.  And bonus...she is so busy all day that her braids stay in ALL DAY!!
p.s.  Check out my other blog, too, for some of the recipes I am making with the campers.

Happy 4th Birthday Lilly!

Oh my, how time flies!  I cannot believe that it is the eve of my baby girl's 4th birthday.  We have been celebrating with her since Friday and that in itself is so much fun!  She is just so excited by LIFE that it makes my life more exciting, adds worth to my life.

I told Lilly an abbreviated and age-appropriate version of her birth story today.  I am kind of  happy that I can tell this curious girl that yes, the doctor did take her from my tummy!  She loved hearing it.   I had started telling her in order to distract her from being upset and it calmed her and made her smile and snuggle in to me.  I always loved hearing the story of how my parents had to rush to the hospital and I was born 4 minutes later.  Wait...you're not surprised that I would rush onto the scene like that were you??  Seriously though, I hope that Lilly loves to hear her story as much as I love hearing mine.

Stop & Stare was playing when Lilly was being delivered.

I think our birth stories are an integral part of who we are.  Even as she was growing in my womb I was beginning to know her and who she is.  She was always twirling around in there, as evidenced by the, ahem, 4 time nuchal cord!  And now...a skirt has to be twirly in order to make it into her wardrobe rotation.  The way she would dig her toes into my rib cage, thankyouverymuch, is what she did as she would lay next to me nursing in the wee hours of the morning.  Sometimes when she climbs into bed with me for an early morning snuggle she still digs her toes into my legs.

Besides the physical aspects, I think Lilly's personality was becoming apparent in the womb.  She always responded to the OM when I would practice prenatal yoga.  From a very young age I taught Lilly to take big breaths when she is upset.  She has even reminded me, "Momma, you need to take deep breaths."  I can hear her taking them on her own now, without a reminder.  Lilly can be extremely stubborn.  That became evident when she would always put her hands over her face during the 3D ultrasounds.  She just would not reveal herself!

And yet her sweetness and her sense of justice can be overwhelming to me at times.  She has such a beautiful soul.  People stop me everywhere we go and have, since she was an infant, to tell me how beautiful she is.  I think her soul just shines through her entire being.  My life without her would be dark indeed.

Nanny is at peace

As many of you now know, my Nanny passed away on December 31, 2011.  I believe she is at peace now, but I am still very saddened by her passing.  I know I am incredibly lucky to have had Nanny in my life as long, and to the extent, that I did.  Lilly is also so lucky to have had her in her life for 3 1/2 years.  I have a few poignant stories to share but I don't have the emotional energy to do so right now.

The wake and funeral are not for several days, so I am trying to compartmentalize my feelings right now because I cannot take the time from work until Monday.  It is actually more difficult than I had anticipated to go to work, especially since I am not sleeping so well at night.  But, I will get through it, in no small part to my supportive work friends.

As I re-read this I realized this might send limiting.  I don't intend it to be.  Work just has it's own particular challenges while I am actively grieving.  My friends have been so supportive over the past few days, and will continue to be through the hardest parts and beyond.  Some of my closest friends also called her Nanny, and thought of her in that way.  The lovely part of that is that Nanny considered them (my friends) to be her own, too.  She loved being called Nanny and told all of our friends to call her that.  "I'm everybody's Nanny.  Anyone who needs or wants a Nanny.  That's me."

Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.
xoxo always Nanny!

This is how I will remember Nanny most...vibrant, loving and laughing.
Nanny & Lilly

My daughter is amazing

Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of my daughter as the adult she might become.  In those moments, I know, deep in my heart, that we are doing a good job as parents.   Read on for tonight's moment.

I have mentioned in past blog entries, my Nanny is closer and closer to passing away.  At this time she is in a hospice center and my mom is there with some of her siblings.  Tonight as I was putting Lilly to bed I told her we had to say special prayers for Nanny and MumMum.  I reminded her that Nanny was very sick and old and her heart does not work so well anymore.  When she asked if Nanny was going to get better soon I told her that Nanny would be going to heaven soon to be with the angels.  As I was telling her this, I started to cry.  Lilly said, "Oh Momma, the angels will take care of Nanny." And then I cried harder.  Lilly popped up and said, "Hold on Momma (pointing her finger in the air) I am going to go get you some toilet paper to wipe your eyes."  She came back a few minutes later and wiped my eyes with the toilet paper.  I was so touched by her compassion and tenderness that I let her do this.  And then we said our prayers for Nanny and MumMum and my whole family.

I am so blessed to have a daughter who, at 3 1/2 years old, is so compassionate, empathetic and loving.

