Transitions

I've been asked a few times recently about when I was going to write something new.  I wasn't sure.  I am still not sure why I haven't really written since Thanksgiving.  A busy life is one answer, but not the complete truth.  I just was not inspired to write about anything in particular.  Or maybe I had too many topics from which to choose?   My life was in flux.  

My husband started a new job.  This was HUGE.  It has been so great for all of us.  But change, even when it is positive, is tricky.  Responsibilities and expectations have to be adjusted.  Who is doing Lilly drop-off, pick-up?  Who has to stay late, go in early or has an appointment?  Who is doing the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry?  After he was home for 2 1/2 years, this was just one big giant transition.  Again...good problems to have, but mentally, they wiped me out!

I have not even posted about Christmas!  It was a wonderful Christmas and Lilly loved everything about it.  We had fun with Sha-la-la, our Elf on the Shelf.  We have been to tons of birthday parties for Lilly's classmates.  We bought a new car!  

Our elf Sha-la-la visited our gingerbread house.

One thing that haunts me a bit, because I have written about it so many times, is my stalled weight loss.  I am still having issues with the plantar fasciitis which makes walking, my preferred form of exercise, darn near impossible.  I have to walk for my job, so I do that.  But to exercise before or after work is daunting.  If I had an elliptical or bike I think I would be okay, and swimming, as always, would be amazing.  But I do not have those options right now.  

I had decided that I was not going to beat myself up about eating and enjoying cookies or other food over the holidays.  And I didn't.  What good is eating a cookie if I was going to beat myself up after?  And I baked lots of cookies!  I tried all of them.  That would have been a lot of negative feelings.  

A sampling of the cookies and fudge I made for friends and family.

Additionally, I was found to have low thyroid and put on some medication.  I had gained about 10 of the pounds back that I had lost since June.  I had noticed the weight gain at the same time I noticed the other symptoms that sent me to my doctor.  In my head I had really believed that the weight would come off when I started the medicine.  Yeah, that hasn't happened.  Meanwhile, I have been eating so much healthier since the holidays ended.  I was actually so sick of sugar by New Year's Eve that I considered giving it up completely!  I keep waiting to lose the weight again, but it doesn't want to go anywhere right now.

I have blogged about losing weight so much that I was feeling embarrassed about not only not losing more weight but gaining weight.  It weighed on me.  No pun intended.  

Well, I am back.  I am me.  I have been working really hard, personally, to not let my weight and size define me.  I have let it for for too long.  That goes for my writing and blogging, too.  It is part of what I write about, but not the only thing.  Do I want to be healthier?  Yes.  Do I want to set healthy eating examples for Lilly?  Hell yeah!  But I am not going to wait to lose weight before writing and blogging again.  Welcome back to me!!  

Mondays

I am very overwhelmed today.  Lilly cried a lot.  She was not comforted by nursing or by being held.  I started thinking it was me.  I raised my voice when I was speaking to her.  Then I was so mad at myself for doing that.  For goodness sake she is only a baby!  The guilt!!  

I realized that I have been feeling more overwhelmed than usual.  I have gained weight.  I am just not so happy.  I am freaking exhausted.  I think that starting school, the baptism and Lilly teething all kind of combined to make it a very stressful time for me.

The question is, now what do I do?  Do I call my midwives to see if they can test my thyroid levels?  A common complaint about this time postpartum is hypothroidism.  I know "they" say to not feel alone and that you did not cause it.  But gosh darn it, it sure feels lonely over here, and like I get the award for Bad New Mom of the Year.

update:  I actually felt better only a few days later.  I cried on the shoulder of one of my great friends and veteran mom, Nicole.  She assured my that I was completely normal.  I got some sleep, somehow.  I prioritized a bit.  I let go of my need for that "A".  I realized that I probably gained weight for a few reasons, one of which is that I am actually eating.  I did not eat properly almost all summer!  I forgot to eat half the time.  No matter I was so thin!  Now I just have to work on losing it again...healthily.  Oh, and I had my thyroid checked and it was normal.