pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

Letting it go

Long hair (after being done at the salon)

I cut my hair last  week.  I had been thinking about it for so long that I was not sure I would have the nerve to do it.  I have been growing my hair long, and then cutting it short, and then growing it long again for my entire life.  It will be long for a couple years, and then short for a couple years.   This time I was really loving it long.  Except when I didn't.

I resorted to the ponytail almost daily.  And no matter what my beautiful co-workers think, this hair just does not get the same kind of body that their stunning Latino hair gets.  But the main thing was the ponytail.  I hate putting it in every day, but it is so darn convenient.  Sweaty? Ponytail.  Late for work?  Ponytail.  Too humid or not humid enough?  Yup...in a ponytail.  Even if I started the day with gorgeous hair, by mid afternoon it was up in a ponytail.

Yet something was keeping me from cutting my hair, and I had a difficult time figuring it out.  To be honest, I am not 100% sure I get it now.  I just became attached to my long hair.  I was feeling that it defined me somehow.  When I saw pictures of myself I thought it made me look prettier or younger.  Or both.  But it was not just that.

Maybe it hid me.  I feel more vulnerable with short hair.  More "out there" or something.  My neck is literally out in the open, exposed.  I get noticed more.  Attention to my physical attributes makes me feel anxious.  I have worked hard at accepting compliments.  Truthfully?  I still don't always believe them.  I always want to attach a qualifier to the end.  Kind of like this: Mel, you look beautiful!  Thank you, even though I still need to lose a lot of weight.  Obviously I don't say those things out loud.  But I think them.  And it sounds really loud in my head.

The realization of how attached I was to my hair coupled with the reason behind it helped propel me to the decision to go under the scissors.  I was even brave enough to go to someone who was in training at my salon.  gulp.  Every step was cleared by a senior stylist, so I was not too nervous.  I am really happy with my hair cut and with what I look like right now.  Every once in a while I get a small flashback thought of my long hair.  Most of the time, I am loving the short cut, even if my neck is out there just a bit more.

Ta-Da!!  The short hair.