Finally, the follow-up

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts as we awaited the results of all of Lilly's tests.  It has been a challenge to even get an appointment with the doctor.  As it is, I had to reschedule a court date, so I will need to take a day from work anyway.  grr....but I digress.

Without further ado, the tests only showed one "unusual activity" period of 2 seconds in the whole 48 hours.  This could be nothing or it could be the beginning of a seizure disorder.  If she is going to have another seizure without a fever it will in all probability be in the next 6 months.  So we wait and see.  We have a new prescription for diazepam to be administered if she has a seizure longer than 5 minutes.  She will have it with her at all times.

I think that this was probably the best of all answers.  There were not many episodes that would indicate that she has epilepsy.  I definitely feel that it was worth my time and effort and her discomfort in having the testing done.  I trust the doctor implicitly, which I cannot say about the last neurologist.  I know from talking to him and to the other mom I met that he is aggressive in both testing and treatment.  So if he does not think that Lilly needs medication right now, I am confident in that decision.

Thank you again for all your kind thoughts and notes.  It has been a challenging time for my family as my Nanny is in her final stages of her life.  I am praying for a peaceful passage for her into the next life.

I had the day off!

Yeah, so I have not been doing that great about blogging every day about thankfulness.  However I have been trying to remain cognizant of being in a mood of thankfulness this month.

Over the past few days I have been thankful for:
3 days off from work this week
Lilly's sense of humor
Lilly's affection and snuggliness
chocolate
health insurance
especially the mental health benefits
my therapist
a clean house


There is something else on my mind this night and that is the Penn State scandal.  I am sickened by the fact that children were harmed and nobody did the right thing.  In their avoidance, the behavior was allowed to continue. I don't know all the details of the case, but my heart breaks for those boys and their families.

Here I am...

...at midnight AGAIN!  It was a rough day.  Lilly, who was ill,  vacillated between cheery, sweet and snuggly to cranky, hitting, pinching and basically wretched.  I probably could have used a glass of wine tonight, if I was prone to such a thing.  The good thing is that I was able to see my friend for an hour alone, sans children!  This may be miraculous.  And seriously necessary today for both of us.

My husband was home but doing his job search stuff while I was home and then at the store during the big meltdown of mom.  Which left me to handle Lilly's ups and downs.  I did not handle them with the aplomb that I wish I had.  I wish that I was able to report to all my readers that I was able to implement all of my positive behavior supports (PBS) and things went swimmingly.  I would be lying.  I actually wrote a whole other post about my feelings about how I handled things today but I am not sure I am courageous enough to post it yet.  Suffice it to say I apologized to Lilly for losing my temper and we were both in tears at one point tonight.  It brought to mind the original reason I was started this blog.  I was just getting so damn overwhelmed!

I am a teacher, yes.  But I also identify myself as a learner.  I have to remember and remind myself that parenting has a big learning curve and it is something that we learn as we go along.  I have to be kind to myself.  Sometimes it is just so fucking hard.

Wordless Wednesday

I just love this picture of Lilly. She is so happy and wearing her princess gear from a party she had attended.

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Wordless Wednesday

Lilly takes good care of her baby dolls.

life got too personal...

I was on such a good blogger wave, blogging away about all aspects of life.  And then the proverbial shit hit the fan.  My hubby was laid off from his job in the beginning of August.  I really try to be as truthful as possible in my blogging and, because we were not ready to share that information yet, I had to abstain.

It will actually work out well right now.  Last semester was his 1st in college and as 1st semesters go, it was a good one but tough.  I was not sure if he was really feeling ready to tackle this fall semester.  Since he no longer has a job he is tackling it full force.  He will still be going part time at night, but I know that he is taking it seriously.  He has been home with Lilly the past 2 weeks while I started back at work.  Just call him Mr.Mom.  Does it make me sad that I am not the one at home with her?  Of course!  But I also know that she is in good hands and it is a wonderful opportunity that Vin has to spend this kind of time with her.  Already I am seeing a change in how she interacts with him and it makes my heart smile.  Next week Lilly will be going back to daycare 2 days a week.  Vin needs the time to get his resume in order and do homework and job searches and it will be good for Lilly to have that social interaction.  She is a bright, active and social little girl and she enjoys school.  

I am back in the throes of the school year.  Wow, is it different than my last position.  I love the people with whom I am working, what I am doing and the town where I am doing it.  Hoboken is such a unique place...it is really indescribable.  The parking is terrible and right now I have to move my car every 4 hours.  Hopefully I will be able to buy a parking permit (to the tune of $300!) so I can at least park for the day.  Also, being so close to NYC I have to leave my house by 7am to get there and parked by 8:20. 

