Sunday, October 23, 2011

my conundrum

I have a conundrum.  I want to have another child.  I want Lilly to have a sibling, one who is close-ish in age to her.  I would have liked that a year or two ago but it was not the right time.  Now is not the right time either.  Nor will it be for the foreseeable future.  There are very real and valid reasons why we should not have another baby right now.  I know some people say there are no good times, but this is really the opposite of a good time.

Somehow, someway, knowing this does not stop the yearning.  Why does this not stop?  Why can't my heart take a hint from my brain and stop wanting things it cannot have right now?  I think part of it is wanting that sibling for Lilly; knowing how important it was for me and other people I know to have the sibling relationship.  I think part of it is straight up biology.  I am 36.  That clock ticks loudly, and it is not always a pleasant, soothing tick tock.  More like a gong announcing,  TICK TOCK biatch...GET GOING HERE!    And really, I think a big part of it is that we cannot separate our hearts and minds in that way.  They are intricately entwined and that is what makes us human.

Sometimes I just wish I could flip a switch, even just for a little bit, to give my heart a rest.  That or stop that damn biological clock from ticking so damn loudly in my ear!
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