I wish that I could think of something witty and funny to write tonight.  Instead all I can think about is how I lost my temper with my little girl.  She refused to clean up her toys.  I was doing all the right things and saying all the right things and she still would not even pick up one stupid toy.  And then I yelled.  And predictably, she yelled back and then cried and still refused to pick up her toys.  This went on for a few minutes...me yelling, her crying and still not cleaning and all the while I am.  Somehow we both calmed down and she started to clean up her toys with me.  This kind of thing does not happen that often in our house, but I hate when it does.  I feel terrible.  I wish that I could turn back the clocks and make a better choice.  What would I have done?  I would have sat on the couch and not made the popcorn or put the movie on.  It was raining and that was our after nap treat.  I would have sat there calmly and quietly until she realized that we had to clean the toys first.

She told me later, after I apologized, that I need a squishy ball to squeeze instead of yelling.  Oh, the wisdom of a 3 year-old...

THE CRANKY AWARDS!!

And the winner of cranky person of the week goes to.....(insert drumroll)  Oh it's a tie!  Lilly and Momma are equally cranky!  Poor Lilly was a dreamboat the entire trip to, while in and home from NC.  Like serious angel action occurred.  But being back home in her own environment is making her nutty and me equally so.  At one point today I apologized to her for losing my temper and yelling.  She told me, "That's okay Momma.  Next time you have to think like a Tucker Turtle and tuck and take deep breaths and think."  Yeah, my 3 year old is so using PBS on me.  ....sigh....Does that mean it is sinking in for her??

Here I am...

...at midnight AGAIN!  It was a rough day.  Lilly, who was ill,  vacillated between cheery, sweet and snuggly to cranky, hitting, pinching and basically wretched.  I probably could have used a glass of wine tonight, if I was prone to such a thing.  The good thing is that I was able to see my friend for an hour alone, sans children!  This may be miraculous.  And seriously necessary today for both of us.

My husband was home but doing his job search stuff while I was home and then at the store during the big meltdown of mom.  Which left me to handle Lilly's ups and downs.  I did not handle them with the aplomb that I wish I had.  I wish that I was able to report to all my readers that I was able to implement all of my positive behavior supports (PBS) and things went swimmingly.  I would be lying.  I actually wrote a whole other post about my feelings about how I handled things today but I am not sure I am courageous enough to post it yet.  Suffice it to say I apologized to Lilly for losing my temper and we were both in tears at one point tonight.  It brought to mind the original reason I was started this blog.  I was just getting so damn overwhelmed!

I am a teacher, yes.  But I also identify myself as a learner.  I have to remember and remind myself that parenting has a big learning curve and it is something that we learn as we go along.  I have to be kind to myself.  Sometimes it is just so fucking hard.