Not only do I love what I am doing but I am so lucky to be starting off the school year in NJ with a job.  So many of my fellow teachers had been laid off in June and still do not have jobs.  I have a job with amazing health benefits and a decent salary.  

Here is a recent picture of Lilly & I.  

I think this post is long enough.  I have other thoughts to share about my exercise routine, weight loss, and my summer travels.  They can wait for another day.  

Lilly I Am?

Let me set the scene for you.  Lilly is obsessed with the Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham, having us read it to her every night at least once.  She knows all of it, forward and backward.  Next, Vinnie had purchased a small bag of Sour Patch Kids and I had given Lilly the last few in the bag.  

Lilly asked me if the white stuff in the bag was snow and I said, "No it is sourish sugar."  She proceeded to lick the sour patch kid and dip it into the sugar and eat it.  Needless to say, she loved it.  She then offered one to me...a pre-licked, dipped sour patch kid.  I politely declined because, frankly, the only time I really liked sour patch kids was when I was pregnant with Lilly.  She then said, "Here Mommy, try it, you'll like it.  Try it and you may I say."  

How could I turn that down?  And you know what, I did so like that sour patch kid!

A sigh of relief

We had the neurologist appointment to find out the results of all the studies that were done a few weeks ago.  Everything came back completely and wonderfully normal!  She has simple febrile seizures and we just have to stay on top of any rise in temperature, as little as it may be.  Thank you everyone for the thoughts, prayers and well wishes.

Lilly and her cats

So my cats pretend as if they do not want anything to do with Lilly.  I think this picture shows otherwise.

A Lilly year in review

Since January 1, 2009 Lilly has learned to:

cruise
walk
climb
say Mama, Dada and now hundreds of other words
pretend play with her baby & kitchen
use some sign language
appropriately say Please and thank you (and now says welcome)
pick out what book she wants to read
"read" her books on her own
communicate many of her needs & wants
trust her daycare caregivers
make friends
give hugs and kisses
play independently for a few minutes
run

Wow! I might add to this list as things occur to me. I love you sweet baby girl! I can't wait to see what you learn this year!

catching up...again

Phew...I have not written in so long because my life has just been, well, hectic, crazy, overwhelming... Need I say more? So here is the long and short of it. I am fully entrenched in work now and it is good. It challenges me and I challenge my colleagues. I challenge them to look a little differently at how they have been doing things. My supervisors have told me that one of the reasons I was hired was because they believed that I could help shake things up. So, I am, slowly but surely.

Lilly has been doing so well in daycare. Really, it has been more than I could ever hope for. Basically the entire month of November she was there full time (not 3 days a week) because my mom was sick. That seemed to have gotten her in the groove. She does not cry during drop off or pick up, but goes right in, waves and blows kisses to Vin and starts to play. I can't really ask for anything more. The only thorn is that it seems as if she has been constantly sick! I am actually home with her today because of a fever/cough. Poor bunny girl.

Vinnie and I have had our struggles as we have adjusted to the changes from me being a SAHM to a working mom. Adding in the last semester of grad school never makes things easier. :) It has not been easy, but I truly believe that our struggles are bringing us closer and helping us grow as a couple and as individuals.

I will be finished with graduate school next Thursday. WHAT??? How can that be? It is not real yet. I am not sure when it will be. Because I am involved in a federal grant with my graduate advisor (very cool thing!) I will still be doing some work for that through the middle of January. But, I am not stressed by that. I have 2 big things due next Thursday and then I will be finished!! Unbelievable. I have had so much support through my grad school experience. I could not have done it without them.

And I now have a chance to support Vinnie as he starts his journey in college. I am so incredibly proud of him as he enters Union County College this January. He is going to do great!

I have 2 goals for myself over the next few months. #1 is to lose the weight I have gained in the past 6 months. Grad school and then starting work has really killed me in that regard. But I am committed to getting healthy again, and healthier than I was before. #2 Is to get started as a Developmental Interventionist in Early Intervention. I will hopefully have updates on that in the next few months...

Lilly is calling for me from her crib so that is my exit cue. I am really hoping to keep up with this blog and develop it more in the next few months. Watch for it!

childcare woes

I am having a really hard time coming to grip with Lilly going to daycare. I know that it needs to be done. I think she will do great and have fun. But I want to be the one to care for her, teach her, and snuggle with her all day long. I don't want to leave her all day long, plus 2 nights when I have school. I know that I need to work. I also know that watching an active toddler is a tough job and that Lilly will benefit from the social interaction. I can still be upset about it. And I am. :(

Puppy Love

Lilly loves her cats and my mom's dogs. Here she was trying to brush Mickey. A few minutes later she took a towel and placed it over him like a blanket. So sweet!