Monday, May 10, 2010

Colliding emotions

Singing Happy Birthday to Lilly with my hubby
Pops throws Lilly "Up, Pop, Up"
Traditionally, May is an extremely busy month for me.  Vinnie's birthday starts off the festivities on April 26th.  Lilly comes next on May 7th followed by my birthday on May 9th.  This year my birthday happened to be on Mother's Day.  Lilly's birthday party was the 8th and then we celebrated Mother's Day and my birthday at my parents' house on the 9th.  I was a little bummed because Vinnie was in immense pain on Mother's Day and was not really able to do for me what he had planned (breakfast in bed and letting me sleep in).  He ended up needing an emergency root canal today - poor guy!  

Watching Lilly grow up is just amazing for me.  I am loving it, even if some moments are more stressful than others.  I really want another baby but I am also making sure I enjoy this time with her.  It is a wonderful journey.  But it is bittersweet, isn't it, to watch our babies grow up before our very eyes?

Coming off the high of a celebratory weekend I was not feeling well this morning and took 1/2 a sick day.  I went into work for noon and remembered that I had a staff meeting.  The atmosphere at work has been so tense as people wait to hear if they will have a job next year or not.  Staff meetings tend to bring out the worst in people during these times.  At the end of today's meeting my director asked me to stay after and that I would be called down when it was time.  It was just myself and one other co-worker who started with me.  We knew what that meant.  I could write on about how the letting go was approached and the insensitivity of the director of HR, but really that does not matter.

What matters is that I will not have this job in this district next year.  Relationships I have carefully cultivated with the preschool center directors, teachers and other staff will no longer be.  My little office space will be cleaned out in June and someone else's pictures will be put up next September.  Or maybe not.  The people I work with tend to keep their personal lives separate from work.  I have never been great with that.  I have pictures of Lilly and Vinnie posted on my bulletin board at eye level.  Because the truth is that my family comes first before anything else.

I knew that this was the most likely scenario for me because of the budget cuts in NJ and the fact that I am a leave replacement.  But you know what?  It really is not helpful when people say, "Oh you knew it was coming."  Yes, I was not taken by complete surprise but it is still sad and still puts me in the position of looking for a job for next year in a very unstable economic climate in education.

I do have an interview later this week and I am SOOO excited about it.  I am also going to look into teaching online college classes.  Vinnie suggested I try to blog more and see what I can do with it.  I know I will be okay and I am grateful for the experience.

My sadness has collided with my excitement and happiness over Lilly's birthday.  I will not let it take away from it, but it will take a bit to recover.

Thanks for all the support...
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