pre-wedding jitters

I'm in a wedding next week.  Yay! for my sweet sister-in-law and her awesome hubby-to-be.  But holy GAH!  I am not feeling ready to be in my very cute dress.  You'd think that I would have considered this, oh, maybe a year ago.  In all fairness, I did actually consider it, but the actual doing-something-about-it did not happen so much.  I have had a few false starts.  I have had some very real challenges, like thyroid stuff, that does not help matters.  I have had a lot of chocolate.  And bread.  I love bread.

But truly, I feel this past year, as I move closer to (gulp) 40, I have spent time getting to know me a little bit better.  I know, I know...I only turned 38 this year.  But hear me out.  I have spent time doing yoga, meditating, and really contemplating my future, and where I am going.  I have spent true quality time with my little girl.  I worked at a summer camp that I love.  I have been blessed to get to know friends better.  There are other things, too, that I have learned about myself.  Private-ish things, but all good.  All leading me to where I am today.  It is a good place to be, feeling more confident about yourself.

About a week ago, when I realized that the wedding was in 2 weeks, I started to panic a bit.  But then I stopped myself and told myself that #1. I will not be the center of attention and #2. I am okay good the way I am.  And then I would google juice fast and lemonade diet to see if they were feasible.  Are they?  Just kidding.  Kind of.  And just as quickly I would tell myself ENOUGH.  Seriously.  This is insane.  I have spent so much time trying to accept myself where and how I am but those thoughts that I need to weigh less or look thinner are still sneaking in there.  It's maddening, actually.

So just for tonight, I will be okay where I am.  And I will wonder when "Give a shout out" became popular again while I watch the Emmys.

ew.

Above my kitchen sink.

You might wonder what that insect is.  I certainly did when it appeared in my kitchen this evening.  It is such a beautiful night afternasty humidity all week that we opened the back door to let the breeze in.  And apparently the icheumonoidea.  The insect with a name as long as its tail.  That, by the way, does not sting humans, but is used to insert its eggs into another living insect.  Lovely.  I have never seen anything like it, and really hope that it was the last I will ever see.

I zoomed in.  That long line is its tail.

And....dead in the kitchen sink after being wacked by my flip flop and sprayed by Method counter spray.  It kind of made me wish for toxic chemicals.  

Peace

This morning on our way to school, Lilly and I prayed the rosary for peace.  I felt called to do so last night as I was watching President Obama's speech about Syria.  When I am driving to school, I am basically driving as close to NYC as I can get without going through a tunnel.  Hence, I see the Empire State Building and the Freedom Tower every day.  This year I explained to Lilly in the most simplistic (age-appropriate) way possible why there is a Freedom Tower.  We include the people who keep us safe in our  nightly bedtime prayers.  It is never, ever an easy thing to discuss violence with our chidlren, but I believe it is as important as it is hard to do.

It takes a lot longer to say the rosary with a 5 year old, but I believe those prayers...those of our children...are heard loudest of all. Her vision of peace is most likely a lot different than mine.  But doesn't it start with our 5 year olds?  If our 5 year olds do not have peace in their lives, I cannot see how they can grow up to be peaceful adults.

So today, and every day, let us PRAY for peace.  Let us TEACH peace.  Let us ACT peacefully.  And let it begin with ourselves.  And our little ones.

My baby is in kindergarten!

Lilly's 1st Day of Kindergarten.  

I feel like Lilly should be entering preschool for the first time, or even just learning to walk.  But instead she has begun kindergarten.  Her journey of learning has just taken a huge leap.  I remember when she was a baby and people would say that time flies, and that she'll be grown before I know it.  Well, they weren't lying.  There are some days when I just cannot believe it.  It feels like yesterday that she was in my womb, sticking her toes in between my ribs.  (I can still feel that spot sometimes!)  

Ocean Grove, NJ

That's why sometimes I just need to take a day off; get off this crazy ride we call life.  I took Lilly down the shore.  One day.  One day was what I absolutely, positively needed, though more would have been nice.  We both needed to feel the sand between our toes, the waves washing over us, hearing them crash against the shore.  It was seriously one of the best days of my life with Lilly.  Lilly is her mother's daughter, in her love of the shore.  (Yes, in NJ we go to the shore.)  I had to drag her from the ocean to drink non-salty water.  She was completely covered in sand when she was out of the water.  She was riding waves in.  "I'm bodysurfing, momma!"  We took our time going there in the morning.  We stayed on the beach until we got to hungry for dinner.  It was just...the best.

Moments before she dashed off to the surf.

I promise she was smiling.  It was super bright!