blah

I know I am getting my period anytime now, and this is the most likely culprit for this feeling. I am just feeling so fat and blah. I tend to keep those feeling inside and kind of just let them live. I was thinking that maybe if I got it out in the open (like on here) it can help me let those feeling go. I have struggled with these feelings as far back as middle school age and especially high school. Even in college, there were times that I worked really hard and got in good shape...and I still felt like this. It is kind of like this...no matter what my body actually looks like, I have a picture in my head of what it looks like. Most of the time I have a realistic picture in my head, but sometimes this other picture takes it place. And when it does, it affects my whole outlook. And of course then I want to eat cupcakes. :)

So really this was about just letting those feelings go. I am acknowledging that I am feeling like this, but not giving it any credibility. I am doing the best I can right now. It may not be enough to lose weight, but it is what I can do right now.

Now that I have a daughter I really want to get a handle on these feelings. I have read several books over the years about how young girls are affected by what their moms and other women in their life say about their own bodies.

Marriage vows...

I was recently reading a blog, which I will hopefully find again, and it was discussing the meaning of our marriage vows. I really feel like I need to meditate on the meaning of my vows right now. Because lately, I just want to say, well, it is not nice to say what I want to say. And obviously it is not all his fault or all my fault. A lot of it is circumstantial...finances are tight; school is really rough right now; I am no longer on the breast feeding period hiatus which means my hormones are going a bit nutty; he has not been feeling 100% and we have a very active toddler who is testing her limits and boundaries right now. So I will say a little prayer tonight. Or maybe a big one. And tomorrow I am going to print out my wedding vows so that I can meditate on the meaning behind them.

Marley & Me

Last night I finally watched Marley & Me. It was as sad as people said it would be. But it was also uplifting in some ways. I thought that it portrayed married life and parenthood really well. I have had those same arguments with Vinnie. I have wished the same things as a SAHM.

There are times when, even though I want to be home, I also wonder why I chose this. Of course, now as I am looking for jobs for September I am sad that I will not be a SAHM. At this point, I have stayed home with Lilly for over a year and financially I need to work. When I look at my priorities, being able to pay bills has to be up there. Eventually we want to buy a house. We also want to have more children. Hopefully I will be able to stay home with any subsequent children for a little while, at least.

I know that the working mom vs. SAHM debate is an old one. I just never thought I would have it with myself!

summer nights

On Thursday I went for a walk after dinner with Lilly. It was a hot, humid day so I had waited until the sun was going down. As I was walking I was brought back to summer nights of my childhood by the mere scent wafting on the warm breezes. It was a combination of honeysuckle, other fragrant flowers and maybe OFF bug spray. There was a movie in the park that night, so there were plenty of people walking around and kids playing. I was remembering catching fireflies with my brothers, watching the bats swooping around with my parents and going to sleep-away camp every summer. Sweet summer memories!

Welcome Connor James!

My brother Matthew and his wife Kelly just welcomed Connor James into this world on July 10, 2009. 9 lb 15 oz 22 inches long with a big head of black hair. I was hoping to post a picture with this but I lost my camera a few weeks ago. We drove up to Saratoga Springs for the day to see him. Holding a newborn is just one of the most glorious feelings in the world.

As a side note, Lilly did so well in the car...4 hours in the morning and 3 1/2 in the afternoon. Amazing!!

*edited to add pictures.