Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Letting it go

Long hair (after being done at the salon)
I cut my hair last  week.  I had been thinking about it for so long that I was not sure I would have the nerve to do it.  I have been growing my hair long, and then cutting it short, and then growing it long again for my entire life.  It will be long for a couple years, and then short for a couple years.   This time I was really loving it long.  Except when I didn't.

I resorted to the ponytail almost daily.  And no matter what my beautiful co-workers think, this hair just does not get the same kind of body that their stunning Latino hair gets.  But the main thing was the ponytail.  I hate putting it in every day, but it is so darn convenient.  Sweaty? Ponytail.  Late for work?  Ponytail.  Too humid or not humid enough?  Yup...in a ponytail.  Even if I started the day with gorgeous hair, by mid afternoon it was up in a ponytail.

Yet something was keeping me from cutting my hair, and I had a difficult time figuring it out.  To be honest, I am not 100% sure I get it now.  I just became attached to my long hair.  I was feeling that it defined me somehow.  When I saw pictures of myself I thought it made me look prettier or younger.  Or both.  But it was not just that.

Maybe it hid me.  I feel more vulnerable with short hair.  More "out there" or something.  My neck is literally out in the open, exposed.  I get noticed more.  Attention to my physical attributes makes me feel anxious.  I have worked hard at accepting compliments.  Truthfully?  I still don't always believe them.  I always want to attach a qualifier to the end.  Kind of like this: Mel, you look beautiful!  Thank you, even though I still need to lose a lot of weight.  Obviously I don't say those things out loud.  But I think them.  And it sounds really loud in my head.

The realization of how attached I was to my hair coupled with the reason behind it helped propel me to the decision to go under the scissors.  I was even brave enough to go to someone who was in training at my salon.  gulp.  Every step was cleared by a senior stylist, so I was not too nervous.  I am really happy with my hair cut and with what I look like right now.  Every once in a while I get a small flashback thought of my long hair.  Most of the time, I am loving the short cut, even if my neck is out there just a bit more.
Ta-Da!!  The short hair.

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