Mondays

I am very overwhelmed today.  Lilly cried a lot.  She was not comforted by nursing or by being held.  I started thinking it was me.  I raised my voice when I was speaking to her.  Then I was so mad at myself for doing that.  For goodness sake she is only a baby!  The guilt!!  

I realized that I have been feeling more overwhelmed than usual.  I have gained weight.  I am just not so happy.  I am freaking exhausted.  I think that starting school, the baptism and Lilly teething all kind of combined to make it a very stressful time for me.

The question is, now what do I do?  Do I call my midwives to see if they can test my thyroid levels?  A common complaint about this time postpartum is hypothroidism.  I know "they" say to not feel alone and that you did not cause it.  But gosh darn it, it sure feels lonely over here, and like I get the award for Bad New Mom of the Year.

update:  I actually felt better only a few days later.  I cried on the shoulder of one of my great friends and veteran mom, Nicole.  She assured my that I was completely normal.  I got some sleep, somehow.  I prioritized a bit.  I let go of my need for that "A".  I realized that I probably gained weight for a few reasons, one of which is that I am actually eating.  I did not eat properly almost all summer!  I forgot to eat half the time.  No matter I was so thin!  Now I just have to work on losing it again...healthily.  Oh, and I had my thyroid checked and it was normal.  

feelings about a c-section...

I thought that this was a very interesting article.  I found it on my quest to find out more about other womens' feelings about their cesarean sections.  Turns out I am not alone... in the disappointment, fear and other conflicting feelings about my birth experience.

http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm

She napped!

We got through it, as I knew we would.  It did not happen as quickly as it usually does.  The making up and apologizing, that is.  Unfortunately, I could not fall asleep last night.  So instead of trying to reduce the sleep deficit, I added to it.  

The good news is that I was able to get some of my schoolwork done today.  Lilly took a 2 hour nap!  It was a wonderful thing.  I made it through an entire phone conversation.  I almost forgot how to hang up without the baby being the cause.  Later in the day I was able to do an interview I needed so that I can do my first big project.  The woman was kind enough to allow me to bring Lilly along.  Besides doing raspberries in the middle of the library, she was great.  (lilly, not the woman I interviewed.)  

So I have one big project due this Thursday and one the following Tuesday.  Now that I have all the raw data, I am going to get started ASAP.

We are going to attempt to go out to dinner tonight, so off I go.  

overwhelmed and NOT loving it

Tonight was one of those nights that I was warned about from all my friends who were moms before me.  It was not pretty.  

Okay, I will add a little more info.  Sleep deprived mommies and cranky daddies do not mesh.  It happens more than I like to admit to myself.  I know I am a full time nursing mom.  My daughter has only learned to take a bottle from my mom, so far.  She will not take it from my husband.  This makes things difficult.  She is very attached to me right now.  But that doesn't mean I have to be the only one to hold her, comfort her, whatever.  I feel like I am being punished for doing this amazing, wondrous thing.  

I know that this too will pass.  I got through the first few weeks after a c-section and breast feeding issues, right?  Okay, maybe things will look brighter in the morning.  Or after I get some sleep.  I just keep replaying conversations with my girlfriends in my mind.  Ones in which they told me that they thought their marriages would not survive the baby's 1st birthday.  Because they all did.  Some are even on baby #2!

Okay, I am going to try to force my gritty eyes to close and stay that way.  At least until the next feeding an hour from now!

My tooth

So the day after my wedding my crown fell out.  That is what I get for eating cold swedish fish.  Since I was pregnant at the time, my dentist glued it back in, but did not want to do any work on it.  Fast forward a few months and I decided to have my uncle, a dentist, do this crown.  Mainly because he did it the first time.  But also, my insurance is changing to my husband's, and I will not be able to use my beloved dentist.  Not that I don't love my uncle, but he lives in DE, a solid 2 hours away.  I procrastinated all summer, mostly because the thought of a 2 hour trip with my newborn was a bit overwhelming.  

Monday afternoon, I was really close to the breaking point.  Lilly was crying all day, unless she was being held, and sometimes even then.  She is teething hard and we had been on the go all weekend.  It was too hard to make a meal for myself, so I was snacking...cheez its, carrots and dip, etc.  And, you guessed it, my crown came out.  It was the figurative straw.  I promptly called my uncle's office and luckily his wife, Aunt Pam, answered the phone.  I broke down crying.  I did not even know I wanted to cry, but there I was crying over my broken crown.  Thank God it was Pam who answered!  

So today Lilly, my mom and I are making the trip to Delaware.  I hope that it goes smoothly.  I am glad my mom can make it.  She will watch Lil while I am in the dentist chair.  Lilly woke up much earlier than normal and I am a little tired.  I may need regular, not decaf today! 

So here I am...

I have decided, once and for all, to create a blog.  I have hemmed and hawed so many times.  I don't think I have anything crazy important or life-changing to say, but maybe you will want to read it anyway.  Whatever.  I am doing it for me and anyone else who is willing to come along on the ride.